I Will Survive

My niece asked me yesterday if I was still doing my blog..I told her I was but these last few weeks have been..well...extremely tough. Not surprising I know. All 5 of us felt it. Everyone has struggled. Its been an emotional roller coaster around here. I have no idea what or who is going to set any one of us off. As a mother, it has been extremely difficult to watch my kids hurt and to have to sit back and just feel helpless. I have hugged them, cried with them, gotten mad with them and most importantly, just been here and loved them. Yet, it has not quite felt as if it was enough. I have come to the realization that I don't know that it will ever feel like it is enough. Until I can fix it completely, which I will never be able to do, it will never be enough for me. 

A few days before Christmas, Rachel was just a mess. Out of no where, she just lost it at a local pizza shop. She was a walking zombie for the next 24 hours. I told her, as we stood in the bathroom of that pizza restaurant, that Christmas this year was just going to suck. There was no nicer way to say it. I told her that we were going to try to make as many happy moments as we could, but that it was OK to just be sad this Christmas. And so we were. Like I said, we had as many happy moments as we possibly could but it was just a rough few days. Everything felt off. We were missing not only Buddy, but others as well. Those in heaven and on this earth. We just wanted to be with those that we love the most. We were VERY blessed to have some of those loved ones here in our home for a huge breakfast followed by going to some of our best friends house for dinner. We created a new tradition of writing Buddy a letter and placing it in our special Christmas Box. Those letters are sealed and will be opened years down the road. Christmas morning, it was very important to not only myself, but to my kids, that it just be the 5 of us opening gifts. it was a special moment indeed. I opened some incredible gifts that the kids and others had so carefully picked out for me and a beautiful scrapbook that Kimbo had made for me. It was the best present and most treasured present I could have ever received. My children, and their love for me, never ceases to amaze me.  Oh how I love them. More than I can ever express..much more.

Christmas had one more surprise in store for us..Snow. We got about 1.5-2 inches. Say what you want, but NOBODY will ever be able to convince me that it was something other than a gift from Buddy to his kids! They were thrilled to have a white Christmas here in Texas!

New Years was a lot harder on me then I expected. I figured out that it was based on the fact that it represents a new beginning, a new start. It felt so much like I was leaving Buddy behind. He never saw 2013 and now I was entering it without him. It was almost harder on me then Christmas. And there again, I was left missing not only him, but other people in my life as well. The kids and I told 2012 that we hated it and we were glad to see it go! It was therapeutic for each of us!

Here is what I learned though..I can do this. The kids and I, with a lot of help, managed to survive our most difficult days yet. We pushed through some very tough moments and came out of it with smiles on our faces..for the most part.  There will be tears along the way, as there should be, but I can be happy. I can make a great life for the kids and I.

A special moment I will share with y'all..After my neighbor had confirmed to me that it was Buddy who had been hit and that he was indeed gone, the sheriff and coroner and chaplain came to tell me themselves. We stood outside. I had already told the kids but the chaplain asked to come in and see them. After he came in and said a few words (I cannot remember what he said), I told everyone in that room, "I need to pray with my children." So right there, in front of everyone, my children and I dropped to our knees and I prayed with them. As soon as we were done, we were all still kneeling there, and I promised my babies that I would not let them down. I promised them that I would make their daddy proud of me. I promised them a happy life. And right now, at this very minute, I have 100% confidence in myself that I will do that. Tomorrow may be a different story but I truly believe deep down, I have always known and will always know that I will do it. I will make them happy and in turn, find happiness for myself. We are a strong family with a very strong bond. I am blessed to have such a special relationship with each of my children.  We were blessed with an amazing daddy and husband who helped to make this family the strong unit it is today. We were a great team. It was no more one than the other. We did it together. We will continue to do it together. He will and has put people in my path that will help me.

I WILL survive!!!