One Giant Step

Wednesday, January 16, I began one of the most difficult journey's I was going to have to make in this new life of mine.  Every year, Buddy's company has an annual district meeting. Buddy and I look forward to it every year and always enjoy the "mini vacation" that it gives us. We always stay in a beautiful hotel and eat delicious food.  We love spending time with so many of his awesome co-workers and their wonderful spouses. It is such a fun time! Well, this year the company invited me to come as their guest of honor. What they don't realize is the honor was all mine.

Kiewit has done so much for me. People just don't understand how incredible this company is.  They are just amazing.  On Wednesday, I got on the airplane, with my best friend Tena, and headed to Denver Colorado.  The next 2 1/2 days were filled with many, many tears. I saw many of our dear friends whom I haven't seen since Buddy died. I cried with them and laughed with them. It was incredible to be surrounded by so many people who knew and loved Buddy so much. I was treated like royalty while I was there. I won prizes, danced, cried, laughed, hugged, and cried some more. The support was overwhelming. 

Thursday afternoon was the spouses event. They usually treat us to something fun to do followed by a delicious lunch and some form of entertainment.  This year, they did a fundraiser for my children. They raised $10,000 for my children's trust funds. I was in complete shock. I stood on stage and tried to thank all of these wonderful women for their amazing support and love for me and my babies. 

On Friday, they did a special presentation about Buddy. Gray, Buddy's boss, read something that both he and I had worked on. They had pictures of Buddy up on the screens. There wasn't a dry eye in the room. About 300 people and we were all crying. At the conclusion, they asked me to stand and as I did, so did the entire room. They erupted in applause. Then I was presented with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I stood there and just sobbed. The love I felt from not only every single person in that room but also Buddy was just more than I can explain. It was all consuming. 

 I am so grateful for an amazing best friend who was there with me every step of the way. She quite literally held my hand through much of this. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her to sit by me and watch me hurt like that. Loving her the way that I do, I know it would be awful for me if the roles were reversed. I often tell people she is my soul mate in a female form. She is the female version of Buddy to me. She knows what I am thinking before I do. I could not have done this without her by my side. Thank you for loving me Tena. Thank you for understanding me and not judging me.

 My wonderful big sister came and stayed with my kids while I was gone. How blessed I am to have a sister that will leave her own family to come and help me out. My children adore her and had the best time with their aunt. It is always hard for me to leave my kids but this time was extra hard because I knew what I was facing. I am so blessed to have a sister that I knew would love on my kids while I was gone. She really is incredible and I am so grateful for her love and support. It was so hard to leave her at the airport today. I wanted to chase her down and beg her not to go. Not having blood family near by has been very difficult at times. I am a very independent person but sometimes a girl just needs her family. Thank you Linda for loving my kids and me. It means more than you can imagine.

Saying goodbye to some of these great people on Friday night was almost more than I could bare. Some of Buddy's bosses have become father figures in my life. They have called and checked on me often and even cried with me on the phone. Just incredible people.

One of my favorite parts was hearing stories of Buddy. We laughed and laughed at the jokes he used to pull on his co-workers and I even found out that he asked one of  the young men he actually trained, to teach him how to dance because Buddy knew I loved to dance. His name is Chris and he became very close to Buddy and myself and he and his wife mean so much to us to this day. People like that will always hold a very special place in my heart.

I will say this..This last week was by far the most difficult thing I have done since Buddy's funerals.  It hurt in ways I cannot describe. However, it was also very healing. It was a weekend full of surprises. I met some amazing people both within the company and some who have nothing to do with Kiewit. All of which I hope are in my life for a long time to come.

Linda even helped the kids make signs, bought me flowers and balloons to welcome me home from Denver. Made me cry!!

 Here is what I know...Even in some of my darkest hours, I am still blessed with bright spots. I learned that more these past few days then ever before. I am so grateful for those bright moments and for those who shared them with me. I believe with all that I am that Buddy sent those bright moments to me himself. Signs that he loves me, misses me, yet wants to see me smile.

Today it has been 7 months. It seems impossible. 7 long months since I have heard his voice, seen his smile, felt his touch. But, I am stronger now than ever. I am more determined now than ever. I will miss Buddy every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I will love Buddy, deeply, every second I am breathing. That will NEVER change. I recognize the strength he is giving me from the other side. I have some very sad moments. I am scared of my future but I know that fear can only go away if I shove it aside and force it to. So I will work on doing just that.

For now, I took one giant step. Was it a difficult step to take? ABSOLUTELY! But I did it! I have many more to take and I am determined to do so. One giant step at a time.....