First things first...go and get a box of tissues. I am not going to guarantee that you will need them, but if you read this post with as much passion and compassion that I have while writing it; you will need them!
Now I owe all of you an apology...I am so sorry about my hiatus. I have gone through many, many things since I ran my half marathon. I will share some of those with you tonight..oh wait..clock check..3:00 am...I will share some of those things with you this very early morning, and as I have done in the past, some I will hold close to me. This blog means so much to me. I love how it has helped others and my goal, is for this to reach as many people as possible. Because maybe, just maybe, the hell that I and my children have lived through can help to touch or even change, a life.
I have said this before and I will say it many many more times but I really do try and stay positive for each of you. Tonight (this morning) however, I am taking my mask off, setting it to the side, and letting each of you see the rawness that is me..Heather Hopkins. This is no easy task. I risk much in doing this. Judgement is first and foremost. I've received A LOT of that over the past year. Losing your respect is another. And perhaps, by the time you read the last line, you may just realize I am not as strong perhaps as you may have perceived me to be when you read the first line. So, without further ado, yet much hesitation, I bring you "Heather Uncensored!"
I am mad. I am so angry and hurt and mad, I feel like I want to punch something, or even someone. I feel like I may lose my mind. I hear people tell me that God has a plan for me and my children. I hear them say "Just give it to God." I hear them say, "You are so strong!" I hear them say "Buddy and God both want you to be happy." My response to each of these is "I know. It's just hard!" At least that is what comes out of my mouth. What my mind says? "You don't have a clue! If God wanted me happy, my husband would still be here! God took something! My husband! So no! I'm not giving him anything! And no! I'm not strong! I am merely putting on an act to fool each of you, and my children, into thinking I can handle this life that was thrown at me!" Sometimes, while in the shower, I crumble. I fall to the floor and just cry, scream, and yell. I yell at God and I plead with Buddy to please come back. I ask "Why?" over and over and over again. I swear at God. I've said very un-Christian-like things to Him. I'm so numb that I don't care anymore. I hurt so bad that I just give up sometimes, even for 2 minutes. Then, I stand up, turn the water off and go about my day.
As I see people, or talk on the phone, I force my smile. I laugh sometimes at how people comment on how happy my smile is. I want to cry because a part of me wants people to remember that behind that smile is a very sad and broken woman. People tend to think that once a widow, or widower get through the first year, they are miraculously healed. Even more so if you happen to meet someone during that first year. It's like everyone holds their breath until one of those two things happen. I could almost hear the collective sighs of relief when I posted I had a boyfriend. Let me be the first to tell ya'll...I wish it were that simple. Instead, it almost makes the pain worse. Because now, you are dealing with guilt and fear. I don't want to hear that Buddy would want me to "move on" because I could never "move on" from the love of my life. I will find someone to spend the rest of my life here on this earth with but I will never "move on." Because of the overwhelming guilt that encompasses me, I no longer have a boyfriend. I stepped back to figure myself out as I am this entirely new person who I don't even know. I look in the mirror and see a stranger staring back at me. Her eyes look so sad. They look tired and worn out. Her shoulders sag as they carry the weight of the world on them. Her mouth seems to turn down more than it used to, a product of the hours and hours and hours she has spent crying. She looks so much older and so broken. I see that girl and then realize that is indeed me. And I hurt...
I AM MAD! I am mad this is my life. I am mad that Buddy was ripped from our lives. I am mad that I had to come into my home and tell my beautiful children that their daddy was dead. That someone ran him over and left him on the sided of the road. I am mad as hell that as I laid in my warm bed sound asleep, the absolute love of my life was laying on the side of the road; for hours. I am mad that when I got the news, I didn't run to the scene and lay next to him so his body wasn't alone. I am mad that he didn't decide to sleep in instead of running on June 21. I am mad that I have 4 amazing children who cry every day because they hurt so much.
