Fear of the Unknown

Pretty sure there has never been a time in my life when the future has scared me so much. As a child, the future is the next day or summer vacation. Your worries are who will be your best friend this week. As a teenager, your future is getting your drivers license or prom. You worry if you will past the test or have a date. As a young adult you start to open your eyes to a few more important concerns like college and bills. Your concerns are what you want to be when you grow up and if you will make enough money to support all of your dreams.  As you grow older, your future changes. With decisions you make, things that happen that are beyond your control and changes in your course, your hopes and dreams change.

When we found out Garrison was severely autistic, I remember the team of physicians telling us that we would still have dreams for our son, they would just be altered significantly. We probably wouldn't dream about him being a big league player or an award winning surgeon. Our dreams shifted to getting him to a point where he could do things alone, without our help. Hopefully, one day he would have a job and be able to live in a house that Buddy would build for him in our back yard. We have never felt bad for altering our dreams for Garrison. We have reveled in every single milestone he has crossed. We are so proud of our son and all that he has achieved and will achieve.

Now I face a future of unknowns. What will become of me? Will I find someone else who will love me? Will anyone actually want me and my kids? Don't get me wrong..I am not saying I am out looking for someone. If it happens, it happens but it is a fear I have. The fear of being alone and unwanted. My kids come first. I keep telling people that if my kids are happy, then I am happy. And that is absolutely true! Seeing them smile right now brings more joy to me then I can express. Those smiles is what gets me out of bed every single day. 

I worry that I will not be the mom I need to be to all 4 of my children. I worry that now their innocent dreams for their futures, have been greatly altered. I worry that they will never feel safe again.  I work and will work VERY hard to ensure that they achieve anything and everything they want to and that they will never question how safe they are. I want them to understand that their dad will continue to help them through every milestone and step in their lives.

I just want happiness. I want it for my children but I also want it for me. What I really want is the love of my life to walk back through that door and wrap me in his arms and tell me "I am here! Everything is going to be OK." I want to hear him tell me that I am making him proud and that he knows I can do this. I want him to promise me that happiness is in my future. I want to hear him say he loves me and is proud that I am his. I want to hear him say all of the silly things we used to say to each other. Things that were just between us.  I want to hear him call me "babe" and say "why are we so weird?" as we bust up laughing. 

Instead, I will keep moving forward, try not to worry so much (yeah right!) and just have a little faith that my family is going to be okay. We have suffered a huge blow but I refuse to allow that blow to destroy my kids or myself. Weather anyone wants us in the future or not,  we have each other and for that, I am the most blessed mom in the world.