Garrison has been very sick these last 3 days. He has been running a 103-104 fever and vomiting. I took him to the doctor and they diagnosed him with strep throat. He has not moved from the couch and has done nothing but sleep or just lay there and stare. He finally asked for some Cheetos tonight. That is the first thing he has eaten since Sunday Morning. He has been very emotional and has cried over very simple things like his legs aching or wanting water and not ice chips.
Tonight, he asked me if he was going to die. I immediately came over to him and told him no. He said "because children don't die." Here is where I get confused. I told him "yes, Garrison, some children do die but you are not one of them." He immediately began bawling. "But why?" he asked. "Because Jesus misses them and wants them to come and live with Him." I replied. He then asked if grown ups died and I said they did. He then wanted to know if I was going to die. I told him I wasn't going anywhere. He cried and cried.
The confusion comes with this thought. Did I say the right thing? Should I have told him little kids don't die, just to take that fear away from him? But then what if the unthinkable happens and someone we know and love dies as a child? What then?
I tell people all of the time that he has the mentality of a 4 year old. That is true. However, he does not have the mentality of a typical 4 year old. I don't want to hear how people spoke of death with their 3, 4, and 5 year old children. I want to scream to them "IT'S NOT THE SAME!" His brain doesn't work the same as a "typical" child. I cannot explain things to him the same way I do to my other children or the same way you do to yours. IT'S NOT THE SAME!!
How do I know how to say things to him? I feel like I am letting him down. I feel like I am not even close to the mother that this amazing angel needs or deserves. Sometimes I have to sit back and just feel helpless. And before you say it, IT'S NOT THE SAME as you do with your teenagers, or your 10 year old or with your 5 year old. It is very different then any situation you have with your children.
Children with Autism process things differently than everyone else. I don't speak his language. I try. I try so hard but sometimes I just don't feel like I am living up to the mother he was intended to have. I will keep trying. I love this little boy more than I can even understand or comprehend. He is such a special spirit and I cannot even look at his hand, or cheek, or toes without smiling. He lights up my life each and every day, in a very different way than my daughters do. So I am just going to keep praying that I am getting through to him and I am helping him. I cannot and will not let him down.
