Angels Among Us

I am certain that when Buddy was killed, it was so hard for him to leave us. In my head I picture him begging to come back.  I picture his face, tears streaming down his cheeks as he watched us getting the news. I see him with his arms around us as my children and I embraced in a family hug as we screamed and sobbed at the horrific news. I envision him saying "it's too much. I can't watch them suffer a minute longer." I cannot fathom how horrific that was for him. I truly believe he hurt as we did, perhaps even more.

With that, I also see the ever determined Buddy that I was so in love with. I see him talking out loud to nobody in particular, that he would not ever leave us alone. That he would send people to be his hands on this earth. He knew he couldn't be here non stop so he decided then and there, that he would reach out to people who would in turn reach out to us. 

He has sent me family, friends, (both old friends and new friends) and complete strangers to remind our children and myself that he is not far. He has sent them in all forms. A phone call just when I needed it, a bouquet of flowers, a note, a hug, a gift, or even just a song on the radio. The list is endless.

 

Being a widow, especially after 15 yeas of marriage, is the most alone feeling I can comprehend. I am not naive enough to believe that I am the only human who has ever felt alone. That would not only be silly, but it would be selfish. I know others feel alone but, I am not others. I am only me and I only know what I feel. I feel alone. However, I am well aware that he is constantly sending me reminders that he is near  and loves me. Those reminders will go on forever. I know that. As I get stronger and eventually meet someone else, they will come fewer and farther between but they will never end. Why? Because my love for him will never end. 

So for now, I will embrace the angels that he sends me daily. I will embrace the gifts they each give me. Some tangible, and others not but I savor them all the same.

To my Angels: Thank you. Thank you for listening to his promptings. Thank you for acting on "whims" even when you had no idea why you should.  Thank you for just showing up at my door, even after I say no.  Thank you for loving me, when I have given you no reason to do so. Please don't stop listening..I need it. No matter what I may say or do, I need it.

To my Children: To say you are my whole world, doesn't come close to even explaining what you mean to me. I promised you that fateful day, and I promise you yet again, I will make your life happy. I will see to it that we stay strong and I will never stop saying "we got this!" It has become our motto since the beginning. I promise to always love you and be here for you. I hope you will always love me in return. I am honored to be your mom. I do not deserves such special spirits but I am so grateful that it is I who gets to raise you. I don't know why, on June 21, God took daddy and not me but I am the one left here to raise you as if your amazing dad were physically here. I will never give up.There will be days when I cry, a lot, but know the tears only mean that I loved him so. I mourn only because I loved him beyond words. I will remain strong for not only you, but for your dad and for myself. I truly love you with ALL that I am.

To Buddy: As I sit and reflect on the last 8 months without you physically by my side, I want you to know one thing...I love you. I will always love you. I have no regrets. We never doubted our love for each other. I know that morning when you left me, you knew without a doubt that I loved you. And I, in turn, knew you loved me.  Thank you for being the amazing man that you were. Thank you for blessing my life.  Thank you for giving me strength when I had none.  Thank you for helping me to move forward with my life and helping me to make the decisions that I am faced with every day. I strive every day to make you proud of me. I vow to do just that. Sometimes the pain of not having you here to wrap me in your arms is so intense, I cannot breathe. But, thank you for sending me arms to embrace me in your absence. You know, even now, what I need, and when I need it. Thank you for cheering me on from heaven. I feel it babe. I truly do. I know there will be many tears left to shed and many hours of sleep lost, but I know that we are a team and that you are helping me. Thank you! I love you with every single ounce of my heart and soul. 

Not Just Any Birthday

Today is Garrison's 14th birthday. I cannot believe it. I know parents say that every single year about every child they have but this birthday is so much different. For obvious reasons really and yet, I cannot seem to explain exactly how I am feeling.  On one hand, it is a day to celebrate such an amazing young man. It has been such an honor to be his mother for the past 14 years. Watching him struggle through life with his Autism yet knowing it made him so precious and innocent. It has not been an easy road, but a road that I am proud to have traveled as his mom.

