Judgement Day?

As I sit down to type this, I don't really even know what I am going to write about. I just feel I need to write. I have a million different thoughts in my head and trying to get them from there to here can indeed prove to be very difficult. I never ever want to sound negative or over dramatic so I typically weigh my thoughts VERY carefully before ever sitting down to my computer. Hopefully by the end of this post, you will be enlightened.

The fact of the matter is tonight is just a rough night. Regardless of what you may read on my blog or my Facebook, I am a private person. I leave much of my life out of the public forum especially these past 7 months. It may be shocking for some of you to learn but I have been judged in ways you cannot imagine. I don't tell any of you that to have you say poor Heather. In fact, I don't ever want those words to come out of your mouths. I only share it to defend myself. I don't think I should have to but you do tend to get to a breaking point where you just can't take one more comment.

I have been  through things the past 7 months that people cannot imagine. Some of those things are clearly very obvious, others not so much. I have changed a lot in the past 7 months but mostly because I have had to. I haven't had a choice.  And that is ok. that is why we are given trials in this life. To learn and grow. I will not ever say I am doing everything right. I will not even pretend I know what I am doing. But, I am trying. I am trying every single day to be a great mom and a good person. I see the smiles on my children's faces, hear the laughter in their voices and that tells me I must surely be doing something right. I am most certainly making mistakes. I, just as you in your daily life, am entitled to make those mistakes. Please, instead of judging me or questioning me, just love me, pray for me and have some faith in me.

I will tell you this...You always think you know what you will do when something happens to you..I assure you..YOU DON'T. When it is YOUR life instead of someone else's, it is suddenly different. You cannot comprehend the things you will think and feel until it is you facing it. I still sit here at times and am in complete disbelief that this has happened to me and my children. It doesn't seem real or even possible. However, it is the hand I have been dealt and I am bound and determined to make the best life possible for my children and I. 

It's funny how many people question things you do. Dating for example..People want to know if I am really ready for that. This is my answer. Nobody can see into my mind and my heart. I will not do anything I do not feel ready for. If and when I am out on a date, I assure you I will be ready.

Moving is another great example. I know that to many, me staying in Texas, far away from family may not make sense to you but it does to me and my kids. We love it here. This is our home for now. I don't know where our future will take us but for now, we are here. I will not move until I have a reason to. Weather that is God telling me it is time or a job or even a relationship is the reason. I will not move until I feel it is without a doubt the right thing for my children and myself.

I have had some amazing experiences these past few weeks. Some I have shared with you and others I have not. I am grateful beyond words for each of those experiences. Some have been very hard, while others have been nothing but heartwarming and joyful. I have met people some amazing people and had some wonderful and enlightening conversations. I am so grateful for each of those moments and each of those people.

I want to thank all of you for your love, support and prayers. It has not been an easy road and has most certainly been Hell. However, there have also been very beautiful moments that I will always cherish. Thank you for all of the feedback I have received on my blog. I am always shocked and amazed at the messages I get of how much my blog has impacted many of your lives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. They mean more than you know. 

This is what I know...

I love Buddy with all of my heart. I will love him until the day that I die. I miss him desperately. I do not lay in bed all day every day crying. I can't.  That is not who I am.  I am a fighter and a very determined woman. He helped mold me into that woman and I won't let him or myself down. I understand that many may not agree with everything I do, but I know that those who truly love me, will in the end, still love me. I know that I am going to do things in my own time and when I am ready. I know that I am going to do the very best I possibly can every single day. I know I will still cry and have my very private moments where I just lay in a ball and sob until I literally get sick. And that's ok. Its all part of it. I not only cry for our loss of my husband and my children's father but for other things in my life as well. I know I am strong and regardless of anything anyone may say to or about me, I will make this life a happy one for myself and my amazing children. Just you wait and see!

