The Most Special of all Olympics

Every April, my son Garrison, participates in the greater Fort Worth spring track meet for Special Olympics. He participates in a running event, (this year it was the 100 meter dash and the relay race) and some type of tossing event (this year it was the javelin toss). It's something we, as a family, look forward to every single year and when it is over, we are all so sad.  It all begins with a fabulous opening ceremonies on Friday night where they do the torch run, have cheerleaders perform, honor athletes, have guest speakers and our families most favorite part, the dance they have on the football field! It is so awesome to see hundreds of athletes, all with different types of special needs, out on that field getting down to the music that the DJ plays! It is the one and only time you will see Garrison dance! He LOVES this part. We have so many awesome memories of this event and especially of Buddy out there dancing with me and the kids! This weekend marked the second time we attended since Buddy's death. To be honest, there were tears shed before we get there because we want Buddy with us so desperately. We miss having him dance with us, yell with us, and when Garrison wins gold, cry with us.


Some of the very last pictures we have of Buddy, were taken exactly 2 months before he was killed, at this event. Now, last year, I felt Buddy's presence so strongly. I knew without a doubt he was there. The kids and I have all had countless experiences where we felt Buddy near. We have been left with zero doubt that he walks with us, watches over us, cries with us, laughs with us (and I am sure AT us), dances with us and even sleeps next to us.  But I am here to say, the experience I had this weekend blew all of that out of the water.  I have had some VERY spiritual experiences with Buddy since his passing. Some I have shared, and some I have not, for those are just for him and I to share. Buddy was not a fan of sharing spiritual experiences with others. In fact, I'll never forget the conversation we had in regards to that one time. He believed that sharing an experience with others may diminish the experience itself. And he's right. It can. However, I have shared so much with my readers, more than I should perhaps, but I feel strongly that I need to share this one in particular.  Maybe it's because this blog is my journal and I want my kids to have it and always remember it. Maybe it's because ya'll have become family to me. Maybe it's because my story may help someone. I don't know why but I do know I am supposed to share it. So I hope each of you will read it with as much love and respect as I am writing it with. 

(Buddy and Garrison walking and talking at his track meet in 2012. Exactly 2 months to the day before he was killed.)

For the first time ever, Garrison participated in the relay race on Friday afternoon. In this race, there are 4 runners who each run a portion of the track while carrying a medal baton. When they reach the next runner, they pass the baton and then that athlete can begin their portion of the run. Garrison was the last runner for his team. The girls and I were nervous wrecks. My heart was pounding so hard. Garrison does not do well at all if he doesn't win! It's a nightmare trying to convince him that silver and bronze are still awesome. There is no convincing him! Even though I know he cant, nor will he, win every event, I always pray so hard that he will, just so we don't have to face the aftermath of him "losing". 

Garrisons teammate, and best friend, Chris was the athlete who would be passing Garrison the baton. I found that alone so heartwarming and precious. I see Chris hand Garrison the baton and the girls and I start screaming to Garrison to run!! We were jumping up and down and yelling like lunatics! He was winning by a mile! As he drew closer to passing in front of us, I knew Buddy was there. He was running next to him. I didn't see him with my actual eyes, but with my spiritual eyes. He was running with his boy. He was going to cross that finish line with him. And he did. I couldn't stop crying. It was too incredible. It was too spiritual. It was something I have never in my life experienced before.

As Garrison was walking with his helper to the medal stand, he saw me and grabbed me and hugged me so tightly. He said "I did it mom!" Tears were flowing like crazy! I wanted to ask him if he saw his dad running next to him but I didn't. That was answered later in the car when we were leaving. He was looking out the car window and I heard him say "Did you see that dad? I did it!" He knew his dad was running with him. 

Seeing these 4 special boys up on that medal stand, getting their gold medals was just so incredible. They smiled so big and even kissed them! They had just conquered something so huge! Something they had been practicing for several weeks! I cannot express how proud I am of not just Garrison but the other boys as well. It is such an honor to be there and watch each athlete participate! The smiles on their faces, the way the come up to anyone and everyone and show off their medals, the way they hug you, the way they burst with pride at their accomplishments...it is truly life changing!

 (The Alliance All-Stars gold medal relay team!)

I am grateful for the opportunity to be a part of such an amazing thing as Special Olympics. I am grateful for the experiences that my family has every single year!

Here is what I know....

Buddy is near. I know this. Whenever I say "I wish Buddy was here to see this" people always say "he sees everything" and I agree. He does. BUT...When I am saying that, I am saying that I want him physically here to share things with us. It is very different. I long to have him PHYSICALLY here to touch, hold, laugh with, cry with, kiss, dance with, watch softball games with, watch Garrisons events with...I want him here. I know that happened for a very brief moment on Friday. He was HERE! His smile matched the smile on Garrison's face as they crossed that finish line together. He was there to share that moment with his first born, his only son, the young man who impacted his earthly life so much every single day. 

I know Buddy misses us so desperatly. I know he understands differently than we do. He sees the whole picture but that doesn't stop him from missing us. I know we have a loving God who knows what we need and when we need it. I needed to know I wasn't alone. I need to know I wasn't forgotten and neither are my children. I know I was blessed with a rare find! I was blessed with a man who was unlike any other. I do not know how I got so lucky but I am so glad I did. My kids and I talk often about how blessed we were to have such an amazing man as my husband and their dad. I know everyone thinks they have the best. And for them, I am sure they do, but we got the cream of the crop!

So Buddy, thank you. Thank you for continuing to be the most supportive father and husband imaginable even from heaven. We miss you so much! We love you with all that we are. We will continue to work hard here while you work hard there! Please stay close.We got this!

The Miracle of Forgiveness

I hear people say "If that happened to me, I would ______" (you fill in the blank).  I'm guilty of saying the same thing many times throughout my life. Each of us always think we know exactly what we would do if we were in someone else's shoes.  The only problem with saying that is, you never know what you will do until you are smack dab in the middle of it. For example, if someone had told me on June 20, 2012, that Buddy would die the next day, and not only would he die, but he would be killed. And not only would he be killed, he would be run over by a truck and just left there on the side of the road like some animal.  If someone would have told me all of that 24 hours before his death, I would have said this "I will hunt the driver down myself and kill him with my bare hands.  He wont deserve jail. He doesn't deserve to live when my husbands dead."  That is what I would have said on Wednesday, June 20, 2012.  But on the morning of Thursday, June 21, 2012, that's not what I said or felt. 

When I read the words on Facebook saying that a runner had been hit, and if you were missing a member of your family, to call 9-1-1 immediately.  When I read that, in that moment, I knew.  I don't know how I knew, but I knew it was my husband.  I ran to the front door and looked out the peephole and saw his work car still out front, I couldn't believe it.  I knew our world was shattered forever.  I kept saying to myself, "He's just unconscious.  That's why he cant tell them who he is. That has to be it."  But to be honest, I knew! I knew the love of my life was dead. Now what I will say next, you may believe and you may not. But I have never lied to my readers and I never will.  I've always been very open and honest and that will never change.  What happened that Summer morning should never have happened.  The driver, Terry Knight, made a huge mistake.  What he did was wrong.  His actions not only changed our families lives, but he left us with so many unanswered questions and very broken hearts. The part you may not believe...I've never been mad at Terry Knight. 

