Heavy Heart

I never know when it will be a good day or a bad day. I strive to make every single day a great day. I truly do, however, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Some days, I just need to be sad. Sometimes it is just a minute or two, but sometimes, I can't shake it no matter what. I never know what is going to trigger it either. I can be out running or walking in the grocery store and BAM!! I think "Buddy is gone!" and it feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach.

When something like this happens, you have no idea what to do with yourself. You have no answers. You desperately want them but you know you will never have them. You think and want to do things one way but it doesn't always happen that way.  I can tell you that my most difficult times are at night and first thing in the morning. Going to bed, alone, is more painful than I can even begin to express. It is a cold, lonely feeling that is all consuming.  Waking up in the morning, you think "Can I face another day alone, without him?" I lay there and think of my kids and what my day holds..I just want to stay in that bed and not face it. But I know I have to and in many ways I want to. I want to do anything and everything I can to make the pain stop. Laying in bed will not do that...

Sometimes, in my most private moments, I lay on the bathroom floor, or sit in the shower, or lay on my bed curled up in a ball, or sit on the couch and stare at the wall and just cry. My whole body shakes and I ache in ways you cannot even imagine. Sometimes I yell. I yell at God, I yell at myself. I beg Buddy to come back. I beg God for some relief from the pain. I beg God to help me to be happy and to help me to make my kids happy. I do a lot of begging..for any relief possible. Nobody ever gets to witness those moments..they are for me only. I shared every detail of my thoughts and feelings with Buddy. He is not here so nobody gets to hear them. One day I am sure someone will but for now, I keep them to myself.

I know I share a lot on Facebook, and a lot on this blog and I am very grateful for that opportunity. However, there is no way people can get the whole picture through those two outlets.  Of course I am going to post pictures of me smiling and I am going to post that I am going to lunch with some of my friends or getting my nails done. I don't do this to try and tell people I am better or that I am healed. I do this because it is who I am. I am pushing through and I want those who cannot be here with me to know I am OK. I do it to let those who do not see me everyday to know what I am up to because it is impossible for me to communicate with everyone individually. You will never see the sad pictures. You will only see the smiles. Some are real, some are there just for show. Only I know what I feel and what I am going through..it truly is Hell. No other way to put it.

I can only imagine how much Buddy misses us. That is the one of the most difficult thoughts I have. It is the one thought that will instantly reduce me to tears. I know he sees us hurting and even though he has a different understanding now, he still loves us and doesn't want us to hurt. I know he wants the kids and I happy. We had many, many conversations about what we would do if the other died. I know what his wishes for me were.

I know Buddy has put very specific people in my life since he passed. I have friends as close as 2 streets away. I have friends as far away as Alabama and California. Some of these friends have been in my life since birth, some have been in my life since I moved to Texas and some have been in my life for only a few months but I know without a doubt, they are all there for a reason. Those most recent were placed there by Buddy. I am certain of it. I am incredibly grateful for them. Without them, I am not quite sure how I would have made it through.  I don't necessarily call them, they just show up, or call me. It seems they have a radar on when I need them.  My family is the same. How blessed I am for all of their love. Their countless emails, Facebook messages, text messages..they are just amazing! I am overwhelmed by their love and patience with me.

I don't know what I am doing. I only know that I will get out of bed every day. I will continue to run. I will continue to love my kids and do everything I can to make them smile and be happy. I will continue to love my family and my friends. I will continue to miss Buddy. I will miss everything about him. I will miss his voice, his laugh, his way of making me laugh, his touch, his patience, his support, his guidance, his advice and most of all, his undying love for me. I know I still have that but it is all so different now.

I will be OK. I promise I will. I am moving on and most days moving up! Life is good and I am blessed.