One Giant Step

Wednesday, January 16, I began one of the most difficult journey's I was going to have to make in this new life of mine.  Every year, Buddy's company has an annual district meeting. Buddy and I look forward to it every year and always enjoy the "mini vacation" that it gives us. We always stay in a beautiful hotel and eat delicious food.  We love spending time with so many of his awesome co-workers and their wonderful spouses. It is such a fun time! Well, this year the company invited me to come as their guest of honor. What they don't realize is the honor was all mine.

Kiewit has done so much for me. People just don't understand how incredible this company is.  They are just amazing.  On Wednesday, I got on the airplane, with my best friend Tena, and headed to Denver Colorado.  The next 2 1/2 days were filled with many, many tears. I saw many of our dear friends whom I haven't seen since Buddy died. I cried with them and laughed with them. It was incredible to be surrounded by so many people who knew and loved Buddy so much. I was treated like royalty while I was there. I won prizes, danced, cried, laughed, hugged, and cried some more. The support was overwhelming. 

Thursday afternoon was the spouses event. They usually treat us to something fun to do followed by a delicious lunch and some form of entertainment.  This year, they did a fundraiser for my children. They raised $10,000 for my children's trust funds. I was in complete shock. I stood on stage and tried to thank all of these wonderful women for their amazing support and love for me and my babies. 

On Friday, they did a special presentation about Buddy. Gray, Buddy's boss, read something that both he and I had worked on. They had pictures of Buddy up on the screens. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. About 300 people and we were all crying. At the conclusion, they asked me to stand and as I did, so did the entire room. They erupted in applause. Then I was presented with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I stood there and just sobbed. The love I felt from not only every single person in that room but also Buddy was just more than I can explain. It was all consuming. 

 I am so grateful for an amazing best friend who was there with me every step of the way. She quite literally held my hand through much of this. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her to sit by me and watch me hurt like that. Loving her the way that I do, I know it would be awful for me if the roles were reversed. I often tell people she is my soul mate in a female form. She is the female version of Buddy to me. She knows what I am thinking before I do. I could not have done this without her by my side. Thank you for loving me Tena. Thank you for understanding me and not judging me.

 My wonderful big sister came and stayed with my kids while I was gone. How blessed I am to have a sister that will leave her own family to come and help me out. My children adore her and had the best time with their aunt. It is always hard for me to leave my kids but this time was extra hard because I knew what I was facing. I am so blessed to have a sister that I knew would love on my kids while I was gone. She really is incredible and I am so grateful for her love and support. It was so hard to leave her at the airport today. I wanted to chase her down and beg her not to go. Not having blood family near by has been very difficult at times. I am a very independent person but sometimes a girl just needs her family. Thank you Linda for loving my kids and me. It means more than you can imagine.

Saying goodbye to some of these great people on Friday night was almost more than I could bare. Some of Buddy's bosses have become father figures in my life. They have called and checked on me often and even cried with me on the phone. Just incredible people.

One of my favorite parts was hearing stories of Buddy. We laughed and laughed at the jokes he used to pull on his co-workers and I even found out that he asked one of  the young men he actually trained, to teach him how to dance because Buddy knew I loved to dance. His name is Chris and he became very close to Buddy and myself and he and his wife mean so much to us to this day. People like that will always hold a very special place in my heart.

I will say this..This last week was by far the most difficult thing I have done since Buddy's funerals.  It hurt in ways I cannot describe. However, it was also very healing. It was a weekend full of surprises. I met some amazing people both within the company and some who have nothing to do with Kiewit. All of which I hope are in my life for a long time to come.

Linda even helped the kids make signs, bought me flowers and balloons to welcome me home from Denver. Made me cry!!

 Here is what I know...Even in some of my darkest hours, I am still blessed with bright spots. I learned that more these past few days then ever before. I am so grateful for those bright moments and for those who shared them with me. I believe with all that I am that Buddy sent those bright moments to me himself. Signs that he loves me, misses me, yet wants to see me smile.