On the other hand, it is yet another first. Probably the most difficult birthday we've had. Most dad's have a very special relationship with their sons but Buddy and Garrison had a very unique and amazing relationship.  The weekend before the accident, Buddy had taken 2 days off to take Garrison camping up at scout camp. It was over Father's Day weekend. He LOVED camping with his boy. Garrison had a huge meltdown while there all because the tents they were sleeping in were canvas and didn't have zippers on them. Buddy almost had to bring him home but he didn't.  He called me and let Garrison cry to me but Garrison slept snuggled up to his dad and they stayed both nights. How incredibly grateful I am that Garrison has that one last memory with dad. I am also grateful for Buddy's extreme patience and love with and for his son.

2 months before the accident, Garrison competed in the Special Olympics track meet.  Buddy was not able to be there for the first event, the softball toss, as he was coaching Rachel's softball team.  Garrison came in 4th and was devastated. Now, these melt downs that Garrison has at things like this, you can't understand them until you are there.  Your heart will break! I promise you that. His innocence is overwhelming and painful at times. He wouldn't even go on the stand and was screaming like crazy.  I called Buddy right away. I was crying at this point and told Buddy that he just had to be there for the race that Garrison was going to be in. He assured me he wouldn't miss it. So, as soon as Rachel's game was over, they rushed over to the race and made it.  Buddy and I stood in the stands screaming and yelling for our boy who ran as fast as he could and we both had tears streaming down our faces when we saw him take first place! As Garrison was walking to the the medal stand, he looked over at Buddy and said "Dad! Say "That's my boy!" " Buddy could barely say it because he was so emotional. Buddy was so incredibly proud of his son.

When we found out I was pregnant with Natalie, our youngest, we were so excited. We just knew it was going to be a boy. We wanted another boy so badly. Especially me. I wanted to give Buddy the son that he could play baseball with and go to sporting events with. I wanted to give him the son that would carry on his last name. When I went to the doctor and found out we were having a girl, Buddy was out of town. I cried and cried before calling him. He was, however, thrilled to hear it was a girl. He did joke that we would now be broke forever with 3 daughters.  Between "weddings, college and bad driving," we would never have money.  He loved his girls though.  One afternoon, he came home to find me sitting in Rachel and Kimbo's room just crying. He sat by me and asked me what was wrong. I explained to him that I felt awful that I couldn't give him the son he always wanted.  He quickly told me to stop. He said "you gave me the most perfect son in the whole world. I don't want Garrison any other way than the way he is!" He was always proud of our son. We both were and continue to be.

So today, as we celebrate Garrison's 14 years with our family, I find myself a little, okay a lot, sad that Buddy isn't here in person to be a part of this special day.  The firsts of everything are hard after you lose someone..your children's birthdays are extremely difficult.  Just when you feel like you have taken 2 steps forward, a day like today comes along and you take 1 back.

I will be honest. I have never looked at Garrisons autism as a burden.  It is who he is and I wouldn't change anything about him.  Sure I wish his life were easier and things weren't so hard on him but in many ways, it is a blessing. However, since Buddy's death, I have been so angry that God would take Buddy away so that I now have to handle the overwhelming stresses that come with raising a child with severe special needs, all alone. Now before you comment that I am not alone, please don't.  I know that there is a God who is there and I know Buddy is helping me from where he is but you have no idea. I am physically alone. All the decisions are mine.. they may be right and they may be wrong but they are ultimately up to me. I no longer have him physically here to help me in all that this kind of life requires. That is OK  I guess. I am strong and very independent but I want Buddy physically here for them. For this sweet boy to have his dad here.

I have said it so much and I will say it many more times. Watching the hurt I have had to watch my kids endure has been torture. However, it has also made me stronger and given me a much stronger desire to try all the harder, to fight and to accomplish great things.  Garrison will be no exception. I will make his life wonderful and happy.

Happy Birthday to my amazing son. Thank you for allowing me to be your mom. I will make you proud and I promise you happiness. I love you with all that I am!