As I sit down to type this, I don't really even know what I am going to write about. I just feel I need to write. I have a million different thoughts in my head and trying to get them from there to here can indeed prove to be very difficult. I never ever want to sound negative or over dramatic so I typically weigh my thoughts VERY carefully before ever sitting down to my computer. Hopefully by the end of this post, you will be enlightened.
The fact of the matter is tonight is just a rough night. Regardless of what you may read on my blog or my Facebook, I am a private person. I leave much of my life out of the public forum especially these past 7 months. It may be shocking for some of you to learn but I have been judged in ways you cannot imagine. I don't tell any of you that to have you say poor Heather. In fact, I don't ever want those words to come out of your mouths. I only share it to defend myself. I don't think I should have to but you do tend to get to a breaking point where you just can't take one more comment.
I have been through things the past 7 months that people cannot imagine. Some of those things are clearly very obvious, others not so much. I have changed a lot in the past 7 months but mostly because I have had to. I haven't had a choice. And that is ok. that is why we are given trials in this life. To learn and grow. I will not ever say I am doing everything right. I will not even pretend I know what I am doing. But, I am trying. I am trying every single day to be a great mom and a good person. I see the smiles on my children's faces, hear the laughter in their voices and that tells me I must surely be doing something right. I am most certainly making mistakes. I, just as you in your daily life, am entitled to make those mistakes. Please, instead of judging me or questioning me, just love me, pray for me and have some faith in me.
I will tell you this...You always think you know what you will do when something happens to you..I assure you..YOU DON'T. When it is YOUR life instead of someone else's, it is suddenly different. You cannot comprehend the things you will think and feel until it is you facing it. I still sit here at times and am in complete disbelief that this has happened to me and my children. It doesn't seem real or even possible. However, it is the hand I have been dealt and I am bound and determined to make the best life possible for my children and I.
It's funny how many people question things you do. Dating for example..People want to know if I am really ready for that. This is my answer. Nobody can see into my mind and my heart. I will not do anything I do not feel ready for. If and when I am out on a date, I assure you I will be ready.
Moving is another great example. I know that to many, me staying in Texas, far away from family may not make sense to you but it does to me and my kids. We love it here. This is our home for now. I don't know where our future will take us but for now, we are here. I will not move until I have a reason to. Weather that is God telling me it is time or a job or even a relationship is the reason. I will not move until I feel it is without a doubt the right thing for my children and myself.
I have had some amazing experiences these past few weeks. Some I have shared with you and others I have not. I am grateful beyond words for each of those experiences. Some have been very hard, while others have been nothing but heartwarming and joyful. I have met people some amazing people and had some wonderful and enlightening conversations. I am so grateful for each of those moments and each of those people.
I want to thank all of you for your love, support and prayers. It has not been an easy road and has most certainly been Hell. However, there have also been very beautiful moments that I will always cherish. Thank you for all of the feedback I have received on my blog. I am always shocked and amazed at the messages I get of how much my blog has impacted many of your lives. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. They mean more than you know.
This is what I know...
I love Buddy with all of my heart. I will love him until the day that I die. I miss him desperately. I do not lay in bed all day every day crying. I can't. That is not who I am. I am a fighter and a very determined woman. He helped mold me into that woman and I won't let him or myself down. I understand that many may not agree with everything I do, but I know that those who truly love me, will in the end, still love me. I know that I am going to do things in my own time and when I am ready. I know that I am going to do the very best I possibly can every single day. I know I will still cry and have my very private moments where I just lay in a ball and sob until I literally get sick. And that's ok. Its all part of it. I not only cry for our loss of my husband and my children's father but for other things in my life as well. I know I am strong and regardless of anything anyone may say to or about me, I will make this life a happy one for myself and my amazing children. Just you wait and see!
Alaska Trip - The Cruise
7 years ago
10 comments:
Your strength amazes me Heather I'm so sorry to hear that people are judging you. Heather your choices and decisions in life Only need to make sense to you. No one can ever doubt your love for Buddy or your children! I have always personally known that they will always be your everything!!!! <3 hugs Love ya!
Thank you Marilyn! Thank you so very much! Love you friend!!!
We do not doubt your love for Buddy and your children. It is not our place to judge. Only the Lord does that because he can see the heart. Take your time and enjoy each day. Rejoice in the days given to you and do with them what you know is right to do. I have trouble focusing on the things I do have and not dwelling too much on what I don't have. You still have Buddy as do I. It is that he cannot put his arms around us here and now that is hard. He sees the whole picture and he is joyful and wants us to live our mortal lives to the fullest, with no regrets. He has a perfect understanding whereas we do not. If others judge you then so be it. It will come back to bite them at some later time. I would not wish this experience on anyone, but it is part of a greater plan. I am proud of him for being ready to move on faster than the rest of us. He knew that only family was important--not things, money, or prestige. He received the greatest rewards because he loved so deeply and if the roles were reversed and you had been taken, he would have been in the depths of despair instead and I don't know how he would have measured up to that. Men are not always as strong in these experiences as women. We survive because we have to for the sake of children and others we love. We will always love you because of who you are. We have seen the growth in you as a strong, independent being who will show everyone how to live life with grace and dignity and with respect for yourself. Protect your integrity and honor and your good name at all costs. When we depart this life we take with us the knowledge, wisdom and intelligence we obtain and family relationships and not anything else. You are loved.
EMAIL ME A LIST OF NAMES, I'll take care of the haters!!! ;-)
We’d all like to believe that we could react with dignity and poise in your situation, but the reality is, when all is said and done, most of us who really love our spouses cannot fathom the shock of that moment, or the subsequent months of grief and growth.
I’m grateful that you and your family did not move away, because I appreciate the example that you and your children have set for pushing through some very unsavory times. I don’t pretend to understand (or likewise have any desire to experience) the pain or the tough decisions that you’ve faced since that time. You have been tested to the utmost degree, and I believe you’ve done extremely well under the circumstances.
If you EVER feel like I’m judging you, it is more likely that I’m simply trying to obtain personal growth vicariously through your trials, or perhaps, there is just a stupid punch-line forthcoming (as Anne can attest, I often find myself MUCH funnier than I really am). Humor is my crutch when I want to say or do something profound, yet am only smart enough to know that I don't have the answer. Please don’t ever confuse that with being judged (by me), because at the end of the day… I’m proud of you my friend…
No one should ever judge anyone, you of all people would be the last person, You have amazing strength that others wish they could have
Matthew 7:1-2
“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
I would not waste one minute of one day worrying about what anyone says about you or your family. There will always be those people who thrive and find joy in gossip. Be yourself and do what makes you happy always putting God first.
From my family to yours... we wish you well.
Heather, you are an amazing, strong woman. There is no doubt that you the relationship and love you shared with Buddy is what's now guiding you to make the decisions you are making. No one else has the right to judge you for those decisions and quite frankly - it's none of their business! As I tell my kids, if you know you're doing the right thing - CHIN UP, shoulders back, believe in yourself and let no one bring you down :))
No matter what negativity is thrown your way, just know that the happiness of your children are the testimony that You are an Amazing Mom ~ I lost a son to a drunk driver in 2005 so, I know the pain you feel. It will always be there. Sometimes more than other times but it will always remind you of that place there for them.
Here is a poem I wrote after losing my son that I want to share with you ~
Comfort
You are the sunshine that surrounds me
When the light seems to hide
You are the peace that comes unto me
To make all the storms subside
Everything is so perfect
When I hold you in my heart
No time, no distance...I know
Will ever keep us apart
And though I keep these feelings hidden
For no one else to see
Your presence moves so gently
Deep inside of me
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