Well wait. I take that back.  A week after Buddy died, I was in Flagstaff, getting ready to bury my husband.  My cell phone rang. It was the Sheriffs office.  They told me Terry had killed himself.  I started sobbing. I remember telling the Sheriff, "I just wish I could have talked to him. I wish I could have told him we were going to be okay."  I was mad at Terry in that moment.  With his death, Terry not only took his life, but he also took the how and the why's with him. I knew in that moment, I would never have the answers that would help to provide closure for me personally.  I wanted to know what he was doing that caused him to hit my husband.  I want to know why he ran.  Why didn't he stop and try to help him?  Those are questions I so desperately want answered, that now never will be.  That did make me mad. 

Many people have said to me "I could never do that.  I could never hit someone and just leave them there."  I agree with you. I don't think I could either. But, it goes back to you never know what you will do until you're in that position.  When I say that, please understand, I'm in no way excusing Mr.  Knights actions.  What he did was wrong, so incredibly wrong.  His actions destroyed a lot of lives that day, but be very careful when you say "I would never."

Without going through every detail into what happened that morning, I will share with you how the forgiveness happened.  It was a very personal and spiritual experience and as you read this, I hope you will do so with reverence and understanding.  Due to the spirituality of it, until now, I have not shared it with many but I do feel now is the right time to share it with each of you. Three officials came to deliver the news to me.  A sheriff, the coroner, and the Sheriff's office clergyman.  They asked me a few questions about Buddy's body that would help them to know without a doubt that it was him.  When I confirmed it by telling them he had scars running up the side of each foot and all the way up to his mid claves, they gave me the official news that Buddy had been hit and killed by a hit and run driver.  My next door neighbor and dear friend Justin had already told me as he had gone to the scene of the accident and already spoke to them. However, looking at these 3 men, it all became so real.  I believe my first question was "Did he suffer?"  I was assured it was instant and he never even saw it coming.  As I stood there, listeneing to these men tell me how they believed everything happened, something miraculous happened. I asked them "What are the chances of us finding the person who did this?"  They replied "with the evidence we already have? About 90% chance." And then it happened....

As I stood on my front porch, a feeling overcame me. It started in my toes and traveled through my body , finally leaving through the top of my head. I physically felt it travel throughout my entire body.  It was incredible. For a brief moment it scared me as I didn't know what was happening, but then a peaceful feeling overcame me, a feeling of peace I've never felt before.  This thing traveling through my body? It was all the hate and anger for the driver.  It was being taken from me. It was God and I also know it was Buddy as well. They were taking that from me.  Why? Because they knew it would eventually destroy me.  Right there, on my door step, I forgave Terry Knight.  It was the most beautiful and spiritual experience of my life.  I did not know this then, but it has since been made clear to me.  My loving Heavenly Father knows the grieving process.  He knows it entails of being angry.  That is part of getting through the hurt and ultimately healing your very broken heart.  As I previously stated, He knew that my anger, if directed towards Terry, would destroy me, so He took that from me and instead, allowed me to direct my anger towards Him. I've spoken of this anger before and even lost two "friends" over that particular blog post.  But, I promise, each of you, it was all part of Gods plan.  He knew my anger towards Him would not last forever. He knew I would see the light and recognize my blessings and all He does for me every day. He knew that one day, I would remember and feel the power of His love.  He knew He could handle anything I may say to Him.  He knew I would get through  that stage. He knew, because He would help me.  He would send angels to hold me while I lay there and curse Him.  He knew how I was strong enough to get through that because He, Himself, made me strong enough.  He believed in me. He always has and He always will. 

Here is what I know......

My forgiveness of Terry Knight did not come from me. I am not some remarkable person who forgave this man out of the goodness of my heart. God took that from me.  Becasue of the love that my Heavenly Father and Buddy have for me, they together, took it form me.  I felt both of them so strong that morning and in that very moment.  It was very clear to me that Buddy had too forgiven Terry. He gave me immediate confirmation that he loved me.  That he missed the kids and I so much but that he was ok.  That was the first of many times I would feel that, including right this moment as I'm writing this.. I know Terry Knight has a lot to answer for.  I know many of you who knew and loved Buddy, do not forgive him for taking Buddy's life and that's ok.  That is a very individual thing.  I have been told by many that he is a coward for killing himself.  Again, you're entitled to feel that.  For me, I know the Lord will deal with Mr. Knight in His way.  Justice will be served by God himself.  The one and only true judge.

Terry left behind a wonderful, loving, caring and kind mother who struggles every day.  He left a wonderful step dad and step siblings all who loved him very much.  They are just as innocent as the kids and I.  So when you pray for us, pray for them.  Forgiveness is a beautiful and yet difficult thing. I'm so blessed to have had such an incredible experience.  I hate that this is the life my children and I now have but I fully recognize the miracles that have occurred.  This story I just shared with you being the biggest miracle of all. Because I have a loving husband who is now in heaven and a loving God..I got this!!!

A Moment of Silence

I love my blog. I love that so many readers have sent me emails and comments and messages at how my blog has helped them.  How reading about my journey through these last 18 months has somehow impacted them and their lives.  I am honored that you, my readers, come and check in and take a few short minutes to sit and cry with me, laugh with me, and hurt with me.  I am often asked if I keep a journal.  I don't  This blog is my journal.  So, to my readers,  who have been so encouraging and supportive of me, I apologize for my hiatus from blogging. I can only tell you that the last few months have had several ups and downs and to be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  But, here I am, ready to give it a shot.

I have a huge fear of letting others see me weak.  It's a very real fear to me.  I constantly hear 'You don't have to always be strong"  But the truth, as I see it, is that I do.  When you are constantly told how strong you are, how you inspire others, how your strength is the reason your children are doing so well, that tells me, I cannot show my weaknesses.  I do not for one minute believe that any of you, or my children, think that I am strong and smiling 100% of the time.  My kids have seen me cry or yell one too many times to be fooled but still. I hesitate to write because I fear y'all may think I am a phony after all.

Since Buddy was killed, I have had many failures, many successes, many tears and many smiles.  I have put myself through hours of guilt for each of those things.  I have loved again, and lost again. I have had my heart broken and been rejected. I have questioned every single thing about my faith, my church, my God, and myself.  I have gained new friends and lost friends but mostly, I have lost myself.  When I look in the mirror, I often do it with tears in my eyes. I talk to myself. Sometimes its a pep talk and other times it is just staring and crying.  I look as deep in my eyes as I possibly can searching for answers.  My eyes are sad and are missing the light they once had, and that saddens me.  But, I also see a fighter in there.  I see potential. I see greatness.  I see a strong woman, a weak woman, a believer, a sinner, a saint, a lover, a fighter, a perfectionist, a follower, a leader, and a woman who so desperately wants to do the right thing and to just be happy. A woman who will stop at nothing to make sure her children are happy.  And so my journey continues. A journey I am determined to excel at.

