Healing?

1 Year ago today, I had gone to a nursing home to help volunteer at a Christmas Craft Day. As I left the facility, I couldn't wait to get home and take a much needed nap. As I laid down, my cell phone rang. It was my good friend Sheree. I didn't answer because I so badly just wanted to sleep. Then my home phone rang..again Sheree. Once again, I thought "I just want to sleep." Then a text comes through.."call me! 911"..My heart dropped and so I immediately called her..She gave me the news that our very very dear friend Victor had died in his sleep. Victor was only 19 years old.  I literally fell to the ground. I just kept saying "no!" I hung up and called my friend and our boss Anne and gave her the news. We sobbed on the phone together. I called Buddy. He was immediately heartbroken.

Victor, or as we call him in our home "Burrito" was very much a member of our family. He ate Sunday dinners with us, babysat for us and came to Buddy and I on countless occasions for advice on everything from girls, to school, to God..We loved him like a son and he was very much a big brother to our 4 children. It was breathtaking to watch the connection he had with all of our kids but especially our sweet Kimbo. The two of them had a very special bond.

Buddy and I waited to tell the kids until he got home from work. I sat on the couch with my arms around them as he told them, through tears, that Victor had died. It was excruciating. As parents, knowing you are about to tell your kids something that will devastate them, well that is just beyond difficult. From that moment, for the next few weeks, we focused everything on Victors memory and on his family. We have never fully recovered from that loss and it was very difficult on every member of my family..

We have been very grateful for the times we had with Burrito. He made us laugh until we had tears coming from our eyes. He was such a wonderful young man and we were blessed to be his adopted family. We think about and miss him every single day. We are truly better for knowing him.

Fast Forward 6 months...

I wake up and my first thought is "why didn't Buddy kiss me before he left for work?" Feeling slightly irritated and a little sad, I decide to quickly check my email before jumping in the shower. I see a Facebook alert that says "There has been a runner that was hit on Willow Springs. If you have a loved one who did not come home this morning, please call 911. My husband works for Forth Worth PD and they are looking for the runner's family." (This is not word for word but VERY close to it). I immediatly knew it was Buddy. I don't know how or why but I knew. I started breathing very hard and very loud. So loud that I woke Rachel and Kimbo up with my breathing. I rushed to the front door, looked out the peephole and saw his work car sitting in the front. I started saying "No! No! No!" I ran into Garrison's room to look out the window and sure enough, there it was. He had never left for work. He should have already been at work for over an hour at this time.  I ran into the family room and Rachel said "Mom! What's wrong! Is it daddy?" I told her I wasn't sure. That I needed to call 9-1-1. I asked her and Kimbo to run fast and get Justin and Laci from next door.

Justin is ultimately the one who went to the scene of the accident and found out it was Buddy. He came back and was standing outside when I went out the front door. I said "Justin, is it him?" He said they thought it was Buddy. I said "And he's dead"..He nodded yes. I fell to the ground. I immediately thought and said out loud "what am I going to tell the kids? What will I tell Garrison?" I stood up and vomited in the bushes. I told the kids..a moment I will never forget and one that I will never heal from. I remember that same feeling Buddy and I had shared together just 6 months before..How do you tell your kids something that will devastate them. I had to be the one to give them news that would change everything in their lives. It would ruin a part of them forever. How, as a mother, do you do that? The moment I told them will forever be scarred in my mind. I will never recover from that moment.

Today I am mad. Today I am sad. Today I feel alone. Today I scream "It's not fair". Today I ask why. Today I ache in ways that shouldn't be humanly possible. Today I feel like I will never heal. And before you tell me I will heal, please just don't because TODAY I don't want to hear that. Today I want to cry and miss them. Today and I want to just be mad, sad, alone and left questioning.

Today is a bad day. I try not to have many, I try to stay positive every single day. I try to pump myself up every day and tell myself that I am strong and that I will be happy. But just when it seems like I might have found something happy..well it ends up hurting me instead. Not sure why it continues to work out that way but regardless it does.

