Where do I go from here?

December started out with a bang. I was thoroughly enjoying doing my 24 days of service. Each act was bringing so much joy to my heart and was really helping me get into the spirit of Christmas. I was looking forward to sharing some of those activities with each of my readers and hoping that through my adventures, you too would feel the spirit of the Christmas season. And then the 21st came...

I had just got home from helping out at a nursing home and wanted to take a quick nap before having to go to work at 4. My cell phone rang at 12:20..I checked and saw it was my good friend Sheree. I was a little shocked that she was calling as she usually would just text me. I figured she would understand I was resting and would call her later so I let it go to voice mail. Then, I heard the home phone ring...then my cell phone again. Still her. Then I get a text from her. CALL ME! 911! I knew something was up so I quickly called her.

She said "Heather, Victor is dead." First: Shock. Second:hysterics. I fell to the ground sobbing and shaking. I just kept screaming "no, no, no!!" I eventually had to run into the bathroom and get sick. I couldn't control myself. I could barely hold the phone I was shaking so bad. I continuously kept falling to the floor. Anytime I would try to stand, I would fall back down. I drove to the Y almost immediately (not smart I know but I just HAD to be there) to be with my co-workers and feel their support and give them what little I may have.

Victor Escapita was my co-worker, that is true. However, Burrito (as we called him in my home) was more than that. He was a son to Buddy and I, a big brother to my kids, and a friend to our entire family. He came to Buddy and I for advice, came to our home for dinners on Sunday's, came to church sometimes, came to the girls softball games, and any church program my kids were in. He played countless board games with Kimbo and would always text me when he got home with an "I am home...I love you guys." One time, he sent me a Facebook message that told me my family meant more to him then we could imagine and how that one particular afternoon with my family was one of the best days he had ever had.

At work, he would stay until close (if he was working, that was 2 hours past his shift) just to make sure the women made it out to their cars and out of the parking lot safely. Even if he wasn't working, he came up and just sat with us and kept us safe. He was a guardian to us all. He was furious when he found out some kids had been bullying Kimbo. It tore him apart when I would tell him what some kids had said to her. Not sure I ever saw him that angry. He loved my kids. More than I know I am sure. We loved him. More than he will ever know. We lost a member of our family.....

I lost my dad 12 1/2 years ago..I know it takes time to heal. I know the pain doesn't ever go away but does get duller. I know there will be days, and moments that are more difficult than others. I know I will see him again. However, right now...I am heartbroken. I am hurting and sad. Every time I walk into the Y, I have to fight with everything I am to not burst into tears. Every night when I close, I long to hear his squeaking shoes walking behind me as I make my rounds through the building. I cannot come to grips that he will not be there with me ever again. I cannot accept that he will not be lifting Natalie into the air or swinging her around. I cannot imagine that he will not play Monopoly just one more time with Kimbo or walk in the door and immediately hand Garrison his Ipod so that he can play games. I cannot comprehend days and days going by without hearing him say "shaking my head" or "I will remember this when you need a kidney." I cannot and do not want to think of my family without him here with us, being a part of our lives.

I will miss him every single day. Yes, I know it will get "easier" but for now....it just sucks!

Morgan's Wonderland = Heaven on Earth

There is a miraculous place in San Antonio by the name of Morgan's Wonderland. We have an aunt who lives there in SA and told us about it. It is a "theme park" of sorts for children and adults with special needs. Words cannot even begin to describe how much this park means to our family.

We went for the first time last Thanksgiving and upon walking through the gates, I became emotional. It was just that great. Swing sets that Wheel Chairs can use, a carosal filled with beautiful animals (some go up and down, others don't) that also allow individuals in wheelchairs to ride. A building full of awesome activities including a mini grocery store. A train that travels all over the park. I could go on and on. As I sat back and watched not just my Autistic son, but also my typical daughters run through this park, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. This is a place where I can sit back on the benches and just watch my children play. I don't have to apologize for my son jumping up and down over and over while making his very loud noises. I don't have to apologize if walks up to some stranger and run his fingers through their hair. I don't have to apologize when my son stands too close to someone and invades their personal space. You know why?? Because everyone there not only gets it, they expect it! Some of the employees are special needs adults as well. Watch out when you go to the snack bar. Their sweet spirits can be overwhelming enough to entice you to buy more popcorn than you actually need. :) That is okay though because we are not talking theme park prices here. My family, who is struggling more than ever these days (who isn't in this economy) can actually afford this amazing place.

