Our First Holiday....

Buddy loved to take his kids trick or treating. He never missed it. Last year, we were out for about 3 hours, with the wagon so we could carry it all. The kids were participating in a contest where if they brought all of their candy into the orthodontist, he would pay you $1 a pound! So Buddy and Kimbo were on a mission. It paid off, literally, as they cashed in about $30 worth of candy! It was a very fun Halloween. Buddy just loved watching his kids have fun and smile.

I was dreading tonight as it would be our first official holiday without him here. I laid in bed last night and tossed and turned just thinking about it. But then, I ended up having a great day. No particular reason (well maybe a few that I don't want to share) but I just felt good all day. Then tonight..well lets just say what AMAZING friends we have been blessed with. They all came over, we ate A TON of pizza and salad and then headed out! Our kids tore up the neighborhood. Laurie and Angela and their families came and then Andrew and Jessica and my Kinley girl came. It was so incredible to have them walking the streets with me. They provided me with a strength and comfort that I cannot explain. I guarantee they had no idea how much it helped me or meant to me to have them there.

I asked Rachel at one point "Rachel, do you think daddy is right here with us walking these streets?" She said "Oh yes mom! For sure he is!" I know he was! He wouldn't miss it for anything! His physical presence was sorely missed but I know he was there, with me and our babies!

My mom and Leroy stayed here, handed out candy and hung out with Garrison. How blessed I am to have their love and support! They have been such troopers since they have been here. They knew this would be a rough night for me! I am so grateful and blessed to have them in my life. No words to express my love for them.

So, 1 holiday down..2 more big ones to go. So much dread and sadness consumes me when I think of celebrating those without him physically here but just like everything else, I will push through and do everything I can to make my kids smile!

Heavy Heart

I never know when it will be a good day or a bad day. I strive to make every single day a great day. I truly do, however, sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Some days, I just need to be sad. Sometimes it is just a minute or two, but sometimes, I can't shake it no matter what. I never know what is going to trigger it either. I can be out running or walking in the grocery store and BAM!! I think "Buddy is gone!" and it feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach.

When something like this happens, you have no idea what to do with yourself. You have no answers. You desperately want them but you know you will never have them. You think and want to do things one way but it doesn't always happen that way.  I can tell you that my most difficult times are at night and first thing in the morning. Going to bed, alone, is more painful than I can even begin to express. It is a cold, lonely feeling that is all consuming.  Waking up in the morning, you think "Can I face another day alone, without him?" I lay there and think of my kids and what my day holds..I just want to stay in that bed and not face it. But I know I have to and in many ways I want to. I want to do anything and everything I can to make the pain stop. Laying in bed will not do that...

Sometimes, in my most private moments, I lay on the bathroom floor, or sit in the shower, or lay on my bed curled up in a ball, or sit on the couch and stare at the wall and just cry. My whole body shakes and I ache in ways you cannot even imagine. Sometimes I yell. I yell at God, I yell at myself. I beg Buddy to come back. I beg God for some relief from the pain. I beg God to help me to be happy and to help me to make my kids happy. I do a lot of begging..for any relief possible. Nobody ever gets to witness those moments..they are for me only. I shared every detail of my thoughts and feelings with Buddy. He is not here so nobody gets to hear them. One day I am sure someone will but for now, I keep them to myself.

I know I share a lot on Facebook, and a lot on this blog and I am very grateful for that opportunity. However, there is no way people can get the whole picture through those two outlets.  Of course I am going to post pictures of me smiling and I am going to post that I am going to lunch with some of my friends or getting my nails done. I don't do this to try and tell people I am better or that I am healed. I do this because it is who I am. I am pushing through and I want those who cannot be here with me to know I am OK. I do it to let those who do not see me everyday to know what I am up to because it is impossible for me to communicate with everyone individually. You will never see the sad pictures. You will only see the smiles. Some are real, some are there just for show. Only I know what I feel and what I am going through..it truly is Hell. No other way to put it.

I can only imagine how much Buddy misses us. That is the one of the most difficult thoughts I have. It is the one thought that will instantly reduce me to tears. I know he sees us hurting and even though he has a different understanding now, he still loves us and doesn't want us to hurt. I know he wants the kids and I happy. We had many, many conversations about what we would do if the other died. I know what his wishes for me were.

I know Buddy has put very specific people in my life since he passed. I have friends as close as 2 streets away. I have friends as far away as Alabama and California. Some of these friends have been in my life since birth, some have been in my life since I moved to Texas and some have been in my life for only a few months but I know without a doubt, they are all there for a reason. Those most recent were placed there by Buddy. I am certain of it. I am incredibly grateful for them. Without them, I am not quite sure how I would have made it through.  I don't necessarily call them, they just show up, or call me. It seems they have a radar on when I need them.  My family is the same. How blessed I am for all of their love. Their countless emails, Facebook messages, text messages..they are just amazing! I am overwhelmed by their love and patience with me.