I will push through..My kids happiness is really all that does matter. You can all be damn sure I will take care of them. I am not a selfish person. I love them with all that I am. I will continue to keep moving forward and ensure they have a very bright future. Not sure why they got me instead of him but I will prove to myself and everyone else that I can and will do this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn7pWm4i0ZU

Buddy Moments

A lot of people have moments in their life that they refer to as "God moments." I do too. But some I would have to say are definately "Buddy moments".  Moments that are little gifts to the kids and I, straight from Buddy. I would love to share some of these with you. Some are too personal or spiritual so I wont share those but others are just classic Buddy. They show me and the kids, and now you, just how much Buddy is near, how concerned he is for us and how he truly reaches out to us from the other side.

One time when we lived in Omaha, we were having to go to Florida for a special meeting for his company.  I was a few months pregnant with Natalie and very emotional. I was overwhelmed with sadness at leaving my other 3 behind and overly scared to fly. I was shaking and scared as we got on that plane. He held my hand tightly the entire beginning of the flight. He kept assuring me that we were going to be just fine. As soon as the flight attendant came over the intercom and said we could use our electronics, he let go of my hand and pulled out his laptop. Then he pulled out a package of movies that he had nicely placed in a black case. I was wondering what the heck he was doing. All of the sudden, he hands me one earphone while placing the other one in his ear and on comes "The Office."  The office is one of our all time favorite shows that we always watched together. He had planned ahead and brought that on the airplane just to help calm me down and make me laugh. It is one of my favorite moments and stories to share as it really shows how much he loved me.

Fast Forward to my flight from Dallas/Vegas on this past Monday. Even though I was not fearful of this flight, and I was sad to be leaving my kids but also excited for some time away, I was dreading parts of the week that I was going to have to face.  Luckily I was blessed to have one of my best friends Laurie, sitting in the seat next to me. We were talking about how hard this week would be.  I shared with her "The Office" story and once again, smiled and laughed through tears at the thought of it all. A few short moments after I finished telling her the story, the TV's in the airplane came down and wouldn't you know it? "The Office" came over the tv's to watch. "BUDDY MOMENT!!"

Anyone who knows us, knows that Chili's is our absolute favorite place to eat. We love it! Garrison especially loves it. Many times, we have used it as a reward for him..if he goes to church on Sunday's, we go to Chili's. It works out great. Well, today was one of those days. All during church he kept asking if it was time to go to Chili's. So as soon as church was over, we headed over there. We sat down, ordered, ate chips and salsa and waited on our food. Then, the lights went out. The electricity had gone out. My first thought was "oh no! What are we going to do? Garrison will be devastated if he doesn't get his cheese pizza and fries." I immediately prayed in my heart to please let our food still be able to cook.

 

Garrison is not a spoiled brat. Children with Autism have a hard time when you change their routine. It is one of the things that can trigger a HUGE meltdown in Garrison. Once we have a plan, if we do not follow through with that plan, it can get very tricky. He struggles so much when that happens.

Well, next thing I know, the managers are making their rounds to all of the tables and telling all of the customers that it will be as late as 3:00 (2.5 hours from that moment) before the electricity came back on so unless they wanted to sit and wait for that moment, there would be no food. My heart was pounding..and then here comes our food! It was like angels were singing. I was so happy. They said that our food had literally just come out as the lights went out. "BUDDY MOMENT!"

I am so grateful for these moments. I am grateful that Buddy assures us that he is near and that he knows what we need, when we need it.

Love Prevails

A lot has happened since my last post..I have completed one 5K and one 4 mile Turkey Trot. I ran both of those with Kimbo and cannot even begin to tell you how rewarding and amazing they both were. Last year while we were in San Antonio for Thanksgiving, Buddy and Kimbo ran the Turkey Trot and I promised both of them that come hell or high water, I would run with them in 2012..well, as it turns out, Hell did indeed come and I still ran it with my Kimbo while Rachel and Aunt Susie walked. It was incredible!

Thanksgiving was hard..There is no question about that. However, we were blessed to share it with Buddy's mom and dad who mean the world to me. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have such amazing in-laws who love and support me so much. Of course we were at Susie's house and her daughters Amy (along with her husband J.R. and their sweet son Max), and Erin all joined us throughout our visit there. It was a wonderful trip filled with 2 trips to Sea World, 1 trip to Morgan's Wonderland and lots of shopping!

Everyone of us all wore our Buddy Run shirts on Thanksgiving. It was very special and helped us feel his presence there.

