A Moment of Silence

I love my blog. I love that so many readers have sent me emails and comments and messages at how my blog has helped them.  How reading about my journey through these last 18 months has somehow impacted them and their lives.  I am honored that you, my readers, come and check in and take a few short minutes to sit and cry with me, laugh with me, and hurt with me.  I am often asked if I keep a journal.  I don't  This blog is my journal.  So, to my readers,  who have been so encouraging and supportive of me, I apologize for my hiatus from blogging. I can only tell you that the last few months have had several ups and downs and to be honest, I just didn't know what to say.  But, here I am, ready to give it a shot.

I have a huge fear of letting others see me weak.  It's a very real fear to me.  I constantly hear 'You don't have to always be strong"  But the truth, as I see it, is that I do.  When you are constantly told how strong you are, how you inspire others, how your strength is the reason your children are doing so well, that tells me, I cannot show my weaknesses.  I do not for one minute believe that any of you, or my children, think that I am strong and smiling 100% of the time.  My kids have seen me cry or yell one too many times to be fooled but still. I hesitate to write because I fear y'all may think I am a phony after all.

Since Buddy was killed, I have had many failures, many successes, many tears and many smiles.  I have put myself through hours of guilt for each of those things.  I have loved again, and lost again. I have had my heart broken and been rejected. I have questioned every single thing about my faith, my church, my God, and myself.  I have gained new friends and lost friends but mostly, I have lost myself.  When I look in the mirror, I often do it with tears in my eyes. I talk to myself. Sometimes its a pep talk and other times it is just staring and crying.  I look as deep in my eyes as I possibly can searching for answers.  My eyes are sad and are missing the light they once had, and that saddens me.  But, I also see a fighter in there.  I see potential. I see greatness.  I see a strong woman, a weak woman, a believer, a sinner, a saint, a lover, a fighter, a perfectionist, a follower, a leader, and a woman who so desperately wants to do the right thing and to just be happy. A woman who will stop at nothing to make sure her children are happy.  And so my journey continues. A journey I am determined to excel at.

I have goals that I cannot wait to achieve. I want to go back to school. I want to become fluent in ASL (American Sign Language). I want to write a book, and speak to woman about how they too can survive losing their spouse.  I want to help others in any way I possibly can.  I want to make my children proud, Buddy proud, God proud and myself proud.  I want to move forward not as the woman who tragically lost her husband, but as the woman who survived the unthinkable.  I believe that maybe it is not my strengths that inspire people, but my weaknesses.  My ability to share with you that I am not perfect. Share with you that I have been found on my bathroom floor, just in a towel, too weak to get up. I have smiled more fake smiles than real ones.  I have shared with you some of my mistakes (nobody want's to know all of them).  I have shared with you my fears and my insecurities.  All of these things my appear to be weaknesses, but friends, it is those weaknesses that you connect with most because those weaknesses are you,  and they are me. They are what make us human.  Facing those weaknesses and refusing to succumb to them, that is what makes us strong.  You cannot have one without the other.

This is what I know....

Grief is a VERY individual thing.  There is no right or wrong way to go through it.  You can't go around it, over it, or under it.  Straight through it is the only way.  You will be criticized along the way.  You will be laughed at, made fun of, used, judged and rejected. Sad but true.  BUT, you will also be encouraged, supported, loved, treasured, comforted, and very very blessed.  You will go through every single emotion known to man.  You will direct those emotions, especially love and anger, at the right people but also at the wrong people.  You will look for answers everywhere you can.  In good places and in bad.  You will make mistakes of all sizes but you will also have great victories!  Victories that may not have been possible without those mistakes.  You will question everything but you will find answers when you are ready for them.  Those answers will come from within.  At the school where I teach, we have a motto.."Never, never, never, give up"  That is who I am friends.  I am a woman who never gives up. I never have and I never will.  Im sorry for my moment of silence but sometimes, it takes a moment to figure things out.  Which I will; when I'm ready.  I got this.