The Run of a Lifetime

I did it!!!! After 3 months of "training" (I really didn't train the way I should have), I ran the Dallas Rock and Roll half marathon! Buddy ran this exact same race 2 years ago and it meant everything to me to be able to run it in his memory.  It was truly one of the most amazing experiences of my life.  I was so nervous, and down right scared, I made myself physically ill.  I won't lie and say there weren't a few times I questioned my desicion but I will say that only 1 time did I consider not doing it.  That one moment came just before I left my hotel room to walk down to the start line....Let's start from the beginning....

In December, some of you may remember that I went to Las Vegas to celebrate what would have been Buddy and my 15 year wedding anniversary.  3 of my closest friends joined me on that very emotional, and yet healing, week long trip.  While there, I was talking to my dear friend Janice about running the Dallas Rock and Roll half marathon in Buddy's memory.  Without hesitation, she said, "Let's do it! I will run it with you!" Literally within minutes of our conversation, we were registered. I had only been running for about 2 months at that point.

Let me pause here to explain something. I have NEVER been a runner.  In high school, I ran during PE but only because I was forced to. Even then, I did any walking I could get away with.  I HATED running. Buddy always wanted me to run with him, and I finally gave in and went about 3 times. Then I gave up because I truly hated it.  So when people say "Oh I could never run. I hate it!", they clearly have NO idea how much I use to hate it.  A few months after Buddy died, I was prompted to just go running one day. So I did. I realized how much better I felt when I got home, so I just kept going.  Now I sincerely love it.

So, after only have been running for 2 months with zero prior running experience, I embarked on this crazy dream to run this for Buddy.  I was determined.  Well, I got home, looked up training apps and started working really hard.  I had many many hiccups along the way.  Mostly, it was just so emotional for me.  Time was also a huge factor.  So, come race day, I had only been running for 5 months and the longest run I had ever been on was 4 miles.  In your half marathon training, you should be running 7-8 miles fairly regularly. Oops! This caused me a lot of my fear. I knew I would finish, I would crawl if I had to, but I was scared that I would injure myself or the fear of just how hard it would be.  I have learned an awful lot about myself these past months and one thing I know, I am a very determined lady.  I don't give up. Its just not who I am.

I have also had the most amazing support system. I am so blessed. I fully recognize that many people don't have that. My local friends were constantly encouraging me and even went running with me a few times. One even bought me some running shoes for Christmas.  When I didn't want to go running, I would hear, "you know you will feel so much better if you do!" They were always right.  So I ran! Not as much as I should have but I ran.

My friend Janice stayed true to her word and flew out here to run with me. I LOVED having her here with me to run. It provided me with a strength that I cannot explain. She is a better and faster runner than myself but literally stayed with me every single step of the race.  I can never ever ever thank her enough for running this with me. What a blessed experience to share with her. I love you J!

Race Morning: We woke up to 30 mph winds. It was 30 degrees outside. If you know anything about me, I HATE to be cold! I was so scared to go running in the wind and cold. I can even handle the cold but running in wind, let alone high winds, is so incredibly difficult.  I cried in the bathroom that morning and actually thought for a brief moment, "I can't do this."  That thought was quickly washed away by a peace; a peace that consumed me and reminded me that not only could I run this race, I would run this race and Buddy would be running it with me.  He made sure I knew that he wouldn't leave my side.  And he didn't.  Every time I needed to feel him, I did. My nerves were a mess as we got to the start line.  It was truly freezing.  And then, it was our turn. Going across that start line was incredible. I thought "Here we go!"  My adrenaline was sky high. Janice paced us to run 5 minutes, then walk 5 minutes. We did that almost the whole race, except for the last mile. I wanted to run the entire last mile. 

