The Miracle of Forgiveness

I hear people say "If that happened to me, I would ______" (you fill in the blank).  I'm guilty of saying the same thing many times throughout my life. Each of us always think we know exactly what we would do if we were in someone else's shoes.  The only problem with saying that is, you never know what you will do until you are smack dab in the middle of it. For example, if someone had told me on June 20, 2012, that Buddy would die the next day, and not only would he die, but he would be killed. And not only would he be killed, he would be run over by a truck and just left there on the side of the road like some animal.  If someone would have told me all of that 24 hours before his death, I would have said this "I will hunt the driver down myself and kill him with my bare hands.  He wont deserve jail. He doesn't deserve to live when my husbands dead."  That is what I would have said on Wednesday, June 20, 2012.  But on the morning of Thursday, June 21, 2012, that's not what I said or felt. 

When I read the words on Facebook saying that a runner had been hit, and if you were missing a member of your family, to call 9-1-1 immediately.  When I read that, in that moment, I knew.  I don't know how I knew, but I knew it was my husband.  I ran to the front door and looked out the peephole and saw his work car still out front, I couldn't believe it.  I knew our world was shattered forever.  I kept saying to myself, "He's just unconscious.  That's why he cant tell them who he is. That has to be it."  But to be honest, I knew! I knew the love of my life was dead. Now what I will say next, you may believe and you may not. But I have never lied to my readers and I never will.  I've always been very open and honest and that will never change.  What happened that Summer morning should never have happened.  The driver, Terry Knight, made a huge mistake.  What he did was wrong.  His actions not only changed our families lives, but he left us with so many unanswered questions and very broken hearts. The part you may not believe...I've never been mad at Terry Knight. 

Well wait. I take that back.  A week after Buddy died, I was in Flagstaff, getting ready to bury my husband.  My cell phone rang. It was the Sheriffs office.  They told me Terry had killed himself.  I started sobbing. I remember telling the Sheriff, "I just wish I could have talked to him. I wish I could have told him we were going to be okay."  I was mad at Terry in that moment.  With his death, Terry not only took his life, but he also took the how and the why's with him. I knew in that moment, I would never have the answers that would help to provide closure for me personally.  I wanted to know what he was doing that caused him to hit my husband.  I want to know why he ran.  Why didn't he stop and try to help him?  Those are questions I so desperately want answered, that now never will be.  That did make me mad. 

Many people have said to me "I could never do that.  I could never hit someone and just leave them there."  I agree with you. I don't think I could either. But, it goes back to you never know what you will do until you're in that position.  When I say that, please understand, I'm in no way excusing Mr.  Knights actions.  What he did was wrong, so incredibly wrong.  His actions destroyed a lot of lives that day, but be very careful when you say "I would never."

Without going through every detail into what happened that morning, I will share with you how the forgiveness happened.  It was a very personal and spiritual experience and as you read this, I hope you will do so with reverence and understanding.  Due to the spirituality of it, until now, I have not shared it with many but I do feel now is the right time to share it with each of you. Three officials came to deliver the news to me.  A sheriff, the coroner, and the Sheriff's office clergyman.  They asked me a few questions about Buddy's body that would help them to know without a doubt that it was him.  When I confirmed it by telling them he had scars running up the side of each foot and all the way up to his mid claves, they gave me the official news that Buddy had been hit and killed by a hit and run driver.  My next door neighbor and dear friend Justin had already told me as he had gone to the scene of the accident and already spoke to them. However, looking at these 3 men, it all became so real.  I believe my first question was "Did he suffer?"  I was assured it was instant and he never even saw it coming.  As I stood there, listeneing to these men tell me how they believed everything happened, something miraculous happened. I asked them "What are the chances of us finding the person who did this?"  They replied "with the evidence we already have? About 90% chance." And then it happened....

As I stood on my front porch, a feeling overcame me. It started in my toes and traveled through my body , finally leaving through the top of my head. I physically felt it travel throughout my entire body.  It was incredible. For a brief moment it scared me as I didn't know what was happening, but then a peaceful feeling overcame me, a feeling of peace I've never felt before.  This thing traveling through my body? It was all the hate and anger for the driver.  It was being taken from me. It was God and I also know it was Buddy as well. They were taking that from me.  Why? Because they knew it would eventually destroy me.  Right there, on my door step, I forgave Terry Knight.  It was the most beautiful and spiritual experience of my life.  I did not know this then, but it has since been made clear to me.  My loving Heavenly Father knows the grieving process.  He knows it entails of being angry.  That is part of getting through the hurt and ultimately healing your very broken heart.  As I previously stated, He knew that my anger, if directed towards Terry, would destroy me, so He took that from me and instead, allowed me to direct my anger towards Him. I've spoken of this anger before and even lost two "friends" over that particular blog post.  But, I promise, each of you, it was all part of Gods plan.  He knew my anger towards Him would not last forever. He knew I would see the light and recognize my blessings and all He does for me every day. He knew that one day, I would remember and feel the power of His love.  He knew He could handle anything I may say to Him.  He knew I would get through  that stage. He knew, because He would help me.  He would send angels to hold me while I lay there and curse Him.  He knew how I was strong enough to get through that because He, Himself, made me strong enough.  He believed in me. He always has and He always will. 

Here is what I know......

