I cannot explain how I feel. I am more sad than I have been in months. It's like it is just dawning on me. This is my new life. Trying to get thoughts from my head, to this page sometimes proves to be very difficult. Many things I just choose not to share and others, I just don't quite know how to say so that others can understand. Last week, on the 21st, I hit what those closest to me, and my counselor, are calling "rock bottom." Not sure how one tells when that is or what may classify me as hitting it but I trust all aforementioned people so I will just take their word for it. Am I still at rock bottom? No...I am digging my way up and out. Trying to at least. A very dear friend of mine told me today that she thinks it is so hard for me to comprehend the magnitude of our situation because I am in survival mode. Not only for myself, but for my children. She said that from an outsider, it is truly one of the saddest things she has ever seen or heard her entire life. I suppose that is true. When I sit back and just try and put it all in perspective, it is crushing. So I just flat out don't.
Today was Garrison's basketball Special Olympics competition. These are always tricky. Garrison is not the best at taking anything but a gold. I know most kids are not great at losing, but this is on a different level. You have no idea how bad it is, until you have been there and witnessed it. It would rip your heart out. After he competed, we sat and sat and sat. We waited for the awards to be given. I felt sick. All the time, in my head, I was begging Buddy to please make it possible for Garrison to win the Gold. I just didn't think I could emotionally handle him losing it. When they said his name, and a gold medal, tears filled my eyes. I screamed and yelled and Garrison was beaming. He kissed his medal over and over. My mind quickly went back to April 21...2 months before Buddy died. Garrison had gotten 4th place in the softball throw and had lost it. He was crushed. He screamed and yelled and sobbed. I sobbed with him. It was so hard to watch. Buddy couldn't be there for it. He came later, in time for the running. Garrison took Gold. As Garrison was walking to the awards area, he looked over at Buddy and yelled "Dad! Say That's My Boy!". With tears streaming down Buddy's face, he yelled back "That's my boy!"
At my counseling session the other day, I was telling my counselor how sometimes it is so hard for others to understand that it is the little things that hurt the most..Natalie lost her tooth the other night in her sleep. I cried because Buddy wasn't here to witness the loss of her first tooth. I told him how badly that hurt. He said that many people think only of the "firsts" as holidays, birthdays and major events. However, the "firsts" are a list longer than you can imagine. They will happen for years to come. When those things happen, I often hear "Buddy was there with you" or "He was watching from above". I know people just don't know what to say and are only trying to help and I sincerely appreciate that but the fact of the matter is, the kids and I just want to scream when we hear that. It's not even close to the same. We want him PHYSICALLY here. (I just read that part to Rachel and she said "Yes! Exactly! You took the words right out of my mouth mom!) Like I said, we appreciate others kindness and desire to bring us comfort but I assure you, those words don't. They only hurt more. They are stark reminders that we will never see him on this earth ever again.
A part of me went with Buddy on June 21, 2012. In the past 8 months, I have changed so much. I have had to. I didn't choose this. I literally woke up to it one morning. Some days, I feel like I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself any more. I look a lot more tired, and some days, I just look worn and sad. I am not walking around moping all day every day. Far from it. But, this is a journey and part of this journey is figuring myself out. That can be a very scary thing. When you are married for 15 years, you become so much a part of your spouse and your spouse becomes a huge part of you. Cheesy sounding, I know, but it is the truth. So a huge part of me died on that day. The core of who I am is still the same. Now I just have to figure out how to be just Heather. The new Heather that has encompassed my body. This, again, is a time when it is really hard to get words from my head to my mouth. I can't explain it. Just know that I am trying very hard, EVERY SINGLE DAY!
I talk to Buddy a lot. I tell him about good things, sad things, happy things, memories, and sometimes I just cry to him. I am certain he misses us. I don't doubt that for a minute. I hope his pain as a spiritual being is no where near the pain we are suffering here as humans. It's more intense than I can even explain. It is physical. I will literally ache from head to toe on my worst days. I will lay on my bed, on my floor, on the bathroom floor, on the kitchen floor, on the shower floor, in my car and literally beg for it to stop. It's not pretty. However, I am reminded that it is necessary. It is a part of the process. So I will endure it and push through it to one day, come out on the other side, a happier and stronger Heather.
Here is what I know:
I am strong. I am pretty sure I have said that before but I know I am. If I wasn't, I would have called it quits a long time ago. I know I am going to get through this. I know that Buddy is near (so please don't feel the need to remind me). I know there are lot's of "firsts" to be endured but we WILL endure them, with style, if we have any say on the matter. :) I know that I am blessed beyond words. I am amazed every single day at the people who I am blessed to have in my life. They come from all over the US. Arizona, Utah, California, Georgia, Alabama, Nebraska, and Texas. Some are family, some are friends and some are friends who are now family. I know Buddy has placed some of you in my life since he left and I thank him every day for that. I don't want to think of my life without any of these people. Thank you for loving me and blessing my life. Please know I love you more than I can ever say or express.
