Where do I go from here?

December started out with a bang. I was thoroughly enjoying doing my 24 days of service. Each act was bringing so much joy to my heart and was really helping me get into the spirit of Christmas. I was looking forward to sharing some of those activities with each of my readers and hoping that through my adventures, you too would feel the spirit of the Christmas season. And then the 21st came...

I had just got home from helping out at a nursing home and wanted to take a quick nap before having to go to work at 4. My cell phone rang at 12:20..I checked and saw it was my good friend Sheree. I was a little shocked that she was calling as she usually would just text me. I figured she would understand I was resting and would call her later so I let it go to voice mail. Then, I heard the home phone ring...then my cell phone again. Still her. Then I get a text from her. CALL ME! 911! I knew something was up so I quickly called her.

She said "Heather, Victor is dead." First: Shock. Second:hysterics. I fell to the ground sobbing and shaking. I just kept screaming "no, no, no!!" I eventually had to run into the bathroom and get sick. I couldn't control myself. I could barely hold the phone I was shaking so bad. I continuously kept falling to the floor. Anytime I would try to stand, I would fall back down. I drove to the Y almost immediately (not smart I know but I just HAD to be there) to be with my co-workers and feel their support and give them what little I may have.

Victor Escapita was my co-worker, that is true. However, Burrito (as we called him in my home) was more than that. He was a son to Buddy and I, a big brother to my kids, and a friend to our entire family. He came to Buddy and I for advice, came to our home for dinners on Sunday's, came to church sometimes, came to the girls softball games, and any church program my kids were in. He played countless board games with Kimbo and would always text me when he got home with an "I am home...I love you guys." One time, he sent me a Facebook message that told me my family meant more to him then we could imagine and how that one particular afternoon with my family was one of the best days he had ever had.

At work, he would stay until close (if he was working, that was 2 hours past his shift) just to make sure the women made it out to their cars and out of the parking lot safely. Even if he wasn't working, he came up and just sat with us and kept us safe. He was a guardian to us all. He was furious when he found out some kids had been bullying Kimbo. It tore him apart when I would tell him what some kids had said to her. Not sure I ever saw him that angry. He loved my kids. More than I know I am sure. We loved him. More than he will ever know. We lost a member of our family.....

I lost my dad 12 1/2 years ago..I know it takes time to heal. I know the pain doesn't ever go away but does get duller. I know there will be days, and moments that are more difficult than others. I know I will see him again. However, right now...I am heartbroken. I am hurting and sad. Every time I walk into the Y, I have to fight with everything I am to not burst into tears. Every night when I close, I long to hear his squeaking shoes walking behind me as I make my rounds through the building. I cannot come to grips that he will not be there with me ever again. I cannot accept that he will not be lifting Natalie into the air or swinging her around. I cannot imagine that he will not play Monopoly just one more time with Kimbo or walk in the door and immediately hand Garrison his Ipod so that he can play games. I cannot comprehend days and days going by without hearing him say "shaking my head" or "I will remember this when you need a kidney." I cannot and do not want to think of my family without him here with us, being a part of our lives.

I will miss him every single day. Yes, I know it will get "easier" but for now....it just sucks!