RTR (Roll Tide Roll for all of you non Bama fans)

What an experience. On November 9th, I boarded an airplane to Alabama, with no kids, to have the opportunity to go and watch an Alabama football game at Bryant Denny Stadium. Buddy's cousin Joe has been such a blessing in my life and has worked so hard to bring me whatever happiness he could since Buddy died. He is the one who bought the tickets and invited me to come along. He and his sweet, sweet wife Karen have opened their home to me and my family and have helped us create some amazing memories.  I am so grateful to him for that.  This past weekend is one I will not soon forget.

While I was there I got to meet some absolutely incredible people.  Some people who I hope will be in my life forever. Some people who have touched me and my heart, in ways they don't understand. I met one amazing woman who can relate so much with me and what I am going through. She gave me some great advice and I guarantee she has no idea how something she said brought me so much comfort. So thank you Elise, for saying things to me that have helped to heal my heart! You are an incredible woman and I love you so much already!

Joe and Hunter (Hunter is Joes best friend and has become a very dear friend to me over the past 3 months) know some people so they made it possible for me to meet some of the players! WOW!!! I was shaking with excitement! It was incredible!! I am still floating from the entire experience.

I am not sure what it is about Alabama but I can tell you this..I love it there. It feels like home to me. I don't quite understand it or know how to explain it but it just feels amazing to be there. It's not one thing in particular, at least not one thing I can put my finger on.  I will say that when I run there, a peace completely consumes me. I ache to have that peace. 

I was talking to Buddy's best friend last night and I was telling him that a few things have become clear to me..I have never liked running but I LOVE it now..I have always liked Alabama football but the past 4-5 years I have really started loving it and now, it is way past love..it is an obsession. It dawned on me a few days ago...running and Alabama football..those 2 things are Buddy through and through. I have engrossed myself with them because those 2 things were such a huge part of who he was. Running and Alabama football bring me comfort and joy in ways that nobody can understand.

I am so grateful for the happy events that have occured in my life recently. Things that never would have if Buddy were still here. I would trade every one of those moments to have Buddy back here and to just be in his arms but I can't do that. I don't understand why this is my life but it is and I am trying so hard to embrace that. God has put some amazing people in my life. I may not know why each of them is there or how long they will be there but I will love them with all that I am while they are because they can be gone...just..like...that.

So thank you to every single person who made this last, amazing weekend happen. Joe, Hunter, Shawn, Angela, Laurie, My brother Richard, and so many others. I don't know when I will get to go back..I do know that it will never be soon enough.

I know some of you may laugh at my, our families, obsession with Alabama football but as you laugh, keep in mind that it is so much of a lifeline to me right now. It's so much more than just "football" to me. So yes, I may scream and say things no good christian woman says and I may even cry when we lose but the joy that it brings me is indescribable!

Roll Tide Roll!!!

Fear of the Unknown

Pretty sure there has never been a time in my life when the future has scared me so much. As a child, the future is the next day or summer vacation. Your worries are who will be your best friend this week. As a teenager, your future is getting your drivers license or prom. You worry if you will past the test or have a date. As a young adult you start to open your eyes to a few more important concerns like college and bills. Your concerns are what you want to be when you grow up and if you will make enough money to support all of your dreams.  As you grow older, your future changes. With decisions you make, things that happen that are beyond your control and changes in your course, your hopes and dreams change.

When we found out Garrison was severely autistic, I remember the team of physicians telling us that we would still have dreams for our son, they would just be altered significantly. We probably wouldn't dream about him being a big league player or an award winning surgeon. Our dreams shifted to getting him to a point where he could do things alone, without our help. Hopefully, one day he would have a job and be able to live in a house that Buddy would build for him in our back yard. We have never felt bad for altering our dreams for Garrison. We have reveled in every single milestone he has crossed. We are so proud of our son and all that he has achieved and will achieve.

Now I face a future of unknowns. What will become of me? Will I find someone else who will love me? Will anyone actually want me and my kids? Don't get me wrong..I am not saying I am out looking for someone. If it happens, it happens but it is a fear I have. The fear of being alone and unwanted. My kids come first. I keep telling people that if my kids are happy, then I am happy. And that is absolutely true! Seeing them smile right now brings more joy to me then I can express. Those smiles is what gets me out of bed every single day. 

I worry that I will not be the mom I need to be to all 4 of my children. I worry that now their innocent dreams for their futures, have been greatly altered. I worry that they will never feel safe again.  I work and will work VERY hard to ensure that they achieve anything and everything they want to and that they will never question how safe they are. I want them to understand that their dad will continue to help them through every milestone and step in their lives.

I just want happiness. I want it for my children but I also want it for me. What I really want is the love of my life to walk back through that door and wrap me in his arms and tell me "I am here! Everything is going to be OK." I want to hear him tell me that I am making him proud and that he knows I can do this. I want him to promise me that happiness is in my future. I want to hear him say he loves me and is proud that I am his. I want to hear him say all of the silly things we used to say to each other. Things that were just between us.  I want to hear him call me "babe" and say "why are we so weird?" as we bust up laughing. 

Instead, I will keep moving forward, try not to worry so much (yeah right!) and just have a little faith that my family is going to be okay. We have suffered a huge blow but I refuse to allow that blow to destroy my kids or myself. Weather anyone wants us in the future or not,  we have each other and for that, I am the most blessed mom in the world.