Not only is it wonderful for my son, my daughters love it so much. Going to Morgan's Wonderland with their Aunt Susie is their favorite part of their trip to San Antonio. They love the atmosphere. They love that they feel safe. They love being around these amazing people.

Upon walking inside, each person in your party is given a bracelet. You scan the bracelet at any of the stations that are located throughout the park and it will pop up a screen telling you where everyone in your party is located at that moment. You can even type in messages so when the next person scans in, it will notify them a message is waiting. Buddy and I had fun with that.

Weather you have an individual in your family with special needs or not, PLEASE go. Please support the wonderful place that is truly like a heaven on earth for my family!

www.morganswonderland.com

(Video is from last November)

When did I start to dread Christmas?

When I was growing up, I LIVED for Christmas. Christmas in my youth, teenage years and well for many of my adult years, has always been something I just couldn't wait for. It wasn't all about the presents either. I promise. It was about all of my siblings getting together and the fun things we would do. I am the youngest of 6 kids so many of my siblings had kids and I LOVED when they were all coming home to visit. We had our traditions that we did every year. The countless hours of Rook, the 8 hour Monopoly games, how we went to the movies every Christmas day, how we adopted other families...I could go on and on. Christmas was amazing!

Since my dad died in 1999, Christmas has not been the same. We have tried, and we have had some good Christmas' but my father's wonderful holiday spirit is missing. My dad was a HUGE part of making all of those memories.

My mom and Leroy have surprised me the past 2 Christmas' by showing up at my door. That has been incredible. I LOVED having them here and so did my children. That definitely helped create some very special memories for my whole family. I am so grateful for all of the memories that I have of every Christmas up to this point. I realize many children and adults alike don't have that opportunity.

This year just feels different. I am BEYOND stressed out about it. I am pretty much dreading it. Honestly, a lot of it has to do with money. I am not going to lie but I am not about to turn this blog into a "feel sorry for me" type of thing. Things do really stink money wise, that is true, but I don't want to dwell on that here.

I am just sad. Missing my family desperately. More than ever actually. Missing the card games, the laughs, the VERY late nights, the hours of wrapping, watching my mom put all of the presents under the tree in a VERY methodical way (no same paper could be next to each other), the trips to the movies, well...everything really.

I have thought so much about this, pretty much constantly, and the money situation has been on my mind 24/7. So I am going to do something different this year. Since we cannot adopt a family, I am going to implement a "24 days until Christmas countdown service style!" Instead of helping another family with material gifts, myself, and when possible, my family, is going to provide acts of service for a person or family for the first 24 days of December. Some acts will be small, some will be larger. I will keep a log of them all and then post at the end of December what we did and how it went. Hopefully this will get me back in the Christmas mood and relieve some of the stress. After all, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

1, 2 Buckle My Shoe

I bet you remember how old your child was when they first said mama, or dada, or I love you. I bet you remember how old your child was when they first learn to ride their bike without the training wheels. I bet you remember how old your child was when they first learned to button their shirt or tie their shoes. I also am willing to bet that the ages of 1,2,3,4,5 and maybe even 6 or 7 are coming up in your mind as you think back to all of those amazing firsts for your children. Mine does too...for 3 of my children. Not so much for my oldest son. Most of those things didn't happen until 4 years old or later.

Today, Garrison is exactly 12 years 9 months, and 12 days old. Today, he tied his shoes for the very first time. I cry as I even type it out. This will go down as one of the greatest days of my life. Garrison tied his shoes today!!!! Wow!!! So huge for us! Garrison will go up to a perfect stranger before he will tie his own shoes. It has been a goal of his on several IEP's and a goal of ours for a very long time. Years even. It has always been one of those things that "all of the other kids could do" that I worried my son never would be able to.