Since we got home from our little vacation a few hiccups have occurred but nothing we cannot handle.  I've had some very serious health insurance issues that have caused so much stress but I am trying to have faith that the Lord will provide.  I continue to run almost every day and keep my chin up.

I have had a few very spiritual conversations with Buddy that I of course, will not share here but they have been very healing and made me realize that the time to move forward (not a fan of the term moving on because really? How does one "move on" after something like this) is now and Buddy truly wants me to find happiness.  I am working on that. I am enduring and trying my very best to help my children do the same.

As we face these next few weeks, we will stumble upon some hard days. December 13, will mark my 15th wedding anniversary. Followed, of course, by Christmas. It is going to be a doozy of a month but I am determined to push through and survive yet 2 more firsts.This is not to say there will not be tears. I assure you they will flow like crazy but that is ok. That is necessary. However, I also know that he is near and will help us get through.

The thought of him not being here to help me put presents under the tree on Christmas eve, or to help me make our traditional HUGE Christmas breakfast (we don't do a big Christmas dinner, just a massive breakfast), or watch the kids open their presents...that is a lot to swallow. However, my favorite moment every Christmas was Christmas eve, after the children were in bed and we had finished putting all of the Christmas presents under the tree..we would sit on our bed and exchange stockings..it is something we have done from the beginning.  It truly was our favorite part of the Christmas holiday. Sometimes we filled them with silly stuff, sometimes it was sentimental but it was always something we both looked forward to.  Every year, he gave me a bottle of Pepsi, Gum, mints and a lottery ticket. Every single year those were included. I will so miss doing that this year. But I will create new traditions..eventually.

So, we will continue to move forward (not on) and cry our tears and smile our smiles. But through it all, we will remember how blessed we were and are to have love in our home and  the love of an amazing dad and husband. We love you Buddy!

RTR (Roll Tide Roll for all of you non Bama fans)

What an experience. On November 9th, I boarded an airplane to Alabama, with no kids, to have the opportunity to go and watch an Alabama football game at Bryant Denny Stadium. Buddy's cousin Joe has been such a blessing in my life and has worked so hard to bring me whatever happiness he could since Buddy died. He is the one who bought the tickets and invited me to come along. He and his sweet, sweet wife Karen have opened their home to me and my family and have helped us create some amazing memories.  I am so grateful to him for that.  This past weekend is one I will not soon forget.

While I was there I got to meet some absolutely incredible people.  Some people who I hope will be in my life forever. Some people who have touched me and my heart, in ways they don't understand. I met one amazing woman who can relate so much with me and what I am going through. She gave me some great advice and I guarantee she has no idea how something she said brought me so much comfort. So thank you Elise, for saying things to me that have helped to heal my heart! You are an incredible woman and I love you so much already!

Joe and Hunter (Hunter is Joes best friend and has become a very dear friend to me over the past 3 months) know some people so they made it possible for me to meet some of the players! WOW!!! I was shaking with excitement! It was incredible!! I am still floating from the entire experience.

I am not sure what it is about Alabama but I can tell you this..I love it there. It feels like home to me. I don't quite understand it or know how to explain it but it just feels amazing to be there. It's not one thing in particular, at least not one thing I can put my finger on.  I will say that when I run there, a peace completely consumes me. I ache to have that peace. 

I was talking to Buddy's best friend last night and I was telling him that a few things have become clear to me..I have never liked running but I LOVE it now..I have always liked Alabama football but the past 4-5 years I have really started loving it and now, it is way past love..it is an obsession. It dawned on me a few days ago...running and Alabama football..those 2 things are Buddy through and through. I have engrossed myself with them because those 2 things were such a huge part of who he was. Running and Alabama football bring me comfort and joy in ways that nobody can understand.

I am so grateful for the happy events that have occured in my life recently. Things that never would have if Buddy were still here. I would trade every one of those moments to have Buddy back here and to just be in his arms but I can't do that. I don't understand why this is my life but it is and I am trying so hard to embrace that. God has put some amazing people in my life. I may not know why each of them is there or how long they will be there but I will love them with all that I am while they are because they can be gone...just..like...that.