I had made signs to wear that very briefly told my story. I wanted everyone to know why I was doing this. Not for praise or attention, but to let people know how amazing my husband was. I wanted everyone to know his story.  I was his legs that day and I wanted the world to know it.  From the very beginning of the race, runners would run past me and pat me on the shoulder, give me a thumbs up, tell me "you're amazing" or "You're such an inspiration". Some hugged me with tears literally streaming down their faces. Others said "I will run for Buddy too!" I nearly had to stop a few times because I was crying so hard.  The support along the race was incredible. Janice would run with her arm around my shoulders or holding my hand while I sobbed. At some point, Janice and I noticed that no wind had been blowing the entire run. We had about 4 big gusts that came through VERY quickly and then nothing. It was incredible. The trees around us were not even blowing. I don't know if the other runners noticed but we most certainly did. Complete stillness. The girls all said that the wind was blowing so hard the entire time they were waiting for me! An absolute tender mercy!

At mile 7, I got the boost I needed more than I realized. As I rounded a corner, there in front of me was Rachel and Kimbo with Laurie and Angela. Seeing those 4 faces meant everything to me. I was ecstatic. I hugged my girls right away and Rachel said "You're doing it mom! You're really doing it!" Kimbo told me over and over "I'm so proud of you!" They were all 4 holding signs and screaming.  As I got a ways from them I turned around and screamed so they could hear "I love you!!!" They screamed it right back. One lady came up next to me with tears just falling down her cheeks and told me "Thank you for letting me witness that moment."

Miles 8, 9, and 10 were brutal. Very very hard. Those were the times when I wondered if my legs were going to make it.  When I hit mile 11, all I could think about was my daughters waiting for me at that finish line.  As we got to mile 12, it felt like the longest mile yet. That finish line seemed like it would never come. And then there it was! The minute I saw it in my sights, I lost it. I pushed with all my might and crossed it! Arms raised high. I just kept saying "I did it! I did it!" I saw my girls and Angela and Laurie to my left and in all my emotional craziness, just smiled at them. I didn't know where to go or what to do.  I walked forward and to my right was my dear friend Brandi.   I came to my senses (I was seriously out of it) and walked over and immediately embraced her. Thank you Brandi for being there to support me! I love you!

I walked over and found my girls and Angela and Laurie. I hugged my girls first and we all 3 cried and cried. They told me over and over how incredibly proud of me they were.  They kept telling me "You did it mom!" and "We love you so much!" Standing there holding them and crying was an amazing moment. Knowing that Buddy also had his arms around us at the same time was just incredible. Such a sweet and precious moment that I know we will all treasure.

I then hugged my two angels Laurie and Angela. To try and put into words what these women mean to me just isn't possible.  They have been here with me every step of the way. Every single day they have seen me hurt, cry, laugh, and even fall. But have stood by me through it all. Thank you will never even come close to enough to what I want to say to these two amazing women. Thank you ladies for loving me! I love you so much!

I made 2 phone calls after I crossed. One was to my mom. I got her voice mail. I cried and cried to her and told her I did it and that I loved her. She has been such a blessing to me throughout my life and so much more than a mother. She is truly one of my best friends. I love you mama!

So, here it is. A week later, and I am still flying high from it all. I cannot say it enough..it was truly nothing short of AMAZING!! I am so glad I did it and would give anything to do it all over again. My friend Angelas husband Ben said it best..when Buddy was killed, he was training for his first marathon. Ben said that I was completing that marathon for him. He had run the first 13.1 and I was running the second 13.1. Thank you Ben!

This is what I know...

When I put my mind to something, and have A LOT of faith, I can do anything. I know that any crazy thing I try to accomplish, I will have amazing people behind me to help me live out my dreams. I know Buddy is with me when I need him. He cannot be here every step but he is most certainly here when it counts most. I know Buddy is proud of me. He has told me. He knows this was for him and for me. He knows I love him and will love him until I die. I know I did not do this race alone. I was surrounded by angels both living and those in Heaven.  I know I am a fighter. I also know I will NEVER run a full marathon. So don't even ask!  I know I can, and will achieve great things! One half marathon down, several more (literally and figuratively) to go!