When Garrison was diagnosed with Autism, he was 4. The team of 11 physicians who sat before us very wisely said, "You will not have the same hopes and dreams for Garrison that you will have with your other children. Your hopes and dreams for him will be very simple to some but as he achieves those, the reward will be all the sweeter." They were right. For our daughters we see them going to college, getting married, having successful career's and just being great women through and through. We want them to always get good grades, learn to play an instrument, be on the dean's list, be good wives and good mothers, be good examples of Jesus Christ, treat others with kindness and respect, oh and keep their rooms clean. For Garrison, we hope that one day he will be able to have any job of any kind. We hope he will be able to go to the store and understand how to pay for something. We hope he will be able to understand that $10 is a lot more than $1. We hope he will be able to shower every day and remember to wash his hair without being reminded. We hope he will be able to use the bathroom without needing help. We hope that he will always have a sibling to take care of him after we are gone. You see, our hopes and dreams are dramatically different.

Of course we want Garrison to become all that he is capable of being. Of course we want to set goals for him that will challenge him and make him into a strong and independent young man. We have set those goals. And you know what?? He achieved one of those goals today!

Please note that he is not very happy about this new learned skill. In fact, very much the opposite. When I walked in the door tonight, I asked him about it and he argued with me for 10 minutes about how it "made him feel too boring" or "he is too tired to tie his shoes". He broke down crying while telling me "stop telling me I will tie my own shoes. That is not OK." I don't know why he isn't happy. He never is when he hits a milestone like that. He is angry at me that I wont tie them for him tomorrow. Even as I sit and type this, he is running back and forth behind me over and over and over all the while he has his headphones on and is making his repetitive noises that we are so familiar with. He is going extra fast tonight because he is upset. I have managed to mess up his whole night now. He may do this for hours just to get his over-stimulated self to calm down.

I however will remain on cloud nine for the next hours, if not days, because MY SON TIED HIS SHOES TODAY!!!!

My Love and My Trial

How can such a beautiful little girl be such a little stinker? How can someone who brings such joy to my life every single day also drive me absolultey crazy?? That is my Natalie..or Naddie, or bubbas, or bo-bo's. (Depending on our mood at the time)

I remember a post from about 3 1/2 years ago where I, and our doctors, were VERY concerned that my little girl was autistic. Reading that post back now, the emotions come flooding back. As parents, it was a very, very dark time for Buddy and I. We cried a lot, we hoped a lot, we lost a lot of sleep and we prayed every waking minute that it would not be so. For those who do not have an autistic child, it is difficult for you to understand what we had already been through.

Our son, Garrison, went from being a fairly normal child (he had a few quirks) to a child who could no longer talk, would throw HUGE temper tantrums and slam his head against our wooden front door. Watching your child disappear like that is beyond heart-wrenching. There are no words that will even come close to describing it. It makes you feel helpless and hopeless. The thought of having to go through that all over again with my beautiful baby girl was almost more than I could bare. *(This is the point in the story where I would like to place my disclaimer)*We love our son beyond words. However, watching your child "never grow up" mentally or be so severely challenged in every aspect of his/her life...well, I can't even describe how that feels. The thought of having to watch another child suffer like that, again , I cannot even describe it.



Well, now that time has passed, I can say that even though Natalie does have many quirks about her, some even very similar to her brothers, I firmly believe the choices we made (which will not be discussed on this blog) in our daughters behalf, helped us to keep her from falling into that world. Every choice we made was preceded by countless prayers and fasting. Instead of autism we have a very "special" girl.



Don't get me wrong. She is such a joy and I love her dearly but holy smokes! She is SO different than her siblings. I guess a lot of things may factor into that. She is the youngest, therefore she is crazy spoiled by every person in this household. She is also very stubborn. (I have no idea who she gets that from!) She tries and tries my patience. But boy when she is cute, she is SO cute! I tell people all of the time that God made her so beautiful because it compensates for her orneriness. I also say that she is my father's revenge for all of the diva attitude I gave him and my mom during my junior high and beginning of high school years. I can just see him up there laughing up a storm watching me with her.