Today it has been 7 months. It seems impossible. 7 long months since I have heard his voice, seen his smile, felt his touch. But, I am stronger now than ever. I am more determined now than ever. I will miss Buddy every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I will love Buddy, deeply, every second I am breathing. That will NEVER change. I recognize the strength he is giving me from the other side. I have some very sad moments. I am scared of my future but I know that fear can only go away if I shove it aside and force it to. So I will work on doing just that.

For now, I took one giant step. Was it a difficult step to take? ABSOLUTELY! But I did it! I have many more to take and I am determined to do so. One giant step at a time.....

Wanna Go On A Date???

Those of you with children, know just how different each individual child is..it is unbelievable how 2 children who come from the exact same parents can be so incredibly different. And yet, they are. One of my most challenging feats has been to not only figure out Buddy's death for myself, and mourn and deal with it, but to also help each one of my children to do the same. They are all worried about different things and have different feelings about daddy being gone. It has been so tricky on how to help all 5 of us. And honestly, EXTREMELY overwhelming!!

I was talking to a very dear friend about this and he suggested I take my kids out on a date. Once every three months or something like that. Just a day alone with me and them. I loved it! Brilliant!!

Natalie was first. We ventured out 2 days after Christmas. All day Christmas day she had been so concerned about what daddy was doing in Heaven for Christmas. Was he alone? Did he have presents? She said "Mommy! I have to send him a present!" So I told her to make something and we would most certainly take it to the post office and mail it straight to Heaven. So for our date, we went to the post office. Natalie addressed the envelope herself (almost) and then marched into that Post Office like she owned the joint!  We waited in line and then she walked right up and gave the postal worker her envelope.  The lady looked confused at first and then with tears beginning to flow down my face I said "She needs this Christmas present to get to her daddy in Heaven." The lady was stunned. She told Natalie that they had a special delivery to heaven each and every day and that it goes via express so it would be there in just a few hours. Natalie beamed with happiness. They lady gave her a delivery confirmation ticket and we were gone. I was a mess!!

From there, we went to iHop! Our family loves us some iHop! It was her choice and that is what she wanted. We sat and visited and colored and played games. It was fantastic! Natalie is just a ball of joy! She dances and sings every where she goes and is constantly telling me I am "The Best Mom EVER!" Which of course melts me! She is missing daddy a lot lately so we are doing lots of extra kisses and hugs these days!

Rachel was next! She picked to go and get pedicures together. I get one often to take care of my feet since I run so much, so I took her to the place I always go. The staff was so excited that I had my daughter with me. They pampered us and we had such a great time sitting next to each other and laughing and talking while we got our toes looking so pretty!

After that, she chose lunch at The Panda Express. One of our most favorite places to eat together. Then we went shopping. I mean what 12 year old girl doesn't LOVE shopping. We finished off with hot chocolate at Starbucks! I love hanging out with Rachel. She is growing into such a beautiful young lady. She is just so wonderful. She is a HUGE help with the other kids and is just so spiritual. She is such an example to everyone in this house. I assure you I would not have survived this last 6 1/2 months without her. I am so proud of her. Beyond words!

Next was Miss Kimbo!!

Kimbo wanted to go to breakfast at IHop. Told you we love IHop!!!

After IHop, we went to the movies to see one of the best movies we have ever seen..Parental Guidance. It was so cute and it was so much fun watching it with Kimbo. Just hearing her laugh makes me smile and laugh all the harder!

After the movies, Kimbo had some gift cards that were burning a hole in her pocket. So we went to Claire's and tried on some very fun and silly sunglasses and then to Hobby Lobby to get her some fun crafty stuff.

I had so much fun with Kimbo! She is such a ray of light in my life. She is just brilliant and always amazes me with what she can understand. She understands so many things that adults cannot even grasp. I am so blessed to have her as my beautiful daughter.

Garrisons date has not happened yet but will very soon. I am certain it will involve animals of some kind..either the zoo or Cabella's.  That is his choice. I am so grateful for the advice I was given to do this with them. It has already proved to be such a huge blessing to our family. I have overheard the kids talking about it to their friends and other adults. That warms my heart! I cannot put into words how much I love these babies! The joy they bring me day in and day out is just overwhelming. They truly are my world! How grateful I am that Heavenly Father chose me to be their mama. The honor, truly is, all mine!