Self Discovery

Sorry it has been a few weeks but life has been a little rougher than usual.  Since I don't typically hold much back in these posts I will tell you all that during my complete "hitting rock bottom" day, I lost it. As my friend Angela put it "I saw you giving up for the first time." I really did. That day, February 20,  I truly felt I just couldn't go on.  Now, I have most certainly had those feelings at other times in my life but this time was much different.  I felt the life being sucked out of me. I thought, "If I just lay here and cry, I will surely die of a broken heart." I took a shower, and my daughter Rachel sent my dear friend Angela a text message that she was worried about me as she could hear the sobs coming from me through the walls.  Angela came almost immediately. I was so out of it. It was almost worse than the actual day that Buddy was killed. Angela called in a favor and got me into a new counselor the very next morning. She stayed there with me, helped me dress, helped put makeup on me and helped me do my hair. We then went to a planned birthday party with all of our families and kids. I don't remember much of that night.  I do know that Angela's husband asked Angela if I was ok because I looked awful. I went to the counselor the next morning, even though I told Angela I wasn't going. She came to my house and forced me to go. She would have literally drug me if she needed to. 

This new counselor has been wonderful. He has made me realize many things but has also got me thinking so much. He has given me counsel and advice that has helped me in ways I cannot explain. So, on this path of  discovering the new Heather that I am just now learning about, I am growing and learning in ways I cannot explain.  I hope to never, ever, ever revisit a day like the one I did when I hit my rock bottom...but, If I do, how blessed I am to know that I have friends and family, near and far, that will be here to pick me up. Thank you Angela for saving me that day. I realize I would not have physically died that day but I am not sure just how I would have mentally survived without YOU! I love you so very much.

I am not entirely sure why I am sharing this with y'all. My only thought is that maybe, just maybe, one of you needed to hear that not only do you have dark days and moments, but I do too. I want people to believe in me and know that I am strong..not because I put a smile on my face or am constantly trying to be positive, but because I can and will hit rock bottom, maybe even more than once, but that I will also overcome those moments. I want people to realize that even in my darkest hours, I believe there is hope and there is light, no matter how faint it may be. 

This coming Sunday, on March 24, I will run my first half marathon.  Buddy ran this same one 2 years ago.  His first and only.  It is the shirt he was wearing when he was killed.  I committed to this back in December.  The emotional and physical toll the training has taken on my body and mind is just overwhelming.  I have questioned my decision countless times.  I have only been running since September. I have never run before that. .  A half marathon, 13.1 miles, is a very ambitious goal for a beginner but this is just not any half. It is Buddy's half marathon.  So, despite my own questions in regards to my ability to finish, I am doing it.  I can tell you this..I am terrified. I am so scared that I feel physically ill. I am scared I wont finish. I am scared of letting myself and others down.  I try to just keep my children and friends faces in my mind..I envision seeing their faces as I run towards the finish line. I long for many of my loved ones to be there waiting for me, and I am so sad that they can't, but I am grateful for those who can.

Crossing that finish line will be the most amazing feeling.  I cannot wait to experience it. So, I am asking you, my readers, to please lift my name up in prayers this week. I know the power of prayer is great and powerful. I know many of you don't know me so it may seem strange, but please, ask God to just allow me to finish this race. Not just my half marathon, but my own personal race of healing.  Surviving the death of my husband as a whole. 

Here is what I know....

