This post tonight was going to be about something else but I opted to talk about what is so heavy on my heart..my sweet 13 year old son Garrison. Today at his counseling appointment, he told the counselor, and me, that he was scared he was going to die and that I was going to die. He had tears in his eyes. I didn't know what to say. I couldn't say "I am not going anywhere" because I can't promise him that. I told him I know he was scared but that our Heavenly Father is going to take care of us. I talked with him on my way to take him to school and asked him questions about his dad like what he missed doing with him. His answer? "Camping with my dad! And you mom." That made me smile. Buddy loved few things more in this life than camping with his sweet boy!
Tonight, we had some friends over for pizza and Kimbo walks into the kitchen and says "Mom, something is wrong with Garrison! He is in his room crying!" I quickly go and see what is going on. I walk in there, see his eyes filled with tears and my heart drops. I knew the answer even before I asked "What's wrong son?" He says "I want dad to come back!" Again, how do I respond to that? I told him "I know son. I do too. We just miss him so much don't we?" We hugged and cried together. Because Garrison is Autistic, it makes it all the more difficult for him and me.
As a mother, I feel helpless. I look into the faces of my children and know, that inside they are heartbroken, sad and scared. I get angry because they deserve to have their daddy here. Buddy was an AMAZING husband and man but most of all, he was an INCREDIBLE father. He was in love with his children. He would rather come home and play with his kids or go out as a family than do anything else in the world. We didn't have many date nights because we would rather be with our kids than alone.
My heart breaks every day for my kids. I don't know how to help them other than to just love them. I tell them it is okay to be mad and sad. I tell them it isn't fair that this has happened but I also tell them that we are strong and we will get through this. Within minutes of the police arriving at our home that awful morning, I promised my kids, right there in front of everyone, that I would make their lives amazing and wonderful. I promised them that I would make their daddy proud of me. I vow to do just that. I will continue to help them as much as I can. I know I cannot take their deep sorrow away. Even though I lost my dad and suffered greatly from that loss, I cannot image what they are going through. I cannot comprehend what they are feeling. I will continue to pray for them, love them, and be here for them, every step of the way. They are #1 in my life.
Please pray for my sweet boy as he needs to feel the strength of those prayers right now.
3 comments:
I love you all so very much! We pray for you daily and will continue to do so. I will specifically be praying for sweet Garrison. You ARE making their lives amazing. So proud of you!
Always in my prayers. Hugs to Garrison and to the rest of you.
"I don't know how to help them other than to just love them." I think that's all you can do. There will be so many hard moments, milestones, and just plain missing him. I hope that counseling and talking will help them keep Buddy alive in their heart even though I'm sure it isn't the same. I think the best thing you are doing is allowing them to feel how they feel and not supressing it. Good job letting them be sad, or mad, or even happy, and letting them know it is OK. They're great kids.
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