Am I a Good Mom??

For the past 10 months, I have had a job at the YMCA. This is not only the first real job I have had since we have been married, but really the first real job I have had my entire life. I have always dreamed of being a stay at home mom and for the last 13 years, I have been able to do that. Finally it just got to a point where I was going to have to find a job outside of my home. Not an easy thing for me to do...not because of the economy or the high rate of un-employment, but because of my own self doubt and complete and utter fear!

My job at the YMCA landed right into my lap. It was divine intervention..nothing less. As happy as I have been at the Y, it has not been without struggles. Struggles with other employees, struggles with some of the members but mostly, struggles within myself. You see, I am no different than any other mom or any other woman in general. I am my biggest critic. I am constantly second guessing myself and if I am doing the right thing. I have always done that, and I will probably always do that.

I have never been the best house cleaner, best cook, best story teller, best seamstress, best scrap-booker, best softball mom, best room mom, best example of manners..but I LOVE my kids. You see, you may come over and my house probably will not be perfect. There will be dust on some things, there will probably be dishes in the sink, and there is a very good chance that my kitchen floor will not just have been mopped. My kids may eat the exact same 7 meals every week, 1/2 of which involve some sort of fast food. I cannot sew on a button to save my life, let alone an entire dress or costume. I started scrap booking when Buddy and I first got married and did great for Garrison, good for Rachel, fair for Kimbo and awful for Natalie. I love to burp..and I mean burp REALLY loud. I call it my talent. Some call it rude. My kids call it AMAZING! I LOVE my kids.

Now, since I have started to work at the Y, I have been home a lot less which means my house is suffering, our family dinners are suffering, our story time is suffering, our family is not suffering, but sacrificing. Those sacrifices have been very hard on all of us. The hardest has been not being here when Garrison gets off of the bus or here for dinner or here to tuck them in. Those sacrifices start to wear on you fast. You start to wonder...am I a good mom? If I was, my house would be clean, my children would have well balanced meals every night, they would have a snack plate full of vegetables and dip, or warm cookies fresh from the oven, right when they walk in the door from school. They would have adorable clothes to wear to school that nobody would have any idea were home-made because I would have sewn them so beautifully. My hair would always look amazing and my make-up freshly done. I would clip coupons and save us so much money that I wouldn't have to work. That's what good mom's do right?

I have cried countless tears over these thoughts. I have beat myself up until I was so far down into a deep dark hole that I never thought I would make it out alive. Then things like tonight happen. I come into my bathroom after a long night at work and on my bathroom mirror I see "Rachel's Poem to Mom." "Mommy likes to burp, mommy likes to sleep, but most of all mommy likes being the best mommy to ME!" I am a good mom!! You know why??? Because my kids all 4 know that I love them. They know I am here for them. They know I pray for them. They know that I will do anything for them. They know that my favorite thing that I do is being their mom. They know they are my everything. Nothing else matters!