When you are at your "breaking point" or "rock bottom", there are still people who love you and need you.  There is still hope in a beautiful future.  Love is a powerful emotion.  I've learned it comes in many many forms.  I know I am loved and I know I am good at loving others.  I know that this weekend will prove to be one of my biggest trials, but I also know I can and will do it.  I know I am strong, and slightly (ok...maybe a little more than slightly) stubborn.  I know that I want to show my children, just as their daddy did, if you set your mind to accomplish something, you will! I know without a doubt that I am blessed. I have friends and family in my life who love and support me in ways I cannot even tell you. Sometimes it is a 3 hour phone call late at night. Sometimes it is flying all the way from Utah to just be here. Sometimes it is driving from Arizona to again, just be here.  Sometimes it is seeing me at my weakest and most vulnerable moments. Sometimes it is sitting on my bed with me and watching me just cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes it is helping my get dressed because I am physically too weak to do it myself.  Sometimes it is a note in the mail to just say "You and your children have not been forgotten." Sometimes it is a text message just to say "I love you!".  Sometimes it is a song someone sends me because they know what music really means to me.  Sometimes it is just standing at the finish line of a race with smiles and some tears on your face.  Those are the moments I will never forget. The people who love me the most and I, in return love them the most. What I know is that I am blessed.  So, as I run this weekend, I will run for Buddy, I will run for my kids, I will run for anyone and everyone who has ever supported me, especially these past 9 months, but mostly, I will run for me...I got this!

Rock Bottom

The past few weeks have been nothing short of awful.  It has just been rough. February 21, was the 8 month mark. For some reason, it hit all 5 of us like a ton of bricks!! Especially Rachel and I.  Not sure why but it did. I will not speak for Rachel or elobrate on how she feels only because it is not my place. She, much like me, is a very private person. However, I write on here because 1. It helps to get some of these feelings out there and 2. I want my children to have my story in print one day.

I cannot explain how I feel. I am more sad than I have been in months. It's like it is just dawning on me. This is my new life. Trying to get thoughts from my head, to this page sometimes proves to be very difficult.  Many things I just choose not to share and others, I just don't quite know how to say so that others can understand. Last week, on the 21st, I hit what those closest to me, and my counselor, are calling "rock bottom." Not sure how one tells when that is or what may classify me as hitting it but I trust all aforementioned people so I will just take their word for it. Am I still at rock bottom? No...I am digging my way up and out. Trying to at least.  A very dear friend of mine told me today that she thinks it is so hard for me to comprehend the magnitude of our situation because I am in survival mode. Not only for myself, but for my children.  She said that from an outsider, it is truly one of the saddest things she has ever seen or heard her entire life. I suppose that is true. When I sit back and just try and put it all in perspective, it is crushing. So I just flat out don't.

Today was Garrison's basketball Special Olympics competition. These are always tricky. Garrison is not the best at taking anything but a gold. I know most kids are not great at losing, but this is on a different level. You have no idea how bad it is, until you have been there and witnessed it. It would rip your heart out. After he competed, we sat and sat and sat. We waited for the awards to be given. I felt sick. All the time, in my head, I was begging Buddy to please make it possible for Garrison to win the Gold. I just didn't think I could emotionally handle him losing it. When they said his name, and a gold medal, tears filled my eyes. I screamed and yelled and Garrison was beaming. He kissed his medal over and over. My mind quickly went back to April 21...2 months before Buddy died. Garrison had gotten 4th place in the softball throw and had lost it. He was crushed. He screamed and yelled and sobbed. I sobbed with him. It was so hard to watch. Buddy couldn't be there for it. He came later, in time for the running. Garrison took Gold. As Garrison was walking to the awards area, he looked over at Buddy and yelled "Dad! Say That's My Boy!". With tears streaming down Buddy's face, he yelled back "That's my boy!"

 

At my counseling session the other day, I was telling my counselor how sometimes it is so hard for others to understand that it is the little things that hurt the most..Natalie lost her tooth the other night in her sleep. I cried because Buddy wasn't here to witness the loss of her first tooth. I told him how badly that hurt. He said that many people think only of the "firsts" as holidays, birthdays and major events. However, the "firsts" are a list longer than you can imagine. They will happen for years to come.  When those things happen, I often hear "Buddy was there with you" or "He was watching from above". I know people just don't know what to say and are only trying to help and I sincerely appreciate that but the fact of the matter is, the kids and I just want to scream when we hear that. It's not even close to the same. We want him PHYSICALLY here. (I just read that part to Rachel and she said "Yes! Exactly! You took the words right out of my mouth mom!) Like I said, we appreciate others kindness and desire to bring us comfort but I assure you, those words don't. They only hurt more. They are stark reminders that we will never see him on this earth ever again.