I am mad that people compare their losses to ours. I am mad that I am going to get remarried one day. I don't want to find someone else. I don't want to have to go through all of those awkward "getting to know you" stages. I worked my ass of for 16 years and had such an amazing marriage. I am mad that was ripped away from me. I am mad that people are awkward around me and "Don't know what to say" so they just ignore me. I am mad that many have just forgotten about us. I am mad that people don't speak to me anymore because they don't agree with some of my decisions. I am mad that this is my life. Don't tell me I agreed to this. Please don't tell me that. Why would I agree to have something so horrific happen to not just me, but to so many that I love so much. I am mad that people think this will not hurt me to the core the rest of my life. I am mad that people have taken advantage of me and my situation in the past year. I am so mad. I am mad that I don't get to be in his arms again on this earth. I am mad that I don't get to hear his beautiful voice singing in church. I am mad that he is not here to rock me in the recliner that my dad gave us. I am mad that he is not here to hold me in bed and love me.
I am mad that Buddy is dead. I am so mad. But mostly, readers, I am sad. I am so sad that he is not here to text me "come to bed and let's get it on!" (I swear he used to text me from the other room all of the time. :) )
I miss him every single moment of every single day. Every single aspect of my life changed on June 21, 2012. Not just a few things...EVERYTHING.
Here is what I know....
That saying "You really find out who your friends are" is 100% true. If you talk to other widows (and widowers) you hear them say that the second year is worse than the first..also very true. The first year, you are in a fog. You are constantly focused on trying to keep going and "not giving up" and trying to figure out "what the hell just happened." By the time the first year mark comes around, it has finally sunk in and you realize "this is really my life now." And that hurts far worse than you can imagine. Amongst it all, I do know I have been blessed. There is no denying that. I am blessed with family and friends who love me. Most have been very very good about not judging me but instead, applauding my good days, holding me or calling me through my bad, loving me through my mistakes, and being there to pick me up each time I have fallen. I've never done this before. There is an awful lot of material to read and that has helped. But, everyone is different and we each mourn different. Nobody else was married to Buddy. Nobody else shared our bond and connection. Nobody knew us, or knows us the way we knew and loved each other. Therefore, nobody knows how I feel. I know that prayers help. I will admit I don't pray as much as I should, and when I do, it is for my kids or those that I love who I know are hurting so much. So when I ask you to pray for me, please do. I have felt the power of prayer carry myself and my children through some very dark hours. I know that Buddy is near when we need him. As I have laid in bed and held our crying children, as they cried out for their dad to come back, I have felt his arms embrace us. I have felt him hold me as I have begged for help going to sleep. He has accompanied me on runs more than once. He has sat next to me as I have typed blogs.
Please don't judge me or leave this post disappointed in me. Please don't look at me as weak. Please just have patience and understanding. And PLEASE pray for me.
I know that I will be ok. But in the meantime, I just need to be mad..and very very sad. I miss him and that's ok. I got this...I guess.
11 comments:
We love you, Heather, and your sweet family!
Hey Girl, I came upon your post on FB and read your blog entry. I had been meaning to write to you and your entry seemed appropriate for me to type this to you. So here goes...
I'm sorry. I am so immensely sorry. I'm sorry that anyone has made you feel judged. I'm sorry that you and the kids are going through this. I'm sorry for all of the times people would say stuff that may or may not have been true. I'm sorry that your heart aches with more pains than most people could bear. I'm also sorry that I'm one of those people who doesn't check on you. I suck, please forgive.
I am also angry. I'm angry that I selfishly want the Pre-Buddy's accident Heather back. That the woman I knew at the Y is no longer there. The way she could get my baby girl to smile by bouncing and singing to her in childwatch. The real person who lay her heart open to everyone. The 2nd mother to Victor. The one person who knew about and asked about Russ after his mom died. I looked forward to working with you and still cry whenever I think about the night before Buddy died. That that was the last night we worked together and we shared supper together. That Heather meant the world to me. I'm unfamiliar with the Heather that I know now. I don't know how to talk to her or help her. I'm like a lot of people who give almost anything to have the genuinely happy Heather back. It's painful to know that you have to put on a smile when you'd rather scream.