My forgiveness of Terry Knight did not come from me. I am not some remarkable person who forgave this man out of the goodness of my heart. God took that from me.  Becasue of the love that my Heavenly Father and Buddy have for me, they together, took it form me.  I felt both of them so strong that morning and in that very moment.  It was very clear to me that Buddy had too forgiven Terry. He gave me immediate confirmation that he loved me.  That he missed the kids and I so much but that he was ok.  That was the first of many times I would feel that, including right this moment as I'm writing this.. I know Terry Knight has a lot to answer for.  I know many of you who knew and loved Buddy, do not forgive him for taking Buddy's life and that's ok.  That is a very individual thing.  I have been told by many that he is a coward for killing himself.  Again, you're entitled to feel that.  For me, I know the Lord will deal with Mr. Knight in His way.  Justice will be served by God himself.  The one and only true judge.

Terry left behind a wonderful, loving, caring and kind mother who struggles every day.  He left a wonderful step dad and step siblings all who loved him very much.  They are just as innocent as the kids and I.  So when you pray for us, pray for them.  Forgiveness is a beautiful and yet difficult thing. I'm so blessed to have had such an incredible experience.  I hate that this is the life my children and I now have but I fully recognize the miracles that have occurred.  This story I just shared with you being the biggest miracle of all. Because I have a loving husband who is now in heaven and a loving God..I got this!!!

A Moment of Silence

I love my blog. I love that so many readers have sent me emails and comments and messages at how my blog has helped them.  How reading about my journey through these last 18 months has somehow impacted them and their lives.  I am honored that you, my readers, come and check in and take a few short minutes to sit and cry with me, laugh with me, and hurt with me.  I am often asked if I keep a journal.  I don't  This blog is my journal.  So, to my readers,  who have been so encouraging and supportive of me, I apologize for my hiatus from blogging. I can only tell you that the last few months have had several ups and downs and to be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  But, here I am, ready to give it a shot.

I have a huge fear of letting others see me weak.  It's a very real fear to me.  I constantly hear 'You don't have to always be strong"  But the truth, as I see it, is that I do.  When you are constantly told how strong you are, how you inspire others, how your strength is the reason your children are doing so well, that tells me, I cannot show my weaknesses.  I do not for one minute believe that any of you, or my children, think that I am strong and smiling 100% of the time.  My kids have seen me cry or yell one too many times to be fooled but still. I hesitate to write because I fear y'all may think I am a phony after all.

Since Buddy was killed, I have had many failures, many successes, many tears and many smiles.  I have put myself through hours of guilt for each of those things.  I have loved again, and lost again. I have had my heart broken and been rejected. I have questioned every single thing about my faith, my church, my God, and myself.  I have gained new friends and lost friends but mostly, I have lost myself.  When I look in the mirror, I often do it with tears in my eyes. I talk to myself. Sometimes its a pep talk and other times it is just staring and crying.  I look as deep in my eyes as I possibly can searching for answers.  My eyes are sad and are missing the light they once had, and that saddens me.  But, I also see a fighter in there.  I see potential. I see greatness.  I see a strong woman, a weak woman, a believer, a sinner, a saint, a lover, a fighter, a perfectionist, a follower, a leader, and a woman who so desperately wants to do the right thing and to just be happy. A woman who will stop at nothing to make sure her children are happy.  And so my journey continues. A journey I am determined to excel at.

I have goals that I cannot wait to achieve. I want to go back to school. I want to become fluent in ASL (American Sign Language). I want to write a book, and speak to woman about how they too can survive losing their spouse.  I want to help others in any way I possibly can.  I want to make my children proud, Buddy proud, God proud and myself proud.  I want to move forward not as the woman who tragically lost her husband, but as the woman who survived the unthinkable.  I believe that maybe it is not my strengths that inspire people, but my weaknesses.  My ability to share with you that I am not perfect. Share with you that I have been found on my bathroom floor, just in a towel, too weak to get up. I have smiled more fake smiles than real ones.  I have shared with you some of my mistakes (nobody want's to know all of them).  I have shared with you my fears and my insecurities.  All of these things my appear to be weaknesses, but friends, it is those weaknesses that you connect with most because those weaknesses are you,  and they are me. They are what make us human.  Facing those weaknesses and refusing to succumb to them, that is what makes us strong.  You cannot have one without the other.

This is what I know....

Grief is a VERY individual thing.  There is no right or wrong way to go through it.  You can't go around it, over it, or under it.  Straight through it is the only way.  You will be criticized along the way.  You will be laughed at, made fun of, used, judged and rejected. Sad but true.  BUT, you will also be encouraged, supported, loved, treasured, comforted, and very very blessed.  You will go through every single emotion known to man.  You will direct those emotions, especially love and anger, at the right people but also at the wrong people.  You will look for answers everywhere you can.  In good places and in bad.  You will make mistakes of all sizes but you will also have great victories!  Victories that may not have been possible without those mistakes.  You will question everything but you will find answers when you are ready for them.  Those answers will come from within.  At the school where I teach, we have a motto.."Never, never, never, give up"  That is who I am friends.  I am a woman who never gives up. I never have and I never will.  Im sorry for my moment of silence but sometimes, it takes a moment to figure things out.  Which I will; when I'm ready.  I got this.