I have goals that I cannot wait to achieve. I want to go back to school. I want to become fluent in ASL (American Sign Language). I want to write a book, and speak to woman about how they too can survive losing their spouse.  I want to help others in any way I possibly can.  I want to make my children proud, Buddy proud, God proud and myself proud.  I want to move forward not as the woman who tragically lost her husband, but as the woman who survived the unthinkable.  I believe that maybe it is not my strengths that inspire people, but my weaknesses.  My ability to share with you that I am not perfect. Share with you that I have been found on my bathroom floor, just in a towel, too weak to get up. I have smiled more fake smiles than real ones.  I have shared with you some of my mistakes (nobody want's to know all of them).  I have shared with you my fears and my insecurities.  All of these things my appear to be weaknesses, but friends, it is those weaknesses that you connect with most because those weaknesses are you,  and they are me. They are what make us human.  Facing those weaknesses and refusing to succumb to them, that is what makes us strong.  You cannot have one without the other.

This is what I know....

Grief is a VERY individual thing.  There is no right or wrong way to go through it.  You can't go around it, over it, or under it.  Straight through it is the only way.  You will be criticized along the way.  You will be laughed at, made fun of, used, judged and rejected. Sad but true.  BUT, you will also be encouraged, supported, loved, treasured, comforted, and very very blessed.  You will go through every single emotion known to man.  You will direct those emotions, especially love and anger, at the right people but also at the wrong people.  You will look for answers everywhere you can.  In good places and in bad.  You will make mistakes of all sizes but you will also have great victories!  Victories that may not have been possible without those mistakes.  You will question everything but you will find answers when you are ready for them.  Those answers will come from within.  At the school where I teach, we have a motto.."Never, never, never, give up"  That is who I am friends.  I am a woman who never gives up. I never have and I never will.  Im sorry for my moment of silence but sometimes, it takes a moment to figure things out.  Which I will; when I'm ready.  I got this.

W.I.D.O.W

I wonder how I got here. How did I get to this point in my life?  I'm a 35 year old widow with 4 beautiful babies. I stop here to look over that word widow, trying to digest it. It's a shock to my system every time I see it or say it. Like myself, I am sure that most of you have always thought of a widow as a much older woman in her 80's or 90's, rather than someone my age. As I read in a book a short time ago, being a widow makes you a part of a very small and elite club. Being a young widow?  Well that club gets much smaller. So over the past 14 months, I've come to terms with this description of myself. So now, I wonder, what do I do with it?  Well, I've decided that I'm going to use the word "widow" to empower not only myself, but hopefully each of my readers.

W- Willpower! We have, even though at times it may not feel like we do, willpower. We have a very strong desire to succeed and survive. There are days where we feel defeated and struggle to find that willpower, but it's there!  It's been very eye opening to me how little accomplishments have come to bring me so much joy!  That is willpower at its finest. When I have a difficult day, its as simple as "I cooked all three meals today!  We didn't eat out once!"  I had the willpower and drive to cook for my family. On the roughest days, that's a very big deal. 14 months later and family dinners still bring a little sadness to our lives, but I feel they are important so we try very hard to do them as often as we can. Pushing through things that hurt, that's willpower!!!

I- Imperfect! Widows are perfectly imperfect. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to make right decisions and wrong decisions. We are forced to change just about every single thing in our lives. We have no clue what we are doing. I can tell you honestly that I have said and done things I never thought I would. Both good and bad. I've had many heartfelt and encouraging and beautiful things said and done for me since Buddy died but I've also had many cruel and judgmental things come my way as well. I know I'm not only speaking for myself when I say " I'm doing the very best I can!"  We, just as you, are imperfect.

D- Determined! Widows are very determined! We are determined to show others that we are strong!  We are determined to hold it together. We are determined to make others proud of us. We are determined to help not just our children heal, but anyone and everyone who has been affected by our husbands death, to heal. We are determined to heal ourselves but only after we know everyone else to be ok. We are determined to one day, not have to "fake it until you make it!"  We are determined to smile and truly feel happy again. We are determined to succeed!

O- OK! Widows are, or in some cases, will be, OK!  It's going to take time. We ask for a lot of patience and understanding. Remember, every widow is different. We have all suffered a loss but just as our losses are different, so is the mourning process we are forced to go through. In the situation where we have lost our spouses in the exact same way, we still hurt and eventually heal in very different time frames. So please! Be patient and understanding!

W- Warrior!  Widows are warriors! I currently have a favorite song called "Warrior" by Demi Lavato. If you haven't heard it, please listen to it. It's beautiful. Widows fight many many battles that many don't know about. Between our sorrow, our jobs, our children (not to mention, helping them through their sorrow), yes! Widows are indeed warriors!

Here is what I know...

As I write this, I'm sure that every widow who may stumble across my blog may not agree with this acronym. Maybe they think I'm crazy. I want to make this clear...every single widow has each of these traits somewhere inside of themselves. As for myself, I have willpower, I'm imperfect, I'm very determined, I AM going to be OK, and I am a warrior!  I am fighting for myself and for my children. They need me and I need them. Fighting for your kids is a tall order and most of the time feels overwhelming but I also know I am capable. I know God has deemed me strong enough to do just that. God has put many different people and things in my life since Buddy's death. Some have only been for a short season, and others for a long long time. I'm grateful for each of those. Currently, one of my biggest blessings is my new job.

Two weeks ago, I started a job as a special education teachers aide at Kimbo and Natalie's elementary school. This job has been an unbelievable blessing to me for many reasons. Not only is it helping us financially, it allows me to be on the same schedule as my children,  but more importantly, it is helping me so much emotionally. It keeps me occupied, it helps me feel needed, it helps me to feel as though I'm making a difference. Before my job, I was indeed very busy but it was, what I felt, without a purpose. This incredible opportunity has saved me in many ways.

I always felt that my children and I could have a bright and happy future. After looking deep into myself, and defining what being a widow means to me, I KNOW we have a very bright future indeed!!

Why I am Mad...

 

First things first...go and get a box of tissues. I am not going to guarantee that you will need them, but if you read this post with as much passion and compassion that I have while writing it; you will need them!

Now I owe all of you an apology...I am so sorry about my hiatus.  I have gone through many, many things since I ran my half marathon. I will share some of those with you tonight..oh wait..clock check..3:00 am...I will share some of those things with you this very early morning, and as I have done in the past, some I will hold close to me. This blog means so much to me. I love how it has helped others and my goal, is for this to reach as many people as possible.  Because maybe, just maybe, the hell that I and my children have lived through can help to touch or even change, a life.

I have said this before and I will say it  many many more times but I really do try and stay positive for each of you. Tonight (this morning) however, I am taking my mask off, setting it to the side, and letting each of you see the rawness that is me..Heather Hopkins.  This is no easy task. I risk much in doing this. Judgement is first and foremost. I've received A LOT  of that over the past year. Losing your respect is another. And perhaps, by the time you read the last line, you may just realize I am not as strong perhaps as you may have perceived me to be when you read the first line.  So, without further ado, yet much hesitation, I bring you "Heather Uncensored!"

I am mad.  I am so angry and hurt and mad, I feel like I want to punch something, or even someone.  I feel like I may lose my mind.  I hear people tell me that God has a plan for me and my children. I hear them say "Just give it to God." I hear them say, "You are so strong!" I hear them say "Buddy and God both want you to be happy."  My response to each of these is "I know. It's just hard!" At least that is what comes out of my mouth. What my mind says? "You don't have a clue! If God wanted me happy, my husband would still be here! God took something! My husband! So no! I'm not giving him anything! And no! I'm not strong! I am merely putting on an act to fool each of you, and my children, into thinking I can handle this life that was thrown at me!" Sometimes, while in the shower, I crumble. I fall to the floor and just cry, scream, and yell.  I yell at God and I plead with Buddy to please come back.  I ask "Why?" over and over and over again. I swear at God. I've said very un-Christian-like things to Him.  I'm so numb that I don't care anymore.  I hurt so bad that I just give up sometimes, even for 2 minutes.  Then, I stand up, turn the water off and go about my day. 