She says some of the funniest things like "Mom, stop singing! You're hurting my feet" and "I'm not a stinker, I am a sweeter!" (she stole that last one from her brother who also says it all of the time.) She loves her pink sprite from Sonic (again, I wonder where she gets that) and asks me to "text grandma and tell her I want a lala loopsy doll for Christmas." She loves to bring her small Book of Mormon to church each Sunday and raises it up high and sings "Scripture Power" in primary. That cute little act however, is quickly followed by a complete meltdown that ends in the teachers having to come and pull us out of class because she is so out of control.


How will I ever survive her? Well, I look at how close I was to watching another child disappear into the abyss of Autism, then I thank my Heavenly Father for this beautiful, however ornery, girl.

A Boy's Love For His Dog

Garrison is extremely allergic to animals. All kinds of animals. Horses, cats, dogs, well you get the idea. For many, many years, he was also terrified of both cats and dogs. 2 years ago, about this time of year, I brought a dog home with me. I have wanted to get the kids a dog for SO long. Buddy and I both had dogs growing up but due to Garrison's allergies and his fear of dogs, we never pursued it.

Jaydog is a Maltipoo. He looks exactly like my dog I had growing up named Ruffles. I loved Ruffles so much and I cried and cried the day he died. Being a maltipoo, I knew that meant that Jay is hypoallergenic. Meaning, he doesn't shed and all that jazz, (all that jazz really means I have no idea why but he doesn't make my son sneeze) so that meant Garrison could be around him. I brought him home and Garrison wouldn't come out of our bedroom for 30 minutes. He was terrified. He finally came out and the rest is history. He LOVES Jaydog. Too bad Jaydog doesn't particularly love Garrison too much. Garrison is a little overwhelming for Jay. He likes to lay right by him, okay on him, and he also likes to close his bedroom door so Jay can't leave. Garrison of course has no idea that Jay doesn't favor him, Garrison just keeps on loving him.

The other day, Garrison lost a tooth. The tooth fairy gave him a dollar. (cheap tooth fairy around here). Garrison doesn't understand money at all. He only knows that he can put quarters into the claw game at walmart and he gets to move the giant claw around a few times. He doesn't even care if he wins, he just likes to watch the claw move. Anyhow, that is what he usually gets from the tooth fairy, is quarters. This particular night, the tooth fairy only had a dollar bill so that is what he got. Well the next day, we were all in the family room watching tv together when Garrison said "Jaydog sure is hairy. His hair is getting grower." (inerpretation: Jaydog's hair is too long) He continues "Jaydog needs a hair cut." I said "Yes son, I know but that costs money and mommy doesn't have any. Do you have any?" He says "The tooth fairy gave me a dollar." He proceeds to walk over, grab his dollar and brings it back to me. As he puts it in my hand, I said "what is this for?" He answers "Money to go cut Jay's hair!"

Precious I tell you! My boy is precious. He loves this dog so much! He knows Jaydog needs a haircut so he was willing to pay for it with his dollar. These are the moments I treasure with my son.

When people find out I have a son who is autistic, they tend to say "I'm sorry." I typically reply with "I'm not!" Yes autism has made all of our lives so much more difficult and has brought us tears, agony, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, guilt, wonderment, and fear. But it has also allowed us to watch a 12 year old boy still believe in a tooth fairy, and think that a dollar can pay for his dog to get a hair cut. It has allowed our son to maintain his innocence. Sometimes that is a bad thing, but a lot of times, it is a good thing.

I dread the day that we lose our sweet Jaydog. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that will bring to our family but mostly to our son. However, it is something wonderful to watch...the love this boy has for his dog.

Just one of those days.

