Healing?

1 Year ago today, I had gone to a nursing home to help volunteer at a Christmas Craft Day. As I left the facility, I couldn't wait to get home and take a much needed nap. As I laid down, my cell phone rang. It was my good friend Sheree. I didn't answer because I so badly just wanted to sleep. Then my home phone rang..again Sheree. Once again, I thought "I just want to sleep." Then a text comes through.."call me! 911"..My heart dropped and so I immediately called her..She gave me the news that our very very dear friend Victor had died in his sleep. Victor was only 19 years old.  I literally fell to the ground. I just kept saying "no!" I hung up and called my friend and our boss Anne and gave her the news. We sobbed on the phone together. I called Buddy. He was immediately heartbroken.

Victor, or as we call him in our home "Burrito" was very much a member of our family. He ate Sunday dinners with us, babysat for us and came to Buddy and I on countless occasions for advice on everything from girls, to school, to God..We loved him like a son and he was very much a big brother to our 4 children. It was breathtaking to watch the connection he had with all of our kids but especially our sweet Kimbo. The two of them had a very special bond.

Buddy and I waited to tell the kids until he got home from work. I sat on the couch with my arms around them as he told them, through tears, that Victor had died. It was excruciating. As parents, knowing you are about to tell your kids something that will devastate them, well that is just beyond difficult. From that moment, for the next few weeks, we focused everything on Victors memory and on his family. We have never fully recovered from that loss and it was very difficult on every member of my family..

We have been very grateful for the times we had with Burrito. He made us laugh until we had tears coming from our eyes. He was such a wonderful young man and we were blessed to be his adopted family. We think about and miss him every single day. We are truly better for knowing him.

Fast Forward 6 months...

I wake up and my first thought is "why didn't Buddy kiss me before he left for work?" Feeling slightly irritated and a little sad, I decide to quickly check my email before jumping in the shower. I see a Facebook alert that says "There has been a runner that was hit on Willow Springs. If you have a loved one who did not come home this morning, please call 911. My husband works for Forth Worth PD and they are looking for the runner's family." (This is not word for word but VERY close to it). I immediatly knew it was Buddy. I don't know how or why but I knew. I started breathing very hard and very loud. So loud that I woke Rachel and Kimbo up with my breathing. I rushed to the front door, looked out the peephole and saw his work car sitting in the front. I started saying "No! No! No!" I ran into Garrison's room to look out the window and sure enough, there it was. He had never left for work. He should have already been at work for over an hour at this time.  I ran into the family room and Rachel said "Mom! What's wrong! Is it daddy?" I told her I wasn't sure. That I needed to call 9-1-1. I asked her and Kimbo to run fast and get Justin and Laci from next door.

Justin is ultimately the one who went to the scene of the accident and found out it was Buddy. He came back and was standing outside when I went out the front door. I said "Justin, is it him?" He said they thought it was Buddy. I said "And he's dead"..He nodded yes. I fell to the ground. I immediately thought and said out loud "what am I going to tell the kids? What will I tell Garrison?" I stood up and vomited in the bushes. I told the kids..a moment I will never forget and one that I will never heal from. I remember that same feeling Buddy and I had shared together just 6 months before..How do you tell your kids something that will devastate them. I had to be the one to give them news that would change everything in their lives. It would ruin a part of them forever. How, as a mother, do you do that? The moment I told them will forever be scarred in my mind. I will never recover from that moment.

Today I am mad. Today I am sad. Today I feel alone. Today I scream "It's not fair". Today I ask why. Today I ache in ways that shouldn't be humanly possible. Today I feel like I will never heal. And before you tell me I will heal, please just don't because TODAY I don't want to hear that. Today I want to cry and miss them. Today and I want to just be mad, sad, alone and left questioning.

Today is a bad day. I try not to have many, I try to stay positive every single day. I try to pump myself up every day and tell myself that I am strong and that I will be happy. But just when it seems like I might have found something happy..well it ends up hurting me instead. Not sure why it continues to work out that way but regardless it does.

I will push through..My kids happiness is really all that does matter. You can all be damn sure I will take care of them. I am not a selfish person. I love them with all that I am. I will continue to keep moving forward and ensure they have a very bright future. Not sure why they got me instead of him but I will prove to myself and everyone else that I can and will do this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn7pWm4i0ZU

Buddy Moments

A lot of people have moments in their life that they refer to as "God moments." I do too. But some I would have to say are definately "Buddy moments".  Moments that are little gifts to the kids and I, straight from Buddy. I would love to share some of these with you. Some are too personal or spiritual so I wont share those but others are just classic Buddy. They show me and the kids, and now you, just how much Buddy is near, how concerned he is for us and how he truly reaches out to us from the other side.

One time when we lived in Omaha, we were having to go to Florida for a special meeting for his company.  I was a few months pregnant with Natalie and very emotional. I was overwhelmed with sadness at leaving my other 3 behind and overly scared to fly. I was shaking and scared as we got on that plane. He held my hand tightly the entire beginning of the flight. He kept assuring me that we were going to be just fine. As soon as the flight attendant came over the intercom and said we could use our electronics, he let go of my hand and pulled out his laptop. Then he pulled out a package of movies that he had nicely placed in a black case. I was wondering what the heck he was doing. All of the sudden, he hands me one earphone while placing the other one in his ear and on comes "The Office."  The office is one of our all time favorite shows that we always watched together. He had planned ahead and brought that on the airplane just to help calm me down and make me laugh. It is one of my favorite moments and stories to share as it really shows how much he loved me.