 

As I see people, or talk on the phone, I force my smile.  I laugh sometimes at how people comment on how happy my smile is.  I want to cry because a part of me wants people to remember that behind that smile is a very sad and broken woman.  People tend to think that once a widow, or widower get through the first year, they are miraculously healed.  Even more so if you happen to meet someone during that first year. It's like everyone holds their breath until one of those two things happen. I could almost hear the collective sighs of relief when I posted I had a boyfriend.  Let me be the first to tell ya'll...I wish it were that simple.  Instead, it almost makes the pain worse. Because now, you are dealing with guilt and fear. I don't want to hear that Buddy would want me to "move on" because I could never "move on" from the love of my life. I will find someone to spend the rest of my life here on this earth with but I will never "move on."  Because of the overwhelming guilt that encompasses me, I no longer have a boyfriend. I stepped back to figure myself out as I am this entirely new person who I don't even know. I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me. Her eyes look so sad. They look tired and worn out.  Her shoulders sag as they carry the weight of the world on them.  Her mouth seems to turn down more than it used to, a product of the hours and hours and hours she has spent crying.  She looks so much older and so broken.  I see that girl and then realize that is indeed me. And I hurt...

I AM MAD! I am mad this is my life. I am mad that Buddy was ripped from our lives. I am mad that I had to come into my home and tell my beautiful children that their daddy was dead. That someone ran him over and left him on the sided of the road. I am mad as hell that as I laid in my warm bed sound asleep, the absolute love of my life was laying on the side of the road; for hours. I am mad that when I got the news, I didn't run to the scene and lay next to him so his body wasn't alone.  I am mad that he didn't decide to sleep in instead of running on June 21.  I am mad that I have 4 amazing children who cry every day because they hurt so much.

I am mad that people compare their losses to ours. I am mad that I am going to get remarried one day. I don't want to find someone else. I don't want to have to go through all of those awkward "getting to know you" stages.  I worked my ass of for 16 years and had such an amazing marriage. I am mad that was ripped away from me.  I am mad that people are awkward around me and "Don't know what to say" so they just ignore me. I am mad that many have just forgotten about us.  I am mad that people don't speak to me anymore because they don't agree with some of my decisions. I am mad that this is my life.  Don't tell me I agreed to this. Please don't tell me that. Why would I agree to have something so horrific happen to not just me, but to so many that I love so much.  I am mad that people think this will not hurt me to the core the rest of my life.  I am mad that people have taken advantage of me and my situation in the past year.  I am so mad. I am mad that I don't get to be in his arms again on this earth. I am mad that I don't get to hear his beautiful voice singing in church.  I am mad that he is not here to rock me in the recliner that my dad gave us.  I am mad that he is not here to hold me in bed and love me.

I am mad that my 14 year old son came back from our month long "vacation" only to be found sobbing in my room because he was just sure daddy was here waiting for us. I am mad that I cant get into his head to help him understand.  I am mad that I am a single mom. I am mad that people tell me "let me know if you need anything" yet when I do....crickets.  Turns out, for many people, that means only if I needed them the first week.

I am mad that Buddy is dead.  I am so mad. But mostly, readers, I am sad. I am so sad that he is not here to text me "come to bed and let's get it on!" (I swear he used to text me from the other room all of the time. :) )
I miss him every single moment of every single day. Every single aspect of my life changed on June 21, 2012.  Not just a few things...EVERYTHING.

Here is what I know....

That saying "You really find out who your friends are" is 100% true.  If you talk to other widows (and widowers) you hear them say that the second year is worse than the first..also very true.  The first year, you are in a fog.  You are constantly focused on trying to keep going and "not giving up" and trying to figure out "what the hell just happened."  By the time the first year mark comes around, it has finally sunk in and you realize "this is really my life now." And that hurts far worse than you can imagine.  Amongst it all, I do know I have been blessed. There is no denying that. I am blessed with family and friends who love me. Most have been very very good about not judging me but instead, applauding my good days, holding me or calling me through my bad, loving me through my mistakes, and being there to pick me up each time I have fallen.  I've never done this before. There is an awful lot of material to read and that has helped. But, everyone is different and we each mourn different. Nobody else was married to Buddy. Nobody else shared our bond and connection.  Nobody knew us, or knows us the way we knew and loved each other.  Therefore, nobody knows how I feel.  I know that prayers help.  I will admit I don't pray as much as I should, and when I do, it is for my kids or those that I love who I know are hurting so much.  So when I ask you to pray for me, please do.  I have felt the power of prayer carry myself and my children through some very dark hours.  I know that Buddy is near when we need him.  As I have laid in bed and held our crying children, as they cried out for their dad to come back, I have felt his arms embrace us. I have felt him hold me as I have begged for help going to sleep. He has accompanied me on runs more than once.   He has sat next to me as I have typed blogs.

Please don't judge me or leave this post disappointed in me. Please don't look at me as weak. Please just have patience and understanding.  And PLEASE pray for me.

I know that I will be ok.  But in the meantime, I just need to be mad..and very very sad.  I miss him and that's ok.  I got this...I guess.

The Run of a Lifetime

I did it!!!! After 3 months of "training" (I really didn't train the way I should have), I ran the Dallas Rock and Roll half marathon! Buddy ran this exact same race 2 years ago and it meant everything to me to be able to run it in his memory.  It was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I was so nervous, and down right scared, I made myself physically ill.  I won't lie and say there weren't a few times I questioned my desicion but I will say that only 1 time did I consider not doing it.  That one moment came just before I left my hotel room to walk down to the start line....Let's start from the beginning....

In December, some of you may remember that I went to Las Vegas to celebrate what would have been Buddy and my 15 year wedding anniversary.  3 of my closest friends joined me on that very emotional, and yet healing, week long trip.  While there, I was talking to my dear friend Janice about running the Dallas Rock and Roll half marathon in Buddy's memory.  Without hesitation, she said, "Let's do it! I will run it with you!" Literally within minutes of our conversation, we were registered. I had only been running for about 2 months at that point.

Let me pause here to explain something. I have NEVER been a runner.  In high school, I ran during PE but only because I was forced to. Even then, I did any walking I could get away with.  I HATED running. Buddy always wanted me to run with him, and I finally gave in and went about 3 times. Then I gave up because I truly hated it.  So when people say "Oh I could never run. I hate it!", they clearly have NO idea how much I use to hate it.  A few months after Buddy died, I was prompted to just go running one day. So I did. I realized how much better I felt when I got home, so I just kept going.  Now I sincerely love it.