I'm angry that God allowed this tragic event to happen to her like it was nothing but we both know that isn't true. I too have cussed at God for the unfair things that have happened to us. Yes I know it's not the same but hear me out. I have refused to sing his praises because I felt that His ears would see it as compliance rather than worship. Or that I just couldn't because the words couldn't spill out of my mouth any faster then the tears came from my eyes. I also recognized that HE knew that I am human. It is totally okay to be pissed at God and to tell him so. We shouldn't place a limit on what he can handle from us. He is much bigger than my anger and is gracious enough to allow me time to mourn how I need to and if that meant cussing and refusing to worship then so be it.
I'm angry that your kids will have an impression of their father that is both beautiful and heart-wrenching. Russell still remembers the day his mom told him that his dad has died and he was four at the time. He also has many fond memories of his dad from that tender age too.
You will never lose the pain of loss. Never. It will happen in waves. Sometimes you'll see something or someone and it will wash over you like a tsunami. Other times it will be a gentle nudge that bumps to remind you its there. You do move on but you will never get over. It becomes a permanent fixture that defines who you are, what you do, who you see or not see, who you spend time and who you let go of. And that is okay. It's your life. You can do this even if it means that you'll have to rely on someone else to get you through it. You are strong for your kids but you're also weak and need reliance on God to get through the day. And that is okay. You'll be okay one day. Never whole but surviving.
Please know that even when you don't hear from people it doesn't mean that you are not thought of or prayed for. For me I can have a moment at the Y and I pray. Or I could be at Sonic and I pray. Or I can think of Victor and I pray. I prayed immensely hard on the 21st. I knew it would have an impact that none of us would feel but would weigh heavy for you and your family. I will always pray on the 21st. I don't think I will ever forget.
Love Always,
Landy
Beautiful post. Inspiring love story. I'm sending prayers and hugs to you. With love, Rebecca (my husband, Alan, is a friend of Buddy's)
I love and believe this quote from Martha Beck quoted in the May 1992 ensign: Heavenly Father does not want us to minimize our reactions to life. He asks that we accept what he gives and then take to him our feelings and the truth about our lives, whatever it is. If we can go to him with absolute openness and say, "this is what is happening to me right now, and this is what I feel," then he can use that openness as a conduit to teach us how to heal and how to forgive and repent and how to love.
I think it's one of the best and most powerful quotes ever. I applaud your honesty with God and with others. I can see that you are doing what you can do and that is ENOUGH! I wish I could offer meaningful help.
Thanks for your post. I am not even going to pretend that I know what you feel. But I do appreciate your thoughts, even though its in a selfish way.
My trials are very different from yours. And without comparing, its nice to know I am not the only one who crumbles in the shower (because thats the only place I am alone and my kids wont hear), and then gets up and pretends that I am OK. What other choice do I have?
Its nice to know I am not the only one who struggles between feeling anger, fear, frustration, and doubt. While at the same time knowing that I am blessed and the Lord is with me, even though I dont understand all of this.
I am sorry for your pain, I am sorry for your loneliness. It is hard when things that are out of my control cause me so much pain, but I have to be strong for my kids.
I dont imagine you are looking for answers from this post. Its so hard when the life we expected and envisioned is ripped from us. But I want to thank you. In your own way, you helped validate my raw feelings.
I dont even know what "strong" means sometimes. How am I strong when I just want to give up?
Anyway, thank you. I dont know exactly why or how but your feelings touch my heart in a way that helps me feel a little less lonely.