So it has been just one of those days. A day that I was looking forward to for several reasons. 1) Buddy got the opportunity to go the the Nationwide race to see Elliott Sadler race. 2) I got to go watch Rachel play in a double header. I LOVE watching my girls play softball. LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! 3) Kimbo was having her science birthday party. I love watching my kids have fun for their birthdays. 4) It was the Alabama/LSU football game. If you know anything about me, you know I LOVE Alabama football more than anything! I love it more than I ever thought possible. So that was my day that I was looking forward to. It was going to be a GREAT Saturday!!! Then......

Buddy Got on TV. Look in the background. He is the hottie in the black jacket! :)

The Race: Nothing bad to say about that except for I couldn't go. But I really was okay with that. An awesome friend gave us tickets for free and then another awesome friend got him into the pits with their passes so he was able to meet Elliott and get his autograph. It just meant a lot to me to be able to surprise Buddy with these tickets because he so deserves it. He does so much for me every day! He got to take a very good friend of ours with him so it worked out just fine. Plus he was able to meet Elliott and get his autograph and He got on t.v. Even though he didn't know it until later! :)




The Ballgame: This was going ok until...I look over to check on the kids and I see Garrison with his hand on a boy's shoulder. The boy appears to be about 10. Then the boy pushed Garrison kind of hard. Then he pushed him really hard. Then the *&^$#@ kid punched my son in the chest. HARD. I saw the entire thing! I jumped up, said a bad word, and hauled booty over there. The 10 year old took off. Garrison was holding his chest and bawling! I told another boy who was standing there "Why did he hit him?? He is autistic! He doesn't understand whatever it was you were doing!" That boy looked terrified of me! I get Garrison away from there and bring him over to the bleachers where we were all sitting. I start crying and telling everyone what happened. Everyone at once starts getting upset and telling me I need to go find a parent. I knew that I did but I knew I had to cool down first. I was so upset that at that point it would not have been a good situation. I am not very good at biting my tongue. So 2 moms said "We are going to find the parents of this little punk." So I go with them knowing they will be my support. They found the boy and were bringing him over to Garrison to make him apologize when the dad showed up. I walked up to the boy and very calmly (I was so shocked at how calm the words were coming out of my mouth) asked this boy why he had hit my son. They boy said Garrison was chasing him and he asked him several times to stop. Garrison wouldn't stop so he decided to punch him. He said "I am so sorry. I just didn't understand why he wouldn't stop and I didn't know what else to do." So I explain to the boy "My son has something called Autism. He is 12 years old but his brain is just like a 4 year old child. He doesn't understand things sometimes." The boy said he was so sorry a couple of times. I turned to Garrison and told him that he needed to apologize as well. I told Garrison that he cannot chase people who tell him no. Not everyone likes it. The dad was awesome and very kind with it all. The kid felt bad but I was still very angry and quite frankly so sad.

P.S. Rachel won both of her games! :)

The Party: Kimbo wanted a science party. So we decided to make Ooblek. It is basically corn startch and water. it is a solid while it is sitting there but when you touch it, it turns into a liquid. But we decided to add food coloring to make it fun. Well the kids started putting their hand in it and playing with it. They got very very messy but it was fun. Well, as we started to clean up, I realized the food coloring wasn't coming off of their hands. I panicked. You have no idea how bad it is. Their hands look awful. It is not just a few fingers...it is their ENTIRE hand!!! My awesome friend Danielle stayed here to help out with the party and we both scrubbed their hands with every recipe we could find online but nothing worked. So hopefully, no parents will kill me in the morning when they come and get their kiddo's. Pray for me.




The Game: No words...we lost to the team I hate the very most. In overtime! It was heartbreaking. I hate LSU more than Auburn even. I literally am sick to my stomach. It just aches. I should have known when this day started out crappy, they were going to lose. But no matter what, I never lose faith in the Crimson Tide. I will love them forever no matter what but I really wanted/needed them to win tonight. Oh well. It is what it is. Roll Tide baby!

Tomorrow is another day. I hope it is better. The whole thing with Garrison still bothers me a lot. I keep seeing him get hit over and over in my mind. Not a good moment. It is just another reminder of how different my son is and yet how impossible it is for me to protect him. Heartbreaking on so many levels. You have no idea. Sad mama today.:(