So, after only have been running for 2 months with zero prior running experience, I embarked on this crazy dream to run this for Buddy.  I was determined.  Well, I got home, looked up training apps and started working really hard.  I had many many hiccups along the way.  Mostly, it was just so emotional for me.  Time was also a huge factor.  So, come race day, I had only been running for 5 months and the longest run I had ever been on was 4 miles.  In your half marathon training, you should be running 7-8 miles fairly regularly. Oops! This caused me a lot of my fear. I knew I would finish, I would crawl if I had to, but I was scared that I would injure myself or the fear of just how hard it would be.  I have learned an awful lot about myself these past months and one thing I know, I am a very determined lady.  I don't give up. Its just not who I am.

I have also had the most amazing support system. I am so blessed. I fully recognize that many people don't have that. My local friends were constantly encouraging me and even went running with me a few times. One even bought me some running shoes for Christmas.  When I didn't want to go running, I would hear, "you know you will feel so much better if you do!" They were always right.  So I ran! Not as much as I should have but I ran.

My friend Janice stayed true to her word and flew out here to run with me. I LOVED having her here with me to run. It provided me with a strength that I cannot explain. She is a better and faster runner than myself but literally stayed with me every single step of the race.  I can never ever ever thank her enough for running this with me. What a blessed experience to share with her. I love you J!

Race Morning: We woke up to 30 mph winds. It was 30 degrees outside. If you know anything about me, I HATE to be cold! I was so scared to go running in the wind and cold. I can even handle the cold but running in wind, let alone high winds, is so incredibly difficult.  I cried in the bathroom that morning and actually thought for a brief moment, "I can't do this."  That thought was quickly washed away by a peace; a peace that consumed me and reminded me that not only could I run this race, I would run this race and Buddy would be running it with me.  He made sure I knew that he wouldn't leave my side.  And he didn't.  Every time I needed to feel him, I did. My nerves were a mess as we got to the start line.  It was truly freezing.  And then, it was our turn. Going across that start line was incredible. I thought "Here we go!"  My adrenaline was sky high. Janice paced us to run 5 minutes, then walk 5 minutes. We did that almost the whole race, except for the last mile. I wanted to run the entire last mile. 

I had made signs to wear that very briefly told my story. I wanted everyone to know why I was doing this. Not for praise or attention, but to let people know how amazing my husband was. I wanted everyone to know his story.  I was his legs that day and I wanted the world to know it.  From the very beginning of the race, runners would run past me and pat me on the shoulder, give me a thumbs up, tell me "you're amazing" or "You're such an inspiration". Some hugged me with tears literally streaming down their faces. Others said "I will run for Buddy too!" I nearly had to stop a few times because I was crying so hard.  The support along the race was incredible. Janice would run with her arm around my shoulders or holding my hand while I sobbed. At some point, Janice and I noticed that no wind had been blowing the entire run. We had about 4 big gusts that came through VERY quickly and then nothing. It was incredible. The trees around us were not even blowing. I don't know if the other runners noticed but we most certainly did. Complete stillness. The girls all said that the wind was blowing so hard the entire time they were waiting for me! An absolute tender mercy!

At mile 7, I got the boost I needed more than I realized. As I rounded a corner, there in front of me was Rachel and Kimbo with Laurie and Angela. Seeing those 4 faces meant everything to me. I was ecstatic. I hugged my girls right away and Rachel said "You're doing it mom! You're really doing it!" Kimbo told me over and over "I'm so proud of you!" They were all 4 holding signs and screaming.  As I got a ways from them I turned around and screamed so they could hear "I love you!!!" They screamed it right back. One lady came up next to me with tears just falling down her cheeks and told me "Thank you for letting me witness that moment."

Miles 8, 9, and 10 were brutal. Very very hard. Those were the times when I wondered if my legs were going to make it.  When I hit mile 11, all I could think about was my daughters waiting for me at that finish line.  As we got to mile 12, it felt like the longest mile yet. That finish line seemed like it would never come. And then there it was! The minute I saw it in my sights, I lost it. I pushed with all my might and crossed it! Arms raised high. I just kept saying "I did it! I did it!" I saw my girls and Angela and Laurie to my left and in all my emotional craziness, just smiled at them. I didn't know where to go or what to do.  I walked forward and to my right was my dear friend Brandi.   I came to my senses (I was seriously out of it) and walked over and immediately embraced her. Thank you Brandi for being there to support me! I love you!

I walked over and found my girls and Angela and Laurie. I hugged my girls first and we all 3 cried and cried. They told me over and over how incredibly proud of me they were.  They kept telling me "You did it mom!" and "We love you so much!" Standing there holding them and crying was an amazing moment. Knowing that Buddy also had his arms around us at the same time was just incredible. Such a sweet and precious moment that I know we will all treasure.

I then hugged my two angels Laurie and Angela. To try and put into words what these women mean to me just isn't possible.  They have been here with me every step of the way. Every single day they have seen me hurt, cry, laugh, and even fall. But have stood by me through it all. Thank you will never even come close to enough to what I want to say to these two amazing women. Thank you ladies for loving me! I love you so much!

I made 2 phone calls after I crossed. One was to my mom. I got her voice mail. I cried and cried to her and told her I did it and that I loved her. She has been such a blessing to me throughout my life and so much more than a mother. She is truly one of my best friends. I love you mama!

So, here it is. A week later, and I am still flying high from it all. I cannot say it enough..it was truly nothing short of AMAZING!! I am so glad I did it and would give anything to do it all over again. My friend Angelas husband Ben said it best..when Buddy was killed, he was training for his first marathon. Ben said that I was completing that marathon for him. He had run the first 13.1 and I was running the second 13.1. Thank you Ben!

This is what I know...

When I put my mind to something, and have A LOT of faith, I can do anything. I know that any crazy thing I try to accomplish, I will have amazing people behind me to help me live out my dreams. I know Buddy is with me when I need him. He cannot be here every step but he is most certainly here when it counts most. I know Buddy is proud of me. He has told me. He knows this was for him and for me. He knows I love him and will love him until I die. I know I did not do this race alone. I was surrounded by angels both living and those in Heaven.  I know I am a fighter. I also know I will NEVER run a full marathon. So don't even ask!  I know I can, and will achieve great things! One half marathon down, several more (literally and figuratively) to go!

Self Discovery

Sorry it has been a few weeks but life has been a little rougher than usual.  Since I don't typically hold much back in these posts I will tell you all that during my complete "hitting rock bottom" day, I lost it. As my friend Angela put it "I saw you giving up for the first time." I really did. That day, February 20,  I truly felt I just couldn't go on.  Now, I have most certainly had those feelings at other times in my life but this time was much different.  I felt the life being sucked out of me. I thought, "If I just lay here and cry, I will surely die of a broken heart." I took a shower, and my daughter Rachel sent my dear friend Angela a text message that she was worried about me as she could hear the sobs coming from me through the walls.  Angela came almost immediately. I was so out of it. It was almost worse than the actual day that Buddy was killed. Angela called in a favor and got me into a new counselor the very next morning. She stayed there with me, helped me dress, helped put makeup on me and helped me do my hair. We then went to a planned birthday party with all of our families and kids. I don't remember much of that night.  I do know that Angela's husband asked Angela if I was ok because I looked awful. I went to the counselor the next morning, even though I told Angela I wasn't going. She came to my house and forced me to go. She would have literally drug me if she needed to. 

