Healing?

1 Year ago today, I had gone to a nursing home to help volunteer at a Christmas Craft Day. As I left the facility, I couldn't wait to get home and take a much needed nap. As I laid down, my cell phone rang. It was my good friend Sheree. I didn't answer because I so badly just wanted to sleep. Then my home phone rang..again Sheree. Once again, I thought "I just want to sleep." Then a text comes through.."call me! 911"..My heart dropped and so I immediately called her..She gave me the news that our very very dear friend Victor had died in his sleep. Victor was only 19 years old.  I literally fell to the ground. I just kept saying "no!" I hung up and called my friend and our boss Anne and gave her the news. We sobbed on the phone together. I called Buddy. He was immediately heartbroken.

Victor, or as we call him in our home "Burrito" was very much a member of our family. He ate Sunday dinners with us, babysat for us and came to Buddy and I on countless occasions for advice on everything from girls, to school, to God..We loved him like a son and he was very much a big brother to our 4 children. It was breathtaking to watch the connection he had with all of our kids but especially our sweet Kimbo. The two of them had a very special bond.

Buddy and I waited to tell the kids until he got home from work. I sat on the couch with my arms around them as he told them, through tears, that Victor had died. It was excruciating. As parents, knowing you are about to tell your kids something that will devastate them, well that is just beyond difficult. From that moment, for the next few weeks, we focused everything on Victors memory and on his family. We have never fully recovered from that loss and it was very difficult on every member of my family..

We have been very grateful for the times we had with Burrito. He made us laugh until we had tears coming from our eyes. He was such a wonderful young man and we were blessed to be his adopted family. We think about and miss him every single day. We are truly better for knowing him.

Fast Forward 6 months...

I wake up and my first thought is "why didn't Buddy kiss me before he left for work?" Feeling slightly irritated and a little sad, I decide to quickly check my email before jumping in the shower. I see a Facebook alert that says "There has been a runner that was hit on Willow Springs. If you have a loved one who did not come home this morning, please call 911. My husband works for Forth Worth PD and they are looking for the runner's family." (This is not word for word but VERY close to it). I immediatly knew it was Buddy. I don't know how or why but I knew. I started breathing very hard and very loud. So loud that I woke Rachel and Kimbo up with my breathing. I rushed to the front door, looked out the peephole and saw his work car sitting in the front. I started saying "No! No! No!" I ran into Garrison's room to look out the window and sure enough, there it was. He had never left for work. He should have already been at work for over an hour at this time.  I ran into the family room and Rachel said "Mom! What's wrong! Is it daddy?" I told her I wasn't sure. That I needed to call 9-1-1. I asked her and Kimbo to run fast and get Justin and Laci from next door.

Justin is ultimately the one who went to the scene of the accident and found out it was Buddy. He came back and was standing outside when I went out the front door. I said "Justin, is it him?" He said they thought it was Buddy. I said "And he's dead"..He nodded yes. I fell to the ground. I immediately thought and said out loud "what am I going to tell the kids? What will I tell Garrison?" I stood up and vomited in the bushes. I told the kids..a moment I will never forget and one that I will never heal from. I remember that same feeling Buddy and I had shared together just 6 months before..How do you tell your kids something that will devastate them. I had to be the one to give them news that would change everything in their lives. It would ruin a part of them forever. How, as a mother, do you do that? The moment I told them will forever be scarred in my mind. I will never recover from that moment.

Today I am mad. Today I am sad. Today I feel alone. Today I scream "It's not fair". Today I ask why. Today I ache in ways that shouldn't be humanly possible. Today I feel like I will never heal. And before you tell me I will heal, please just don't because TODAY I don't want to hear that. Today I want to cry and miss them. Today and I want to just be mad, sad, alone and left questioning.

Today is a bad day. I try not to have many, I try to stay positive every single day. I try to pump myself up every day and tell myself that I am strong and that I will be happy. But just when it seems like I might have found something happy..well it ends up hurting me instead. Not sure why it continues to work out that way but regardless it does.

I will push through..My kids happiness is really all that does matter. You can all be damn sure I will take care of them. I am not a selfish person. I love them with all that I am. I will continue to keep moving forward and ensure they have a very bright future. Not sure why they got me instead of him but I will prove to myself and everyone else that I can and will do this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn7pWm4i0ZU