I Will Survive

My niece asked me yesterday if I was still doing my blog..I told her I was but these last few weeks have been..well...extremely tough. Not surprising I know. All 5 of us felt it. Everyone has struggled. Its been an emotional roller coaster around here. I have no idea what or who is going to set any one of us off. As a mother, it has been extremely difficult to watch my kids hurt and to have to sit back and just feel helpless. I have hugged them, cried with them, gotten mad with them and most importantly, just been here and loved them. Yet, it has not quite felt as if it was enough. I have come to the realization that I don't know that it will ever feel like it is enough. Until I can fix it completely, which I will never be able to do, it will never be enough for me. 

A few days before Christmas, Rachel was just a mess. Out of no where, she just lost it at a local pizza shop. She was a walking zombie for the next 24 hours. I told her, as we stood in the bathroom of that pizza restaurant, that Christmas this year was just going to suck. There was no nicer way to say it. I told her that we were going to try to make as many happy moments as we could, but that it was OK to just be sad this Christmas. And so we were. Like I said, we had as many happy moments as we possibly could but it was just a rough few days. Everything felt off. We were missing not only Buddy, but others as well. Those in heaven and on this earth. We just wanted to be with those that we love the most. We were VERY blessed to have some of those loved ones here in our home for a huge breakfast followed by going to some of our best friends house for dinner. We created a new tradition of writing Buddy a letter and placing it in our special Christmas Box. Those letters are sealed and will be opened years down the road. Christmas morning, it was very important to not only myself, but to my kids, that it just be the 5 of us opening gifts. it was a special moment indeed. I opened some incredible gifts that the kids and others had so carefully picked out for me and a beautiful scrapbook that Kimbo had made for me. It was the best present and most treasured present I could have ever received. My children, and their love for me, never ceases to amaze me.  Oh how I love them. More than I can ever express..much more.

Christmas had one more surprise in store for us..Snow. We got about 1.5-2 inches. Say what you want, but NOBODY will ever be able to convince me that it was something other than a gift from Buddy to his kids! They were thrilled to have a white Christmas here in Texas!

New Years was a lot harder on me then I expected. I figured out that it was based on the fact that it represents a new beginning, a new start. It felt so much like I was leaving Buddy behind. He never saw 2013 and now I was entering it without him. It was almost harder on me then Christmas. And there again, I was left missing not only him, but other people in my life as well. The kids and I told 2012 that we hated it and we were glad to see it go! It was therapeutic for each of us!

Here is what I learned though..I can do this. The kids and I, with a lot of help, managed to survive our most difficult days yet. We pushed through some very tough moments and came out of it with smiles on our faces..for the most part.  There will be tears along the way, as there should be, but I can be happy. I can make a great life for the kids and I.

A special moment I will share with y'all..After my neighbor had confirmed to me that it was Buddy who had been hit and that he was indeed gone, the sheriff and coroner and chaplain came to tell me themselves. We stood outside. I had already told the kids but the chaplain asked to come in and see them. After he came in and said a few words (I cannot remember what he said), I told everyone in that room, "I need to pray with my children." So right there, in front of everyone, my children and I dropped to our knees and I prayed with them. As soon as we were done, we were all still kneeling there, and I promised my babies that I would not let them down. I promised them that I would make their daddy proud of me. I promised them a happy life. And right now, at this very minute, I have 100% confidence in myself that I will do that. Tomorrow may be a different story but I truly believe deep down, I have always known and will always know that I will do it. I will make them happy and in turn, find happiness for myself. We are a strong family with a very strong bond. I am blessed to have such a special relationship with each of my children.  We were blessed with an amazing daddy and husband who helped to make this family the strong unit it is today. We were a great team. It was no more one than the other. We did it together. We will continue to do it together. He will and has put people in my path that will help me.

I WILL survive!!!