I never was a fan of sugar coating things in life and I can appreciate the fact that your being honest with yourself about your feelings. Besides a couple of quick meetings I have been able to follow your story and interact with you through Facebook and your strength is inspiring. I hope my random posts of sunsets and silly stuff makes you smile on occasion as your tagged me sign pic on vacation did me. The family horseback riding/ 4 wheelers coupons are also still valid by the way!!... :)
Well, Heather, I know that losing a brother is not the same as losing a husband, but when Stephen died it was a crazy thing. I think my mom still expects him to come down the stairs just about every morning, but that isn't happening. We have to go on.
We have to believe that the Lord has a plan for us, otherwise, we will go mad. One of the sayings that I am particularly fond of is from Nietzsche ( I know, kind of a strange place to transition to from talking about religion...) "That which does not kill us makes us stronger." We are here to gain experiences. We are here to make choices. This life is a testing ground. That means there will be trials. The good part is that it is finite. We are only here for a short time. The problem is that we have no memory of before, so this seems like all there is.
Not meaning to preach at you, just trying to give you an older cousin's perspective on things. One thing I try to do when I really get depressed is that I compare my life to Stephen's. I have gotten married, have a family and children, and have been blessed in many ways. You know what kind of life my brother had. In and out of institutions, never having a chance to really do much in the way of what most of us think of as living, and finally dying at age 45. The really depressing part is that in many ways, his death was a blessing. He had no chance, no hope, and no prospects other than years of steadily worsening health and mental condition.
Thinking about him, it is hard for me to feel too sorry for myself about whatever problems I am having.
In any case, we all love you and you are in our prayers.
David
Heather, I understand 100% what you are saying. I will never know what YOU are going through. And like you said we all grieve and mourn differently no matter what we have all been through. I lost my husband at the same age as you. I am 3 years out. I miss him EVERYDAY, EVERY HOUR. I hate that he is gone. I remarried almost 3 years later and feel the guilt daily still too from it. And I love my husband that I am married to now. But the guilt that I "moved on" is there. I may have moved on but I am NEVER over him or having him leave me.
I am glad that you are mad at God. To me it is way better to be mad then to not believe. I love you Heather. Like I said I may have gone through losing my husband way to young too, but I will never know your situation and how you feel. I can only understand and sympathize and pray for you. And hope people still do the same for me. Thank you for your honesty.
Heather, my thoughts and prayers are often with you. Anger is most certainly a crucial part of the grieving/healing process. I am simply astounded that anyone would judge you for being authentic in talking about your overwhelming grief and loss. Shame on them for allowing their discomfort with raw emotion to spill over onto you, when you have so many changes to cope with in your life! This post is the kind of thing I would ask a client in my therapy office to write to help move them through the grieving process! You go, girl! Say what you need to say, feel what you need to feel, be where you need to be. There is no time limit for grieving. Unfortunately some people will not have the gumption to be there for you through all of the ups and downs! I haven't seen you in maybe 15 years, but for whatever it's worth, I am one of your (usually) silent supporters.
Sincerely,
Noelle
Heather I understand your frustration and anger. I as well am angry. I am a 29 year old widow myself. I lost my husband September 25, 2012. The pain is so real. As strong as my faith was/is in God I still get very upset. I'm trying my best to move forward but there are times that I have felt that I was at my breaking point. September will be a challenging month so I pray for strength everyday. My late husband would have turned 33 on 9/11. I am going to turn 30 on 9/15. Our 4th year wedding anniversary would have been on 9/12. And the date of his passing is on 9/25. I am leaving to go to Peru on 9/29 for my first medical mission trip.
You are right that people may not understand how you feel. I also get the "you are strong.You got this." What they fail to realize is that I am as weak as it comes and that I don't have it all figured out. Though I smile I am still dad. Though I laugh I am still sorrowful. However, I am blessed to have such amazing support from my family, church family, and some friends. Each day is a new day.... but one thing I rely on is.. Jeremiah 29:11. God knows the plans he has for us. ... to give us hope and a future.
I'm praying for you and your beautiful children Heather. One day at a time.
Take care.
In Christ,
Nicole M.
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