So thank you to every single person who made this last, amazing weekend happen. Joe, Hunter, Shawn, Angela, Laurie, My brother Richard, and so many others. I don't know when I will get to go back..I do know that it will never be soon enough.

I know some of you may laugh at my, our families, obsession with Alabama football but as you laugh, keep in mind that it is so much of a lifeline to me right now. It's so much more than just "football" to me. So yes, I may scream and say things no good christian woman says and I may even cry when we lose but the joy that it brings me is indescribable!

Roll Tide Roll!!!

Fear of the Unknown

Pretty sure there has never been a time in my life when the future has scared me so much. As a child, the future is the next day or summer vacation. Your worries are who will be your best friend this week. As a teenager, your future is getting your drivers license or prom. You worry if you will past the test or have a date. As a young adult you start to open your eyes to a few more important concerns like college and bills. Your concerns are what you want to be when you grow up and if you will make enough money to support all of your dreams.  As you grow older, your future changes. With decisions you make, things that happen that are beyond your control and changes in your course, your hopes and dreams change.

When we found out Garrison was severely autistic, I remember the team of physicians telling us that we would still have dreams for our son, they would just be altered significantly. We probably wouldn't dream about him being a big league player or an award winning surgeon. Our dreams shifted to getting him to a point where he could do things alone, without our help. Hopefully, one day he would have a job and be able to live in a house that Buddy would build for him in our back yard. We have never felt bad for altering our dreams for Garrison. We have reveled in every single milestone he has crossed. We are so proud of our son and all that he has achieved and will achieve.

Now I face a future of unknowns. What will become of me? Will I find someone else who will love me? Will anyone actually want me and my kids? Don't get me wrong..I am not saying I am out looking for someone. If it happens, it happens but it is a fear I have. The fear of being alone and unwanted. My kids come first. I keep telling people that if my kids are happy, then I am happy. And that is absolutely true! Seeing them smile right now brings more joy to me then I can express. Those smiles is what gets me out of bed every single day. 

I worry that I will not be the mom I need to be to all 4 of my children. I worry that now their innocent dreams for their futures, have been greatly altered. I worry that they will never feel safe again.  I work and will work VERY hard to ensure that they achieve anything and everything they want to and that they will never question how safe they are. I want them to understand that their dad will continue to help them through every milestone and step in their lives.

I just want happiness. I want it for my children but I also want it for me. What I really want is the love of my life to walk back through that door and wrap me in his arms and tell me "I am here! Everything is going to be OK." I want to hear him tell me that I am making him proud and that he knows I can do this. I want him to promise me that happiness is in my future. I want to hear him say he loves me and is proud that I am his. I want to hear him say all of the silly things we used to say to each other. Things that were just between us.  I want to hear him call me "babe" and say "why are we so weird?" as we bust up laughing. 

Instead, I will keep moving forward, try not to worry so much (yeah right!) and just have a little faith that my family is going to be okay. We have suffered a huge blow but I refuse to allow that blow to destroy my kids or myself. Weather anyone wants us in the future or not,  we have each other and for that, I am the most blessed mom in the world.

Our First Holiday....

Buddy loved to take his kids trick or treating. He never missed it. Last year, we were out for about 3 hours, with the wagon so we could carry it all. The kids were participating in a contest where if they brought all of their candy into the orthodontist, he would pay you $1 a pound! So Buddy and Kimbo were on a mission. It paid off, literally, as they cashed in about $30 worth of candy! It was a very fun Halloween. Buddy just loved watching his kids have fun and smile.

I was dreading tonight as it would be our first official holiday without him here. I laid in bed last night and tossed and turned just thinking about it. But then, I ended up having a great day. No particular reason (well maybe a few that I don't want to share) but I just felt good all day. Then tonight..well lets just say what AMAZING friends we have been blessed with. They all came over, we ate A TON of pizza and salad and then headed out! Our kids tore up the neighborhood. Laurie and Angela and their families came and then Andrew and Jessica and my Kinley girl came. It was so incredible to have them walking the streets with me. They provided me with a strength and comfort that I cannot explain. I guarantee they had no idea how much it helped me or meant to me to have them there.

I asked Rachel at one point "Rachel, do you think daddy is right here with us walking these streets?" She said "Oh yes mom! For sure he is!" I know he was! He wouldn't miss it for anything! His physical presence was sorely missed but I know he was there, with me and our babies!

