W.I.D.O.W

I wonder how I got here. How did I get to this point in my life?  I'm a 35 year old widow with 4 beautiful babies. I stop here to look over that word widow, trying to digest it. It's a shock to my system every time I see it or say it. Like myself, I am sure that most of you have always thought of a widow as a much older woman in her 80's or 90's, rather than someone my age. As I read in a book a short time ago, being a widow makes you a part of a very small and elite club. Being a young widow?  Well that club gets much smaller. So over the past 14 months, I've come to terms with this description of myself. So now, I wonder, what do I do with it?  Well, I've decided that I'm going to use the word "widow" to empower not only myself, but hopefully each of my readers.

W- Willpower! We have, even though at times it may not feel like we do, willpower. We have a very strong desire to succeed and survive. There are days where we feel defeated and struggle to find that willpower, but it's there!  It's been very eye opening to me how little accomplishments have come to bring me so much joy!  That is willpower at its finest. When I have a difficult day, its as simple as "I cooked all three meals today!  We didn't eat out once!"  I had the willpower and drive to cook for my family. On the roughest days, that's a very big deal. 14 months later and family dinners still bring a little sadness to our lives, but I feel they are important so we try very hard to do them as often as we can. Pushing through things that hurt, that's willpower!!!

I- Imperfect! Widows are perfectly imperfect. We are going to make mistakes. We are going to make right decisions and wrong decisions. We are forced to change just about every single thing in our lives. We have no clue what we are doing. I can tell you honestly that I have said and done things I never thought I would. Both good and bad. I've had many heartfelt and encouraging and beautiful things said and done for me since Buddy died but I've also had many cruel and judgmental things come my way as well. I know I'm not only speaking for myself when I say " I'm doing the very best I can!"  We, just as you, are imperfect.

D- Determined! Widows are very determined! We are determined to show others that we are strong!  We are determined to hold it together. We are determined to make others proud of us. We are determined to help not just our children heal, but anyone and everyone who has been affected by our husbands death, to heal. We are determined to heal ourselves but only after we know everyone else to be ok. We are determined to one day, not have to "fake it until you make it!"  We are determined to smile and truly feel happy again. We are determined to succeed!

O- OK! Widows are, or in some cases, will be, OK!  It's going to take time. We ask for a lot of patience and understanding. Remember, every widow is different. We have all suffered a loss but just as our losses are different, so is the mourning process we are forced to go through. In the situation where we have lost our spouses in the exact same way, we still hurt and eventually heal in very different time frames. So please! Be patient and understanding!

W- Warrior!  Widows are warriors! I currently have a favorite song called "Warrior" by Demi Lavato. If you haven't heard it, please listen to it. It's beautiful. Widows fight many many battles that many don't know about. Between our sorrow, our jobs, our children (not to mention, helping them through their sorrow), yes! Widows are indeed warriors!

Here is what I know...

As I write this, I'm sure that every widow who may stumble across my blog may not agree with this acronym. Maybe they think I'm crazy. I want to make this clear...every single widow has each of these traits somewhere inside of themselves. As for myself, I have willpower, I'm imperfect, I'm very determined, I AM going to be OK, and I am a warrior!  I am fighting for myself and for my children. They need me and I need them. Fighting for your kids is a tall order and most of the time feels overwhelming but I also know I am capable. I know God has deemed me strong enough to do just that. God has put many different people and things in my life since Buddy's death. Some have only been for a short season, and others for a long long time. I'm grateful for each of those. Currently, one of my biggest blessings is my new job.

Two weeks ago, I started a job as a special education teachers aide at Kimbo and Natalie's elementary school. This job has been an unbelievable blessing to me for many reasons. Not only is it helping us financially, it allows me to be on the same schedule as my children,  but more importantly, it is helping me so much emotionally. It keeps me occupied, it helps me feel needed, it helps me to feel as though I'm making a difference. Before my job, I was indeed very busy but it was, what I felt, without a purpose. This incredible opportunity has saved me in many ways.

I always felt that my children and I could have a bright and happy future. After looking deep into myself, and defining what being a widow means to me, I KNOW we have a very bright future indeed!!