This new counselor has been wonderful. He has made me realize many things but has also got me thinking so much. He has given me counsel and advice that has helped me in ways I cannot explain. So, on this path of  discovering the new Heather that I am just now learning about, I am growing and learning in ways I cannot explain.  I hope to never, ever, ever revisit a day like the one I did when I hit my rock bottom...but, If I do, how blessed I am to know that I have friends and family, near and far, that will be here to pick me up. Thank you Angela for saving me that day. I realize I would not have physically died that day but I am not sure just how I would have mentally survived without YOU! I love you so very much.

I am not entirely sure why I am sharing this with y'all. My only thought is that maybe, just maybe, one of you needed to hear that not only do you have dark days and moments, but I do too. I want people to believe in me and know that I am strong..not because I put a smile on my face or am constantly trying to be positive, but because I can and will hit rock bottom, maybe even more than once, but that I will also overcome those moments. I want people to realize that even in my darkest hours, I believe there is hope and there is light, no matter how faint it may be. 

This coming Sunday, on March 24, I will run my first half marathon.  Buddy ran this same one 2 years ago.  His first and only.  It is the shirt he was wearing when he was killed.  I committed to this back in December.  The emotional and physical toll the training has taken on my body and mind is just overwhelming.  I have questioned my decision countless times.  I have only been running since September. I have never run before that. .  A half marathon, 13.1 miles, is a very ambitious goal for a beginner but this is just not any half. It is Buddy's half marathon.  So, despite my own questions in regards to my ability to finish, I am doing it.  I can tell you this..I am terrified. I am so scared that I feel physically ill. I am scared I wont finish. I am scared of letting myself and others down.  I try to just keep my children and friends faces in my mind..I envision seeing their faces as I run towards the finish line. I long for many of my loved ones to be there waiting for me, and I am so sad that they can't, but I am grateful for those who can.

Crossing that finish line will be the most amazing feeling.  I cannot wait to experience it. So, I am asking you, my readers, to please lift my name up in prayers this week. I know the power of prayer is great and powerful. I know many of you don't know me so it may seem strange, but please, ask God to just allow me to finish this race. Not just my half marathon, but my own personal race of healing.  Surviving the death of my husband as a whole. 

Here is what I know....

When you are at your "breaking point" or "rock bottom", there are still people who love you and need you.  There is still hope in a beautiful future.  Love is a powerful emotion.  I've learned it comes in many many forms.  I know I am loved and I know I am good at loving others.  I know that this weekend will prove to be one of my biggest trials, but I also know I can and will do it.  I know I am strong, and slightly (ok...maybe a little more than slightly) stubborn.  I know that I want to show my children, just as their daddy did, if you set your mind to accomplish something, you will! I know without a doubt that I am blessed. I have friends and family in my life who love and support me in ways I cannot even tell you. Sometimes it is a 3 hour phone call late at night. Sometimes it is flying all the way from Utah to just be here. Sometimes it is driving from Arizona to again, just be here.  Sometimes it is seeing me at my weakest and most vulnerable moments. Sometimes it is sitting on my bed with me and watching me just cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes it is helping my get dressed because I am physically too weak to do it myself.  Sometimes it is a note in the mail to just say "You and your children have not been forgotten." Sometimes it is a text message just to say "I love you!".  Sometimes it is a song someone sends me because they know what music really means to me.  Sometimes it is just standing at the finish line of a race with smiles and some tears on your face.  Those are the moments I will never forget. The people who love me the most and I, in return love them the most. What I know is that I am blessed.  So, as I run this weekend, I will run for Buddy, I will run for my kids, I will run for anyone and everyone who has ever supported me, especially these past 9 months, but mostly, I will run for me...I got this!

Rock Bottom

The past few weeks have been nothing short of awful.  It has just been rough. February 21, was the 8 month mark. For some reason, it hit all 5 of us like a ton of bricks!! Especially Rachel and I.  Not sure why but it did. I will not speak for Rachel or elobrate on how she feels only because it is not my place. She, much like me, is a very private person. However, I write on here because 1. It helps to get some of these feelings out there and 2. I want my children to have my story in print one day.

I cannot explain how I feel. I am more sad than I have been in months. It's like it is just dawning on me. This is my new life. Trying to get thoughts from my head, to this page sometimes proves to be very difficult.  Many things I just choose not to share and others, I just don't quite know how to say so that others can understand. Last week, on the 21st, I hit what those closest to me, and my counselor, are calling "rock bottom." Not sure how one tells when that is or what may classify me as hitting it but I trust all aforementioned people so I will just take their word for it. Am I still at rock bottom? No...I am digging my way up and out. Trying to at least.  A very dear friend of mine told me today that she thinks it is so hard for me to comprehend the magnitude of our situation because I am in survival mode. Not only for myself, but for my children.  She said that from an outsider, it is truly one of the saddest things she has ever seen or heard her entire life. I suppose that is true. When I sit back and just try and put it all in perspective, it is crushing. So I just flat out don't.

Today was Garrison's basketball Special Olympics competition. These are always tricky. Garrison is not the best at taking anything but a gold. I know most kids are not great at losing, but this is on a different level. You have no idea how bad it is, until you have been there and witnessed it. It would rip your heart out. After he competed, we sat and sat and sat. We waited for the awards to be given. I felt sick. All the time, in my head, I was begging Buddy to please make it possible for Garrison to win the Gold. I just didn't think I could emotionally handle him losing it. When they said his name, and a gold medal, tears filled my eyes. I screamed and yelled and Garrison was beaming. He kissed his medal over and over. My mind quickly went back to April 21...2 months before Buddy died. Garrison had gotten 4th place in the softball throw and had lost it. He was crushed. He screamed and yelled and sobbed. I sobbed with him. It was so hard to watch. Buddy couldn't be there for it. He came later, in time for the running. Garrison took Gold. As Garrison was walking to the awards area, he looked over at Buddy and yelled "Dad! Say That's My Boy!". With tears streaming down Buddy's face, he yelled back "That's my boy!"

 

At my counseling session the other day, I was telling my counselor how sometimes it is so hard for others to understand that it is the little things that hurt the most..Natalie lost her tooth the other night in her sleep. I cried because Buddy wasn't here to witness the loss of her first tooth. I told him how badly that hurt. He said that many people think only of the "firsts" as holidays, birthdays and major events. However, the "firsts" are a list longer than you can imagine. They will happen for years to come.  When those things happen, I often hear "Buddy was there with you" or "He was watching from above". I know people just don't know what to say and are only trying to help and I sincerely appreciate that but the fact of the matter is, the kids and I just want to scream when we hear that. It's not even close to the same. We want him PHYSICALLY here. (I just read that part to Rachel and she said "Yes! Exactly! You took the words right out of my mouth mom!) Like I said, we appreciate others kindness and desire to bring us comfort but I assure you, those words don't. They only hurt more. They are stark reminders that we will never see him on this earth ever again.