I don't know what I am doing. I only know that I will get out of bed every day. I will continue to run. I will continue to love my kids and do everything I can to make them smile and be happy. I will continue to love my family and my friends. I will continue to miss Buddy. I will miss everything about him. I will miss his voice, his laugh, his way of making me laugh, his touch, his patience, his support, his guidance, his advice and most of all, his undying love for me. I know I still have that but it is all so different now.

I will be OK. I promise I will. I am moving on and most days moving up! Life is good and I am blessed.

Why Do I Run?

Buddy always said he didn't necessarily love to run but instead, loved the effects running had on him mentally and physically allowing him to lose weight. It never ceased to amaze me how he would drag himself out of bed as early as 4:00 in the morning some times, just so he could run. I never got it. He would tell me I should run as well and I tried it for like 3 days and hated it. I gave up. Still I sat in marvel at how he pushed through and ran almost every day.  2 months ago, I felt a strong impression to start running. I know for a fact it was Buddy telling me to give it a go. I tried it and fell in love immediately.  I am obsessed with it now. If I go a day without running, I feel sick to my stomach. I just feel down and discouraged.

Running is my Heather and Buddy time. I noticed a few weeks ago, that I run on the left side of the sidewalk. Most people, when running alone, run down the center of it. It dawned on me that I do that because I feel like Buddy runs with me. I have had some of my most awesome experiences with Buddy since I started running. Experiences that are too precious and personal to even share.

 I put my ipod on and crank it up loud. I love music. It is so healing to me. It says what I cannot. Every single song on my running list has meaning to me. Every song makes me think of someone in my life..not just Buddy but others who have been there for me these past 18 weeks.  Sometimes, like today, I cry..a lot. Other times, I laugh, or just think. I think about my future, I think about my past. I think about what Buddy was thinking during his final run.  I think about people, places and a lot about my kids. I think about my feelings. I think about myself and my fears, concerns and happy thoughts. A lot of my thoughts are based on what song happens to come on.

I have always struggled with my self esteem. Since I can remember actually. Running has helped me with that. It has helped me feel more confident and secure with myself. I am not aiming to look like a super model but I do like the effects it has on my body. I like that no matter what kind of morning I am having, no matter what, I ALWAYS feel better when I get home and know that I have run. I laugh when I hear people say that they could never be a runner because they hate running..oh if they only knew me! Nobody on this planet hated running more than I did. I do know what it meant to my husband though and in a lot of ways, I feel like I am doing it to honor him. I do it to make him proud of me.

I will be forever grateful for his example and inspiration to me. He knew I needed running to help me survive his death. It has helped me so much. It has truly changed my life. I know I will never win any races or beat any big records but that is not my goal. My goal is to be healthy and strong for my kids, to feel good about myself emotionally and physically and to have a way for my husbands legacy to live on. So far, I think I am doing just that.

Prayers For My Special Boy

 This post tonight was going to be about something else but I opted to talk about what is so heavy on my heart..my sweet 13 year old son Garrison. Today at his counseling appointment, he told the counselor, and me, that he was scared he was going to die and that I was going to die. He had tears in his eyes.  I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say "I am not going anywhere" because I can't promise him that. I told him I know he was scared but that our Heavenly Father is going to take care of us. I talked with him on my way to take him to school and asked him questions about his dad like what he missed doing with him. His answer? "Camping with my dad! And you mom."  That made me smile. Buddy loved few things more in this life than camping with his sweet boy!

Tonight, we had some friends over for pizza and Kimbo walks into the kitchen and says "Mom, something is wrong with Garrison! He is in his room crying!" I quickly go and see what is going on. I walk in there, see his eyes filled with tears and my heart drops. I knew the answer even before I asked "What's wrong son?" He says "I want dad to come back!" Again, how do I respond to that? I told him "I know son. I do too. We just miss him so much don't we?" We hugged and cried together. Because Garrison is Autistic, it makes it all the more difficult for him and me.

As a mother, I feel helpless. I look into the faces of my children and know, that inside they are heartbroken, sad and scared. I get angry because they deserve to have their daddy here. Buddy was an AMAZING husband and man but most of all, he was an INCREDIBLE father. He was in love with his children. He would rather come home and play with his kids or go out as a family than do anything else in the world. We didn't have many date nights because we would rather be with our kids than alone.

My heart breaks every day for my kids. I don't know how to help them other than to just love them. I tell them it is okay to be mad and sad. I tell them it isn't fair that this has happened but I also tell them that we are strong and we will get through this. Within minutes of the police arriving at our home that awful morning, I promised my kids, right there in front of everyone, that I would make their lives amazing and wonderful. I promised them that I would make their daddy proud of me. I vow to do just that. I will continue to help them as much as I can.  I know I cannot take their deep sorrow away. Even though I lost my dad and suffered greatly from that loss, I cannot image what they are going through.  I cannot comprehend what they are feeling. I will continue to pray for them, love them, and be here for them, every step of the way. They are #1 in my life.

Please pray for my sweet boy as he needs to feel the strength of those prayers right now.