Here is what I am asking:
Patience. Have patience with me. Don't question me. Know that every single decision I make, is one I need to make, right or wrong. I am going to make mistakes. Just like you will. I won't judge or ridicule you so please don't do that to me. Understand that there is no "right way" to mourn someone. Every single person does it differently. I am no exception to that rule. I am doing it the only way I can. Don't feel awkward around me. Feel free to talk to me, hug me, tell me we are in your thoughts and prayers. I need to feel that love. I know people are uncomfortable coming up to me. Please don't be. I need to feel that love. Don't question my readiness for things. If I am not ready, I won't do it. Please don't think you know whats best for me and my children more than I do. Please don't mistake my tears for depression or my smiles for happiness. Both emotions can be VERY misleading. Please keep us in your prayers. I especially ask that for my children. I am not quite sure about my relationship with God right now, or His care or concern for me, but I don't doubt his care and concern for my kids. So please beg and plead to Him on my children's behalf. Love my children. They need it. The know without a doubt that their mama loves them. We are extremely close and have gotten even closer, but they need love from lots of people right now. We LOVE to talk about Buddy to others. So don't hesitate to talk to us about him. We welcome it.
I hope each and every one of you reading this blog right now, knows how much it means to me that you read it. I hope it helps you a least a little. I know it helps me tremendously to write it. I would love to hear from you. Your thoughts and encouraging words help us in ways you can't imagine. We got this!
8 comments:
Heather, I read every post and I cry every time. I can't even begin to put into words the ache I feel for you and everything you are going through. I will continue to pray for not only your children, but for you. You have been my hero for as long as I can remember (literally), and that will never change. You are AMAZING and probably the strongest woman that I have the pleasure of knowing. I love you to pieces. I am so grateful that you are willing to share these intimate pieces of your life with the rest of us. It truly touches my life each and every time.
I so admire the way you can put this out there and make your boundaries clear for others. You are just awesome and such an inspiration! Inspirational enough that I actually believe I can hang with you in a 5k :) xoxo
Heather, you may not remember me a whole lot - I hosted a Just Jewelry party a few years ago with you. (I live down the street from Heather.) I feel compelled to tell you that I think of you often and pray for you and your family. I cried when I heard about Buddy because I could not imagine what you must have been going through. I read your posts and your blogs and I quietly hurt for you from afar. I cry every time I read your words and I feel your pain. You are a strong woman - so strong. And no matter how many times people may say it, you truly are an inspiration. I know there are others like me who, although you may not know it, read your words, think of you often and send prayers your way. You are an eloquent writer - clever, witty, honest and humorous all at once. I just wanted you to know that so many people are reading, hoping and praying that you are able to get through this, even though they may not say it. You truly are amazing.
I feel the pain acutely too. I don't have the support you have. My friends, for the most part, do not ask how I am or how Dad is. It is always about you and the kids and I am forever grateful people care so much to ask about how you all are doing. If anyone can feel the pain you do and the kids do, we do because we feel as a parent does and also as a spouse who knows they will lose a spouse too in a short period of time. We know our lives will end sooner rather than later. I have always been told that losing a child is even worse than losing a spouse. I hope I go first so I do not have to test that idea. When you feel alone and believe God is not hearing you or not responding to you, look carefully. He hears every plead and every distress signal. He is the only one who is carrying you in your greatest grief. We have to let him heal us. He will knock, but he will not do what is needed until we allow him to help us to love again and to move forward. I agree the 8th month anniversary was the hardest of all. I think part of that is because we are close to the one year anniversary. I don't know how to deal with his birthday or this one year anniversary. I know the only thing that keeps me standing at all and getting up in the morning is to look at what I do have right now--knowing what I do have can also be taken from me at any time and when it is least expected. I cannot even listen to music I once loved because it tears my heart out. Country/western are just about the worst for me. Hymns are right behind them. That is hard to find no solace in hymns and I dread choir practice every Sunday. I pray with all my might for healing for our family and to have it come soon. But it won't as it is a process--the hardest in the world. Yet every day women and men face this challenge and somehow find joy. As long as you have those who love you with you on a daily basis, your life is the richest of any on earth. I will never be whole again in this life, but I pray you will be nearly whole in the coming years. I felt our family fracturing that day and I carry that burden hour by hour. Hold on to your faith and plead for the Lord to heal you first for as you are healed, so your children will be healed. We love you all beyond anything you can imagine. I wish there was more we could do to take away the grief and pain, but we each must bear the cross of grief and pain. Life will never be the same. But it must become easier and I think that comes as we focus on what we want to become as individuals. What do you want for yourself, Heather? You cannot fill your children's buckets until you have filled your own. Think about what you want to be doing in two years, in five years, in ten years. What you decide can always change, but start with what you need first and take care of that. Your children have one goal--to learn all they can and develop their talents. Focus on your personal development. Start with the spiritual and all else will be added. You write beautifully, are a beautiful mother, and yes, you have changed. We all have. Bless you my sweetheart.
May you feel God's arms around you each and everyday. Bless you for your determination, dedication, and desire to be the best you can be. I hope you can feel the prayers for your precious family.
Heather, I love the way you can express your feelings on such a tough topic. I haven't been able to do that much, esp. since losing my husband last summer. I do write in a journal and also write to him, but it's not stuff I would be willing to share. I can relate to so many of your sentiments and pray that you will feel guided and directed from above in ways you never thought possible - HUGS - Jenn
I read every one of your posts. Just wanted you to know that I think of you often.
You are so amazing Heather. I have always looked up to you, and I feel so blessed to have known you in my life. I am aching for your guys and will keep you and your sweet children in my prayers. I am so grateful for The Plan of Salvation. Thank you for helping me cherish my moments with my husband. Love you.
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