A Whole New Life

Just like that! I went to bed a happily married mother of 4. When I closed my eyes that night, I had been married for 14 1/2 amazing years. I had found happiness that many others only dream about. Sure it wasn't a perfect marriage but it was a blessed, and happy one. When I awoke the next morning little did I know, as my feet hit the floor and I walked to my computer to check my email, my entire universe was seconds away from crumbling.  If I knew that night, I would wake up a widow, I would never had closed my eyes. I would have held him in my arms and begged for him to not go running. I would have loved him one last time. I would have laid in his arms and felt safe..one last time. There will come a time when I can sit and tell you what I experienced that morning..or maybe there wont. For now, I will simply share what I know and what I don't know...

I know I was and am blessed.
I know what my husband and I had was rare and special.
I know I am not perfect
I know I have a long road ahead of me
I know that you think you know what you will do if this were to happen to you
I know you will do nothing that you thought you would when this does happen to you
I know Buddy loved me
I know I loved Buddy..deeply
I know I still do
I know I am and will continue to be a good mom
I know I am trying
I know I am misunderstood
I know I hold back
I know I am private
I know I am sad
I know I am grateful
I know I push people away
I know my heart is broken
I know Buddy wants me happy
I know there are some people who love me in-spite of what I have gone through.
I know I am a different person today
I know I want my life back
I know I am more scared than I have ever been
I know I am mad as hell
I know I will be OK

What I don't know...
 
I don't know why..why the hell did this happen to my already very happy family
I don't know why people are mad at me..don't they know I am living in hell?
I don't know what the hell I am doing
I don't know why I keep saying hell..
I don't know what my future holds
I don't know if anyone will ever want me
I don't know how to help my kids
I don't know the "right way" to do all of this
I don't know why it still physically hurts so bad
I don't know if I will ever recover
I don't know if my kids will ever recover
I don't know why people have taken advantage of me and my situation
I don't know why I have been blessed with such amazing friends and family..I don't deserve them
I don't know where to go from here...

Stay tuned....