A part of me went with Buddy on June 21, 2012. In the past 8 months, I have changed so much. I have had to. I didn't choose this. I literally woke up to it one morning. Some days, I feel like I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself any more. I look a lot more tired, and some days, I just look worn and sad.  I am not walking around moping all day every day. Far from it. But, this is a journey and part of this journey is figuring myself out. That can be a very scary thing. When you are married for 15 years, you become so much a part of your spouse and your spouse becomes a huge part of you. Cheesy sounding, I know, but it is the truth. So a huge part of me died on that day. The core of who I am is still the same. Now I just have to figure out how to be just Heather. The new Heather that has encompassed my body. This, again, is a time when it is really hard to get words from my head to my mouth. I can't explain it. Just know that I am trying very hard, EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I talk to Buddy a lot. I tell him about good things, sad things, happy things, memories, and sometimes I just cry to him. I am certain he misses us. I don't doubt that for a minute. I hope his pain as a spiritual being is no where near the pain we are suffering here as humans.  It's more intense than I can even explain. It is physical. I will literally ache from head to toe on my worst days. I will lay on my bed, on my floor, on the bathroom floor, on the kitchen floor, on the shower floor, in my car and literally beg for it to stop. It's not pretty. However, I am reminded that it is necessary. It is a part of the process. So I will endure it and push through it to one day, come out on the other side, a happier and stronger Heather.

Here is what I know:

I am strong. I am pretty sure I have said that before but I know I am. If I wasn't, I would have called it quits a long time ago. I know I am going to get through this. I know that Buddy is near (so please don't feel the need to remind me).  I know there are lot's of  "firsts" to be endured but we WILL endure them, with style, if we have any say on the matter. :)  I know that I am blessed beyond words. I am amazed every single day at the people who I am blessed to have in my life. They come from all over the US. Arizona, Utah, California, Georgia, Alabama, Nebraska, and Texas.  Some are family, some are friends and some are friends who are now family. I know Buddy has placed some of you in my life since he left and I thank him every day for that. I don't want to think of my life without any of these people. Thank you for loving me and blessing my life. Please know I love you more than I can ever say or express. 

Here is what I am asking:

Patience. Have patience with me. Don't question me. Know that every single decision I make, is one I need to make, right or wrong. I am going to make mistakes. Just like you will. I won't judge or ridicule you so please don't do that to me. Understand that there is no "right way" to mourn someone. Every single person does it differently. I am no exception to that rule. I am doing it the only way I can. Don't feel awkward around me. Feel free to talk to me, hug me, tell me we are in your thoughts and prayers. I need to feel that love. I know people are uncomfortable coming up to me. Please don't be. I need to feel that love. Don't question my readiness for things. If I am not ready, I won't do it. Please don't think you know whats best for me and my children more than I do. Please don't mistake my tears for depression or my smiles for happiness. Both emotions can be VERY misleading.  Please keep us in your prayers. I especially ask that for my children. I am not quite sure about my relationship with God right now, or His care or concern for me, but I don't doubt his care and concern for my kids. So please beg and plead to Him on my children's behalf.  Love my children. They need it. The know without a doubt that their mama loves them. We are extremely close and have gotten even closer, but they need love from lots of people right now. We LOVE to talk about Buddy to others. So don't hesitate to talk to us about him. We welcome it. 

I hope each and every one of you reading this blog right now, knows how much it means to me that you read it. I hope it helps you a least a little. I know it helps me tremendously to write it. I would love to hear from you. Your thoughts and encouraging words help us in ways you can't imagine. We got this!

Angels Among Us

I am certain that when Buddy was killed, it was so hard for him to leave us. In my head I picture him begging to come back.  I picture his face, tears streaming down his cheeks as he watched us getting the news. I see him with his arms around us as my children and I embraced in a family hug as we screamed and sobbed at the horrific news. I envision him saying "it's too much. I can't watch them suffer a minute longer." I cannot fathom how horrific that was for him. I truly believe he hurt as we did, perhaps even more.

With that, I also see the ever determined Buddy that I was so in love with. I see him talking out loud to nobody in particular, that he would not ever leave us alone. That he would send people to be his hands on this earth. He knew he couldn't be here non stop so he decided then and there, that he would reach out to people who would in turn reach out to us. 

He has sent me family, friends, (both old friends and new friends) and complete strangers to remind our children and myself that he is not far. He has sent them in all forms. A phone call just when I needed it, a bouquet of flowers, a note, a hug, a gift, or even just a song on the radio. The list is endless.

 

Being a widow, especially after 15 yeas of marriage, is the most alone feeling I can comprehend. I am not naive enough to believe that I am the only human who has ever felt alone. That would not only be silly, but it would be selfish. I know others feel alone but, I am not others. I am only me and I only know what I feel. I feel alone. However, I am well aware that he is constantly sending me reminders that he is near  and loves me. Those reminders will go on forever. I know that. As I get stronger and eventually meet someone else, they will come fewer and farther between but they will never end. Why? Because my love for him will never end. 

So for now, I will embrace the angels that he sends me daily. I will embrace the gifts they each give me. Some tangible, and others not but I savor them all the same.

To my Angels: Thank you. Thank you for listening to his promptings. Thank you for acting on "whims" even when you had no idea why you should.  Thank you for just showing up at my door, even after I say no.  Thank you for loving me, when I have given you no reason to do so. Please don't stop listening..I need it. No matter what I may say or do, I need it.

To my Children: To say you are my whole world, doesn't come close to even explaining what you mean to me. I promised you that fateful day, and I promise you yet again, I will make your life happy. I will see to it that we stay strong and I will never stop saying "we got this!" It has become our motto since the beginning. I promise to always love you and be here for you. I hope you will always love me in return. I am honored to be your mom. I do not deserves such special spirits but I am so grateful that it is I who gets to raise you. I don't know why, on June 21, God took daddy and not me but I am the one left here to raise you as if your amazing dad were physically here. I will never give up.There will be days when I cry, a lot, but know the tears only mean that I loved him so. I mourn only because I loved him beyond words. I will remain strong for not only you, but for your dad and for myself. I truly love you with ALL that I am.

To Buddy: As I sit and reflect on the last 8 months without you physically by my side, I want you to know one thing...I love you. I will always love you. I have no regrets. We never doubted our love for each other. I know that morning when you left me, you knew without a doubt that I loved you. And I, in turn, knew you loved me.  Thank you for being the amazing man that you were. Thank you for blessing my life.  Thank you for giving me strength when I had none.  Thank you for helping me to move forward with my life and helping me to make the decisions that I am faced with every day. I strive every day to make you proud of me. I vow to do just that. Sometimes the pain of not having you here to wrap me in your arms is so intense, I cannot breathe. But, thank you for sending me arms to embrace me in your absence. You know, even now, what I need, and when I need it. Thank you for cheering me on from heaven. I feel it babe. I truly do. I know there will be many tears left to shed and many hours of sleep lost, but I know that we are a team and that you are helping me. Thank you! I love you with every single ounce of my heart and soul. 

Not Just Any Birthday

Today is Garrison's 14th birthday. I cannot believe it. I know parents say that every single year about every child they have but this birthday is so much different. For obvious reasons really and yet, I cannot seem to explain exactly how I am feeling.  On one hand, it is a day to celebrate such an amazing young man. It has been such an honor to be his mother for the past 14 years. Watching him struggle through life with his Autism yet knowing it made him so precious and innocent. It has not been an easy road, but a road that I am proud to have traveled as his mom.

On the other hand, it is yet another first. Probably the most difficult birthday we've had. Most dad's have a very special relationship with their sons but Buddy and Garrison had a very unique and amazing relationship.  The weekend before the accident, Buddy had taken 2 days off to take Garrison camping up at scout camp. It was over Father's Day weekend. He LOVED camping with his boy. Garrison had a huge meltdown while there all because the tents they were sleeping in were canvas and didn't have zippers on them. Buddy almost had to bring him home but he didn't.  He called me and let Garrison cry to me but Garrison slept snuggled up to his dad and they stayed both nights. How incredibly grateful I am that Garrison has that one last memory with dad. I am also grateful for Buddy's extreme patience and love with and for his son.