Fast Forward to my flight from Dallas/Vegas on this past Monday. Even though I was not fearful of this flight, and I was sad to be leaving my kids but also excited for some time away, I was dreading parts of the week that I was going to have to face.  Luckily I was blessed to have one of my best friends Laurie, sitting in the seat next to me. We were talking about how hard this week would be.  I shared with her "The Office" story and once again, smiled and laughed through tears at the thought of it all. A few short moments after I finished telling her the story, the TV's in the airplane came down and wouldn't you know it? "The Office" came over the tv's to watch. "BUDDY MOMENT!!"

Anyone who knows us, knows that Chili's is our absolute favorite place to eat. We love it! Garrison especially loves it. Many times, we have used it as a reward for him..if he goes to church on Sunday's, we go to Chili's. It works out great. Well, today was one of those days. All during church he kept asking if it was time to go to Chili's. So as soon as church was over, we headed over there. We sat down, ordered, ate chips and salsa and waited on our food. Then, the lights went out. The electricity had gone out. My first thought was "oh no! What are we going to do? Garrison will be devastated if he doesn't get his cheese pizza and fries." I immediately prayed in my heart to please let our food still be able to cook.

 

Garrison is not a spoiled brat. Children with Autism have a hard time when you change their routine. It is one of the things that can trigger a HUGE meltdown in Garrison. Once we have a plan, if we do not follow through with that plan, it can get very tricky. He struggles so much when that happens.

Well, next thing I know, the managers are making their rounds to all of the tables and telling all of the customers that it will be as late as 3:00 (2.5 hours from that moment) before the electricity came back on so unless they wanted to sit and wait for that moment, there would be no food. My heart was pounding..and then here comes our food! It was like angels were singing. I was so happy. They said that our food had literally just come out as the lights went out. "BUDDY MOMENT!"

I am so grateful for these moments. I am grateful that Buddy assures us that he is near and that he knows what we need, when we need it.

Love Prevails

A lot has happened since my last post..I have completed one 5K and one 4 mile Turkey Trot. I ran both of those with Kimbo and cannot even begin to tell you how rewarding and amazing they both were. Last year while we were in San Antonio for Thanksgiving, Buddy and Kimbo ran the Turkey Trot and I promised both of them that come hell or high water, I would run with them in 2012..well, as it turns out, Hell did indeed come and I still ran it with my Kimbo while Rachel and Aunt Susie walked. It was incredible!

Thanksgiving was hard..There is no question about that. However, we were blessed to share it with Buddy's mom and dad who mean the world to me. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have such amazing in-laws who love and support me so much. Of course we were at Susie's house and her daughters Amy (along with her husband J.R. and their sweet son Max), and Erin all joined us throughout our visit there. It was a wonderful trip filled with 2 trips to Sea World, 1 trip to Morgan's Wonderland and lots of shopping!

Everyone of us all wore our Buddy Run shirts on Thanksgiving. It was very special and helped us feel his presence there.

Since we got home from our little vacation a few hiccups have occurred but nothing we cannot handle.  I've had some very serious health insurance issues that have caused so much stress but I am trying to have faith that the Lord will provide.  I continue to run almost every day and keep my chin up.

I have had a few very spiritual conversations with Buddy that I of course, will not share here but they have been very healing and made me realize that the time to move forward (not a fan of the term moving on because really? How does one "move on" after something like this) is now and Buddy truly wants me to find happiness.  I am working on that. I am enduring and trying my very best to help my children do the same.

As we face these next few weeks, we will stumble upon some hard days. December 13, will mark my 15th wedding anniversary. Followed, of course, by Christmas. It is going to be a doozy of a month but I am determined to push through and survive yet 2 more firsts.This is not to say there will not be tears. I assure you they will flow like crazy but that is ok. That is necessary. However, I also know that he is near and will help us get through.

The thought of him not being here to help me put presents under the tree on Christmas eve, or to help me make our traditional HUGE Christmas breakfast (we don't do a big Christmas dinner, just a massive breakfast), or watch the kids open their presents...that is a lot to swallow. However, my favorite moment every Christmas was Christmas eve, after the children were in bed and we had finished putting all of the Christmas presents under the tree..we would sit on our bed and exchange stockings..it is something we have done from the beginning.  It truly was our favorite part of the Christmas holiday. Sometimes we filled them with silly stuff, sometimes it was sentimental but it was always something we both looked forward to.  Every year, he gave me a bottle of Pepsi, Gum, mints and a lottery ticket. Every single year those were included. I will so miss doing that this year. But I will create new traditions..eventually.

So, we will continue to move forward (not on) and cry our tears and smile our smiles. But through it all, we will remember how blessed we were and are to have love in our home and  the love of an amazing dad and husband. We love you Buddy!