Angels Among Us

I am certain that when Buddy was killed, it was so hard for him to leave us. In my head I picture him begging to come back.  I picture his face, tears streaming down his cheeks as he watched us getting the news. I see him with his arms around us as my children and I embraced in a family hug as we screamed and sobbed at the horrific news. I envision him saying "it's too much. I can't watch them suffer a minute longer." I cannot fathom how horrific that was for him. I truly believe he hurt as we did, perhaps even more.

With that, I also see the ever determined Buddy that I was so in love with. I see him talking out loud to nobody in particular, that he would not ever leave us alone. That he would send people to be his hands on this earth. He knew he couldn't be here non stop so he decided then and there, that he would reach out to people who would in turn reach out to us. 

He has sent me family, friends, (both old friends and new friends) and complete strangers to remind our children and myself that he is not far. He has sent them in all forms. A phone call just when I needed it, a bouquet of flowers, a note, a hug, a gift, or even just a song on the radio. The list is endless.

 

Being a widow, especially after 15 yeas of marriage, is the most alone feeling I can comprehend. I am not naive enough to believe that I am the only human who has ever felt alone. That would not only be silly, but it would be selfish. I know others feel alone but, I am not others. I am only me and I only know what I feel. I feel alone. However, I am well aware that he is constantly sending me reminders that he is near  and loves me. Those reminders will go on forever. I know that. As I get stronger and eventually meet someone else, they will come fewer and farther between but they will never end. Why? Because my love for him will never end. 

So for now, I will embrace the angels that he sends me daily. I will embrace the gifts they each give me. Some tangible, and others not but I savor them all the same.

To my Angels: Thank you. Thank you for listening to his promptings. Thank you for acting on "whims" even when you had no idea why you should.  Thank you for just showing up at my door, even after I say no.  Thank you for loving me, when I have given you no reason to do so. Please don't stop listening..I need it. No matter what I may say or do, I need it.

To my Children: To say you are my whole world, doesn't come close to even explaining what you mean to me. I promised you that fateful day, and I promise you yet again, I will make your life happy. I will see to it that we stay strong and I will never stop saying "we got this!" It has become our motto since the beginning. I promise to always love you and be here for you. I hope you will always love me in return. I am honored to be your mom. I do not deserves such special spirits but I am so grateful that it is I who gets to raise you. I don't know why, on June 21, God took daddy and not me but I am the one left here to raise you as if your amazing dad were physically here. I will never give up.There will be days when I cry, a lot, but know the tears only mean that I loved him so. I mourn only because I loved him beyond words. I will remain strong for not only you, but for your dad and for myself. I truly love you with ALL that I am.

To Buddy: As I sit and reflect on the last 8 months without you physically by my side, I want you to know one thing...I love you. I will always love you. I have no regrets. We never doubted our love for each other. I know that morning when you left me, you knew without a doubt that I loved you. And I, in turn, knew you loved me.  Thank you for being the amazing man that you were. Thank you for blessing my life.  Thank you for giving me strength when I had none.  Thank you for helping me to move forward with my life and helping me to make the decisions that I am faced with every day. I strive every day to make you proud of me. I vow to do just that. Sometimes the pain of not having you here to wrap me in your arms is so intense, I cannot breathe. But, thank you for sending me arms to embrace me in your absence. You know, even now, what I need, and when I need it. Thank you for cheering me on from heaven. I feel it babe. I truly do. I know there will be many tears left to shed and many hours of sleep lost, but I know that we are a team and that you are helping me. Thank you! I love you with every single ounce of my heart and soul.