Glory Days

Yesterday, October 13, was an incredibly special day..Both Rachel and Kimbo had softball games. Their games were being played at the exact same time so I stood by a picnic area that was smack dab in between their two fields so I could watch both games and try not to miss a thing.  For those who don't know, Kimbo plays catcher and outfield and Rachel plays pitcher and 1st base.  Softball is still very hard for us. It is such a huge part of our lives but without Buddy, it has been very emotional and difficult for all of us. Part of us dreads practices and games because Daddy isn't visibly there with us. However, it does bring us comfort and happiness to just be at the ball fields.

Kimbo LOVES playing catcher. She is awesome at it and she works very very hard at it. Buddy and I have been working so hard with her on being able to throw a runner out who is stealing a base. She has attempted a few times but never quite been able to do it...That all changed yesterday. A runner was stealing third and Kimbo stood up, like a pro, hurled that ball to third right into the third baseman's glove and OUT!!! It was so awesome! I will never forget the look on her face. She started jumping up and down and I got teary eyed as I was bursting with pride. After the game she was beside herself with happiness and said she just knew her daddy had helped her make that stellar play. I know she was exactly right!

Rachel played a double header. Fortuately I was able to sit and watch her entire second game. She was the starting pitcher and as she was on the mound, I noticed she was struggling both with her pitches and her emotions. She just looked so sad. As she came off of the field, I noticed she had tears in her eyes. Now, my girls are not ones to cry if they do not perform well on the field so I knew that wasn't it. I immediately go to the dug out and asked her what was wrong. She told me she missed her dad. I told her to come out of the dug out and she came right into my arms and just burst into tears. She said "Mom, I miss him so much. It just hurts so bad."  My heart broke. Rachel doesn't lose it often and most certainly not in public. She is a lot like me in that way. We like to keep that side of us private. I held her and just cried with her. We talked about how much we hate it when people tell us "your dad is here" because to us he just isn't. We cant physically see him so it is not the same. She said "I get so sick of hearing that. I need to see him, I need to KNOW he is here." The coach hollered over to us that she was on deck. I told her to go out and smack the heck out of that ball. I said "I am here Rachel. You can do it!" Like a real team player, she puts her helmet on, grabs her bat and heads out onto the field.  She gets up to the plate and smacks the living crap out of that ball. It went flying out to right field..almost to the fence! A triple!! Her best hit EVER!! She stole home, ran into the dug out and through the fence, she said through tears "Mom! He is here with me! I felt him!" We both sobbed!!

Throughout the last 3 1/2 months, I have felt Buddy's presence many, many times. I have had some very spiritual conversations with him. I do know he is near us. I will say yesterday was by far my most intense experience with him though.  Seeing my girls smile and know without a shadow of a doubt that their daddy was near was something I will cherish forever. We miss Buddy more than anyone can even understand but we also know that happy moments are here and more will happen in the future. We know he is making many of those happy moments possible for us. I know that he personally has a hand in those moments.

A Whole New Life

Just like that! I went to bed a happily married mother of 4. When I closed my eyes that night, I had been married for 14 1/2 amazing years. I had found happiness that many others only dream about. Sure it wasn't a perfect marriage but it was a blessed, and happy one. When I awoke the next morning little did I know, as my feet hit the floor and I walked to my computer to check my email, my entire universe was seconds away from crumbling.  If I knew that night, I would wake up a widow, I would never had closed my eyes. I would have held him in my arms and begged for him to not go running. I would have loved him one last time. I would have laid in his arms and felt safe..one last time. There will come a time when I can sit and tell you what I experienced that morning..or maybe there wont. For now, I will simply share what I know and what I don't know...

I know I was and am blessed.
I know what my husband and I had was rare and special.
I know I am not perfect
I know I have a long road ahead of me
I know that you think you know what you will do if this were to happen to you
I know you will do nothing that you thought you would when this does happen to you
I know Buddy loved me
I know I loved Buddy..deeply
I know I still do
I know I am and will continue to be a good mom
I know I am trying
I know I am misunderstood
I know I hold back
I know I am private
I know I am sad
I know I am grateful
I know I push people away
I know my heart is broken
I know Buddy wants me happy
I know there are some people who love me in-spite of what I have gone through.
I know I am a different person today
I know I want my life back
I know I am more scared than I have ever been
I know I am mad as hell
I know I will be OK

What I don't know...
 
I don't know why..why the hell did this happen to my already very happy family
I don't know why people are mad at me..don't they know I am living in hell?
I don't know what the hell I am doing
I don't know why I keep saying hell..
I don't know what my future holds
I don't know if anyone will ever want me
I don't know how to help my kids
I don't know the "right way" to do all of this
I don't know why it still physically hurts so bad
I don't know if I will ever recover
I don't know if my kids will ever recover
I don't know why people have taken advantage of me and my situation
I don't know why I have been blessed with such amazing friends and family..I don't deserve them
I don't know where to go from here...

Stay tuned....