Buddy always said he didn't necessarily love to run but instead, loved the effects running had on him mentally and physically allowing him to lose weight. It never ceased to amaze me how he would drag himself out of bed as early as 4:00 in the morning some times, just so he could run. I never got it. He would tell me I should run as well and I tried it for like 3 days and hated it. I gave up. Still I sat in marvel at how he pushed through and ran almost every day. 2 months ago, I felt a strong impression to start running. I know for a fact it was Buddy telling me to give it a go. I tried it and fell in love immediately. I am obsessed with it now. If I go a day without running, I feel sick to my stomach. I just feel down and discouraged.
Running is my Heather and Buddy time. I noticed a few weeks ago, that I run on the left side of the sidewalk. Most people, when running alone, run down the center of it. It dawned on me that I do that because I feel like Buddy runs with me. I have had some of my most awesome experiences with Buddy since I started running. Experiences that are too precious and personal to even share.
I put my ipod on and crank it up loud. I love music. It is so healing to me. It says what I cannot. Every single song on my running list has meaning to me. Every song makes me think of someone in my life..not just Buddy but others who have been there for me these past 18 weeks. Sometimes, like today, I cry..a lot. Other times, I laugh, or just think. I think about my future, I think about my past. I think about what Buddy was thinking during his final run. I think about people, places and a lot about my kids. I think about my feelings. I think about myself and my fears, concerns and happy thoughts. A lot of my thoughts are based on what song happens to come on.
I have always struggled with my self esteem. Since I can remember actually. Running has helped me with that. It has helped me feel more confident and secure with myself. I am not aiming to look like a super model but I do like the effects it has on my body. I like that no matter what kind of morning I am having, no matter what, I ALWAYS feel better when I get home and know that I have run. I laugh when I hear people say that they could never be a runner because they hate running..oh if they only knew me! Nobody on this planet hated running more than I did. I do know what it meant to my husband though and in a lot of ways, I feel like I am doing it to honor him. I do it to make him proud of me.
I will be forever grateful for his example and inspiration to me. He knew I needed running to help me survive his death. It has helped me so much. It has truly changed my life. I know I will never win any races or beat any big records but that is not my goal. My goal is to be healthy and strong for my kids, to feel good about myself emotionally and physically and to have a way for my husbands legacy to live on. So far, I think I am doing just that.
3 comments:
Chills filled my body as I read this post. I love that you have found a way to have a special bond filled with sacred experiences with Buddy. It's so awesome to hear how you have found a new connection with him. I love your ambition, your reason and attitude about running. It definitely isn't a race. It brings us health, peace of mind and focus. I love you Heather and I am grateful you are listening to your inspiration.
You are doing so amazing! Love to read everything you write. (Even though I usually end up in tears.) My kids always know when I am reading something from you bout Buddy!
I think about you (and Buddy and your kids) at all times. And it brings me such peace to know that you are moving forward with a purpose (even if you don't know exactly what the future will bring) each day to never forget him and yet to bring joy and peace into your own life and the life of your kids! You are an inspiration to so many!
I wish I was there to hug you. I just sit here and cry as I read your posts. I love you and pray for you often. Hope you're hanging in there.
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