2 months before the accident, Garrison competed in the Special Olympics track meet.  Buddy was not able to be there for the first event, the softball toss, as he was coaching Rachel's softball team.  Garrison came in 4th and was devastated. Now, these melt downs that Garrison has at things like this, you can't understand them until you are there.  Your heart will break! I promise you that. His innocence is overwhelming and painful at times. He wouldn't even go on the stand and was screaming like crazy.  I called Buddy right away. I was crying at this point and told Buddy that he just had to be there for the race that Garrison was going to be in. He assured me he wouldn't miss it. So, as soon as Rachel's game was over, they rushed over to the race and made it.  Buddy and I stood in the stands screaming and yelling for our boy who ran as fast as he could and we both had tears streaming down our faces when we saw him take first place! As Garrison was walking to the the medal stand, he looked over at Buddy and said "Dad! Say "That's my boy!" " Buddy could barely say it because he was so emotional. Buddy was so incredibly proud of his son.

When we found out I was pregnant with Natalie, our youngest, we were so excited. We just knew it was going to be a boy. We wanted another boy so badly. Especially me. I wanted to give Buddy the son that he could play baseball with and go to sporting events with. I wanted to give him the son that would carry on his last name. When I went to the doctor and found out we were having a girl, Buddy was out of town. I cried and cried before calling him. He was, however, thrilled to hear it was a girl. He did joke that we would now be broke forever with 3 daughters.  Between "weddings, college and bad driving," we would never have money.  He loved his girls though.  One afternoon, he came home to find me sitting in Rachel and Kimbo's room just crying. He sat by me and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him that I felt awful that I couldn't give him the son he always wanted.  He quickly told me to stop. He said "you gave me the most perfect son in the whole world. I don't want Garrison any other way than the way he is!" He was always proud of our son. We both were and continue to be.

So today, as we celebrate Garrison's 14 years with our family, I find myself a little, okay a lot, sad that Buddy isn't here in person to be a part of this special day.  The firsts of everything are hard after you lose someone..your children's birthdays are extremely difficult.  Just when you feel like you have taken 2 steps forward, a day like today comes along and you take 1 back.

I will be honest. I have never looked at Garrisons autism as a burden.  It is who he is and I wouldn't change anything about him.  Sure I wish his life were easier and things weren't so hard on him but in many ways, it is a blessing. However, since Buddy's death, I have been so angry that God would take Buddy away so that I now have to handle the overwhelming stresses that come with raising a child with severe special needs, all alone. Now before you comment that I am not alone, please don't.  I know that there is a God who is there and I know Buddy is helping me from where he is but you have no idea. I am physically alone. All the decisions are mine.. they may be right and they may be wrong but they are ultimately up to me. I no longer have him physically here to help me in all that this kind of life requires. That is OK  I guess. I am strong and very independent but I want Buddy physically here for them. For this sweet boy to have his dad here.

I have said it so much and I will say it many more times. Watching the hurt I have had to watch my kids endure has been torture. However, it has also made me stronger and given me a much stronger desire to try all the harder, to fight and to accomplish great things.  Garrison will be no exception. I will make his life wonderful and happy.

Happy Birthday to my amazing son. Thank you for allowing me to be your mom. I will make you proud and I promise you happiness. I love you with all that I am!

Judgement Day?

As I sit down to type this, I don't really even know what I am going to write about. I just feel I need to write. I have a million different thoughts in my head and trying to get them from there to here can indeed prove to be very difficult. I never ever want to sound negative or over dramatic so I typically weigh my thoughts VERY carefully before ever sitting down to my computer. Hopefully by the end of this post, you will be enlightened.

The fact of the matter is tonight is just a rough night. Regardless of what you may read on my blog or my Facebook, I am a private person. I leave much of my life out of the public forum especially these past 7 months. It may be shocking for some of you to learn but I have been judged in ways you cannot imagine. I don't tell any of you that to have you say poor Heather. In fact, I don't ever want those words to come out of your mouths. I only share it to defend myself. I don't think I should have to but you do tend to get to a breaking point where you just can't take one more comment.

I have been  through things the past 7 months that people cannot imagine. Some of those things are clearly very obvious, others not so much. I have changed a lot in the past 7 months but mostly because I have had to. I haven't had a choice.  And that is ok. that is why we are given trials in this life. To learn and grow. I will not ever say I am doing everything right. I will not even pretend I know what I am doing. But, I am trying. I am trying every single day to be a great mom and a good person. I see the smiles on my children's faces, hear the laughter in their voices and that tells me I must surely be doing something right. I am most certainly making mistakes. I, just as you in your daily life, am entitled to make those mistakes. Please, instead of judging me or questioning me, just love me, pray for me and have some faith in me.

I will tell you this...You always think you know what you will do when something happens to you..I assure you..YOU DON'T. When it is YOUR life instead of someone else's, it is suddenly different. You cannot comprehend the things you will think and feel until it is you facing it. I still sit here at times and am in complete disbelief that this has happened to me and my children. It doesn't seem real or even possible. However, it is the hand I have been dealt and I am bound and determined to make the best life possible for my children and I. 

It's funny how many people question things you do. Dating for example..People want to know if I am really ready for that. This is my answer. Nobody can see into my mind and my heart. I will not do anything I do not feel ready for. If and when I am out on a date, I assure you I will be ready.

Moving is another great example. I know that to many, me staying in Texas, far away from family may not make sense to you but it does to me and my kids. We love it here. This is our home for now. I don't know where our future will take us but for now, we are here. I will not move until I have a reason to. Weather that is God telling me it is time or a job or even a relationship is the reason. I will not move until I feel it is without a doubt the right thing for my children and myself.

I have had some amazing experiences these past few weeks. Some I have shared with you and others I have not. I am grateful beyond words for each of those experiences. Some have been very hard, while others have been nothing but heartwarming and joyful. I have met people some amazing people and had some wonderful and enlightening conversations. I am so grateful for each of those moments and each of those people.

I want to thank all of you for your love, support and prayers. It has not been an easy road and has most certainly been Hell. However, there have also been very beautiful moments that I will always cherish. Thank you for all of the feedback I have received on my blog. I am always shocked and amazed at the messages I get of how much my blog has impacted many of your lives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. They mean more than you know. 

This is what I know...

I love Buddy with all of my heart. I will love him until the day that I die. I miss him desperately. I do not lay in bed all day every day crying. I can't.  That is not who I am.  I am a fighter and a very determined woman. He helped mold me into that woman and I won't let him or myself down. I understand that many may not agree with everything I do, but I know that those who truly love me, will in the end, still love me. I know that I am going to do things in my own time and when I am ready. I know that I am going to do the very best I possibly can every single day. I know I will still cry and have my very private moments where I just lay in a ball and sob until I literally get sick. And that's ok. Its all part of it. I not only cry for our loss of my husband and my children's father but for other things in my life as well. I know I am strong and regardless of anything anyone may say to or about me, I will make this life a happy one for myself and my amazing children. Just you wait and see!