Self Discovery

Sorry it has been a few weeks but life has been a little rougher than usual.  Since I don't typically hold much back in these posts I will tell you all that during my complete "hitting rock bottom" day, I lost it. As my friend Angela put it "I saw you giving up for the first time." I really did. That day, February 20,  I truly felt I just couldn't go on.  Now, I have most certainly had those feelings at other times in my life but this time was much different.  I felt the life being sucked out of me. I thought, "If I just lay here and cry, I will surely die of a broken heart." I took a shower, and my daughter Rachel sent my dear friend Angela a text message that she was worried about me as she could hear the sobs coming from me through the walls.  Angela came almost immediately. I was so out of it. It was almost worse than the actual day that Buddy was killed. Angela called in a favor and got me into a new counselor the very next morning. She stayed there with me, helped me dress, helped put makeup on me and helped me do my hair. We then went to a planned birthday party with all of our families and kids. I don't remember much of that night.  I do know that Angela's husband asked Angela if I was ok because I looked awful. I went to the counselor the next morning, even though I told Angela I wasn't going. She came to my house and forced me to go. She would have literally drug me if she needed to. 

This new counselor has been wonderful. He has made me realize many things but has also got me thinking so much. He has given me counsel and advice that has helped me in ways I cannot explain. So, on this path of  discovering the new Heather that I am just now learning about, I am growing and learning in ways I cannot explain.  I hope to never, ever, ever revisit a day like the one I did when I hit my rock bottom...but, If I do, how blessed I am to know that I have friends and family, near and far, that will be here to pick me up. Thank you Angela for saving me that day. I realize I would not have physically died that day but I am not sure just how I would have mentally survived without YOU! I love you so very much.

I am not entirely sure why I am sharing this with y'all. My only thought is that maybe, just maybe, one of you needed to hear that not only do you have dark days and moments, but I do too. I want people to believe in me and know that I am strong..not because I put a smile on my face or am constantly trying to be positive, but because I can and will hit rock bottom, maybe even more than once, but that I will also overcome those moments. I want people to realize that even in my darkest hours, I believe there is hope and there is light, no matter how faint it may be. 

This coming Sunday, on March 24, I will run my first half marathon.  Buddy ran this same one 2 years ago.  His first and only.  It is the shirt he was wearing when he was killed.  I committed to this back in December.  The emotional and physical toll the training has taken on my body and mind is just overwhelming.  I have questioned my decision countless times.  I have only been running since September. I have never run before that. .  A half marathon, 13.1 miles, is a very ambitious goal for a beginner but this is just not any half. It is Buddy's half marathon.  So, despite my own questions in regards to my ability to finish, I am doing it.  I can tell you this..I am terrified. I am so scared that I feel physically ill. I am scared I wont finish. I am scared of letting myself and others down.  I try to just keep my children and friends faces in my mind..I envision seeing their faces as I run towards the finish line. I long for many of my loved ones to be there waiting for me, and I am so sad that they can't, but I am grateful for those who can.

Crossing that finish line will be the most amazing feeling.  I cannot wait to experience it. So, I am asking you, my readers, to please lift my name up in prayers this week. I know the power of prayer is great and powerful. I know many of you don't know me so it may seem strange, but please, ask God to just allow me to finish this race. Not just my half marathon, but my own personal race of healing.  Surviving the death of my husband as a whole. 

Here is what I know....

When you are at your "breaking point" or "rock bottom", there are still people who love you and need you.  There is still hope in a beautiful future.  Love is a powerful emotion.  I've learned it comes in many many forms.  I know I am loved and I know I am good at loving others.  I know that this weekend will prove to be one of my biggest trials, but I also know I can and will do it.  I know I am strong, and slightly (ok...maybe a little more than slightly) stubborn.  I know that I want to show my children, just as their daddy did, if you set your mind to accomplish something, you will! I know without a doubt that I am blessed. I have friends and family in my life who love and support me in ways I cannot even tell you. Sometimes it is a 3 hour phone call late at night. Sometimes it is flying all the way from Utah to just be here. Sometimes it is driving from Arizona to again, just be here.  Sometimes it is seeing me at my weakest and most vulnerable moments. Sometimes it is sitting on my bed with me and watching me just cry uncontrollably.  Sometimes it is helping my get dressed because I am physically too weak to do it myself.  Sometimes it is a note in the mail to just say "You and your children have not been forgotten." Sometimes it is a text message just to say "I love you!".  Sometimes it is a song someone sends me because they know what music really means to me.  Sometimes it is just standing at the finish line of a race with smiles and some tears on your face.  Those are the moments I will never forget. The people who love me the most and I, in return love them the most. What I know is that I am blessed.  So, as I run this weekend, I will run for Buddy, I will run for my kids, I will run for anyone and everyone who has ever supported me, especially these past 9 months, but mostly, I will run for me...I got this!