My mom and Leroy stayed here, handed out candy and hung out with Garrison. How blessed I am to have their love and support! They have been such troopers since they have been here. They knew this would be a rough night for me! I am so grateful and blessed to have them in my life. No words to express my love for them.

So, 1 holiday down..2 more big ones to go. So much dread and sadness consumes me when I think of celebrating those without him physically here but just like everything else, I will push through and do everything I can to make my kids smile!

Heavy Heart

I never know when it will be a good day or a bad day. I strive to make every single day a great day. I truly do, however, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Some days, I just need to be sad. Sometimes it is just a minute or two, but sometimes, I can't shake it no matter what. I never know what is going to trigger it either. I can be out running or walking in the grocery store and BAM!! I think "Buddy is gone!" and it feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach.

When something like this happens, you have no idea what to do with yourself. You have no answers. You desperately want them but you know you will never have them. You think and want to do things one way but it doesn't always happen that way.  I can tell you that my most difficult times are at night and first thing in the morning. Going to bed, alone, is more painful than I can even begin to express. It is a cold, lonely feeling that is all consuming.  Waking up in the morning, you think "Can I face another day alone, without him?" I lay there and think of my kids and what my day holds..I just want to stay in that bed and not face it. But I know I have to and in many ways I want to. I want to do anything and everything I can to make the pain stop. Laying in bed will not do that...

Sometimes, in my most private moments, I lay on the bathroom floor, or sit in the shower, or lay on my bed curled up in a ball, or sit on the couch and stare at the wall and just cry. My whole body shakes and I ache in ways you cannot even imagine. Sometimes I yell. I yell at God, I yell at myself. I beg Buddy to come back. I beg God for some relief from the pain. I beg God to help me to be happy and to help me to make my kids happy. I do a lot of begging..for any relief possible. Nobody ever gets to witness those moments..they are for me only. I shared every detail of my thoughts and feelings with Buddy. He is not here so nobody gets to hear them. One day I am sure someone will but for now, I keep them to myself.

I know I share a lot on Facebook, and a lot on this blog and I am very grateful for that opportunity. However, there is no way people can get the whole picture through those two outlets.  Of course I am going to post pictures of me smiling and I am going to post that I am going to lunch with some of my friends or getting my nails done. I don't do this to try and tell people I am better or that I am healed. I do this because it is who I am. I am pushing through and I want those who cannot be here with me to know I am OK. I do it to let those who do not see me everyday to know what I am up to because it is impossible for me to communicate with everyone individually. You will never see the sad pictures. You will only see the smiles. Some are real, some are there just for show. Only I know what I feel and what I am going through..it truly is Hell. No other way to put it.

I can only imagine how much Buddy misses us. That is the one of the most difficult thoughts I have. It is the one thought that will instantly reduce me to tears. I know he sees us hurting and even though he has a different understanding now, he still loves us and doesn't want us to hurt. I know he wants the kids and I happy. We had many, many conversations about what we would do if the other died. I know what his wishes for me were.

I know Buddy has put very specific people in my life since he passed. I have friends as close as 2 streets away. I have friends as far away as Alabama and California. Some of these friends have been in my life since birth, some have been in my life since I moved to Texas and some have been in my life for only a few months but I know without a doubt, they are all there for a reason. Those most recent were placed there by Buddy. I am certain of it. I am incredibly grateful for them. Without them, I am not quite sure how I would have made it through.  I don't necessarily call them, they just show up, or call me. It seems they have a radar on when I need them.  My family is the same. How blessed I am for all of their love. Their countless emails, Facebook messages, text messages..they are just amazing! I am overwhelmed by their love and patience with me.

I don't know what I am doing. I only know that I will get out of bed every day. I will continue to run. I will continue to love my kids and do everything I can to make them smile and be happy. I will continue to love my family and my friends. I will continue to miss Buddy. I will miss everything about him. I will miss his voice, his laugh, his way of making me laugh, his touch, his patience, his support, his guidance, his advice and most of all, his undying love for me. I know I still have that but it is all so different now.

I will be OK. I promise I will. I am moving on and most days moving up! Life is good and I am blessed.