A part of me went with Buddy on June 21, 2012. In the past 8 months, I have changed so much. I have had to. I didn't choose this. I literally woke up to it one morning. Some days, I feel like I look in the mirror and don't even recognize myself any more. I look a lot more tired, and some days, I just look worn and sad.  I am not walking around moping all day every day. Far from it. But, this is a journey and part of this journey is figuring myself out. That can be a very scary thing. When you are married for 15 years, you become so much a part of your spouse and your spouse becomes a huge part of you. Cheesy sounding, I know, but it is the truth. So a huge part of me died on that day. The core of who I am is still the same. Now I just have to figure out how to be just Heather. The new Heather that has encompassed my body. This, again, is a time when it is really hard to get words from my head to my mouth. I can't explain it. Just know that I am trying very hard, EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I talk to Buddy a lot. I tell him about good things, sad things, happy things, memories, and sometimes I just cry to him. I am certain he misses us. I don't doubt that for a minute. I hope his pain as a spiritual being is no where near the pain we are suffering here as humans.  It's more intense than I can even explain. It is physical. I will literally ache from head to toe on my worst days. I will lay on my bed, on my floor, on the bathroom floor, on the kitchen floor, on the shower floor, in my car and literally beg for it to stop. It's not pretty. However, I am reminded that it is necessary. It is a part of the process. So I will endure it and push through it to one day, come out on the other side, a happier and stronger Heather.

Here is what I know:

I am strong. I am pretty sure I have said that before but I know I am. If I wasn't, I would have called it quits a long time ago. I know I am going to get through this. I know that Buddy is near (so please don't feel the need to remind me).  I know there are lot's of  "firsts" to be endured but we WILL endure them, with style, if we have any say on the matter. :)  I know that I am blessed beyond words. I am amazed every single day at the people who I am blessed to have in my life. They come from all over the US. Arizona, Utah, California, Georgia, Alabama, Nebraska, and Texas.  Some are family, some are friends and some are friends who are now family. I know Buddy has placed some of you in my life since he left and I thank him every day for that. I don't want to think of my life without any of these people. Thank you for loving me and blessing my life. Please know I love you more than I can ever say or express. 

Here is what I am asking:

Patience. Have patience with me. Don't question me. Know that every single decision I make, is one I need to make, right or wrong. I am going to make mistakes. Just like you will. I won't judge or ridicule you so please don't do that to me. Understand that there is no "right way" to mourn someone. Every single person does it differently. I am no exception to that rule. I am doing it the only way I can. Don't feel awkward around me. Feel free to talk to me, hug me, tell me we are in your thoughts and prayers. I need to feel that love. I know people are uncomfortable coming up to me. Please don't be. I need to feel that love. Don't question my readiness for things. If I am not ready, I won't do it. Please don't think you know whats best for me and my children more than I do. Please don't mistake my tears for depression or my smiles for happiness. Both emotions can be VERY misleading.  Please keep us in your prayers. I especially ask that for my children. I am not quite sure about my relationship with God right now, or His care or concern for me, but I don't doubt his care and concern for my kids. So please beg and plead to Him on my children's behalf.  Love my children. They need it. The know without a doubt that their mama loves them. We are extremely close and have gotten even closer, but they need love from lots of people right now. We LOVE to talk about Buddy to others. So don't hesitate to talk to us about him. We welcome it. 

I hope each and every one of you reading this blog right now, knows how much it means to me that you read it. I hope it helps you a least a little. I know it helps me tremendously to write it. I would love to hear from you. Your thoughts and encouraging words help us in ways you can't imagine. We got this!