Where do I go from here?

December started out with a bang. I was thoroughly enjoying doing my 24 days of service. Each act was bringing so much joy to my heart and was really helping me get into the spirit of Christmas. I was looking forward to sharing some of those activities with each of my readers and hoping that through my adventures, you too would feel the spirit of the Christmas season. And then the 21st came...

I had just got home from helping out at a nursing home and wanted to take a quick nap before having to go to work at 4. My cell phone rang at 12:20..I checked and saw it was my good friend Sheree. I was a little shocked that she was calling as she usually would just text me. I figured she would understand I was resting and would call her later so I let it go to voice mail. Then, I heard the home phone ring...then my cell phone again. Still her. Then I get a text from her. CALL ME! 911! I knew something was up so I quickly called her.

She said "Heather, Victor is dead." First: Shock. Second:hysterics. I fell to the ground sobbing and shaking. I just kept screaming "no, no, no!!" I eventually had to run into the bathroom and get sick. I couldn't control myself. I could barely hold the phone I was shaking so bad. I continuously kept falling to the floor. Anytime I would try to stand, I would fall back down. I drove to the Y almost immediately (not smart I know but I just HAD to be there) to be with my co-workers and feel their support and give them what little I may have.

Victor Escapita was my co-worker, that is true. However, Burrito (as we called him in my home) was more than that. He was a son to Buddy and I, a big brother to my kids, and a friend to our entire family. He came to Buddy and I for advice, came to our home for dinners on Sunday's, came to church sometimes, came to the girls softball games, and any church program my kids were in. He played countless board games with Kimbo and would always text me when he got home with an "I am home...I love you guys." One time, he sent me a Facebook message that told me my family meant more to him then we could imagine and how that one particular afternoon with my family was one of the best days he had ever had.

At work, he would stay until close (if he was working, that was 2 hours past his shift) just to make sure the women made it out to their cars and out of the parking lot safely. Even if he wasn't working, he came up and just sat with us and kept us safe. He was a guardian to us all. He was furious when he found out some kids had been bullying Kimbo. It tore him apart when I would tell him what some kids had said to her. Not sure I ever saw him that angry. He loved my kids. More than I know I am sure. We loved him. More than he will ever know. We lost a member of our family.....

I lost my dad 12 1/2 years ago..I know it takes time to heal. I know the pain doesn't ever go away but does get duller. I know there will be days, and moments that are more difficult than others. I know I will see him again. However, right now...I am heartbroken. I am hurting and sad. Every time I walk into the Y, I have to fight with everything I am to not burst into tears. Every night when I close, I long to hear his squeaking shoes walking behind me as I make my rounds through the building. I cannot come to grips that he will not be there with me ever again. I cannot accept that he will not be lifting Natalie into the air or swinging her around. I cannot imagine that he will not play Monopoly just one more time with Kimbo or walk in the door and immediately hand Garrison his Ipod so that he can play games. I cannot comprehend days and days going by without hearing him say "shaking my head" or "I will remember this when you need a kidney." I cannot and do not want to think of my family without him here with us, being a part of our lives.

I will miss him every single day. Yes, I know it will get "easier" but for now....it just sucks!

Morgan's Wonderland = Heaven on Earth

There is a miraculous place in San Antonio by the name of Morgan's Wonderland. We have an aunt who lives there in SA and told us about it. It is a "theme park" of sorts for children and adults with special needs. Words cannot even begin to describe how much this park means to our family.

We went for the first time last Thanksgiving and upon walking through the gates, I became emotional. It was just that great. Swing sets that Wheel Chairs can use, a carosal filled with beautiful animals (some go up and down, others don't) that also allow individuals in wheelchairs to ride. A building full of awesome activities including a mini grocery store. A train that travels all over the park. I could go on and on. As I sat back and watched not just my Autistic son, but also my typical daughters run through this park, I was overwhelmed with gratitude. This is a place where I can sit back on the benches and just watch my children play. I don't have to apologize for my son jumping up and down over and over while making his very loud noises. I don't have to apologize if walks up to some stranger and run his fingers through their hair. I don't have to apologize when my son stands too close to someone and invades their personal space. You know why?? Because everyone there not only gets it, they expect it! Some of the employees are special needs adults as well. Watch out when you go to the snack bar. Their sweet spirits can be overwhelming enough to entice you to buy more popcorn than you actually need. :) That is okay though because we are not talking theme park prices here. My family, who is struggling more than ever these days (who isn't in this economy) can actually afford this amazing place.

Not only is it wonderful for my son, my daughters love it so much. Going to Morgan's Wonderland with their Aunt Susie is their favorite part of their trip to San Antonio. They love the atmosphere. They love that they feel safe. They love being around these amazing people.

Upon walking inside, each person in your party is given a bracelet. You scan the bracelet at any of the stations that are located throughout the park and it will pop up a screen telling you where everyone in your party is located at that moment. You can even type in messages so when the next person scans in, it will notify them a message is waiting. Buddy and I had fun with that.

Weather you have an individual in your family with special needs or not, PLEASE go. Please support the wonderful place that is truly like a heaven on earth for my family!

www.morganswonderland.com

(Video is from last November)

When did I start to dread Christmas?

When I was growing up, I LIVED for Christmas. Christmas in my youth, teenage years and well for many of my adult years, has always been something I just couldn't wait for. It wasn't all about the presents either. I promise. It was about all of my siblings getting together and the fun things we would do. I am the youngest of 6 kids so many of my siblings had kids and I LOVED when they were all coming home to visit. We had our traditions that we did every year. The countless hours of Rook, the 8 hour Monopoly games, how we went to the movies every Christmas day, how we adopted other families...I could go on and on. Christmas was amazing!

Since my dad died in 1999, Christmas has not been the same. We have tried, and we have had some good Christmas' but my father's wonderful holiday spirit is missing. My dad was a HUGE part of making all of those memories.

My mom and Leroy have surprised me the past 2 Christmas' by showing up at my door. That has been incredible. I LOVED having them here and so did my children. That definitely helped create some very special memories for my whole family. I am so grateful for all of the memories that I have of every Christmas up to this point. I realize many children and adults alike don't have that opportunity.

This year just feels different. I am BEYOND stressed out about it. I am pretty much dreading it. Honestly, a lot of it has to do with money. I am not going to lie but I am not about to turn this blog into a "feel sorry for me" type of thing. Things do really stink money wise, that is true, but I don't want to dwell on that here.

I am just sad. Missing my family desperately. More than ever actually. Missing the card games, the laughs, the VERY late nights, the hours of wrapping, watching my mom put all of the presents under the tree in a VERY methodical way (no same paper could be next to each other), the trips to the movies, well...everything really.

I have thought so much about this, pretty much constantly, and the money situation has been on my mind 24/7. So I am going to do something different this year. Since we cannot adopt a family, I am going to implement a "24 days until Christmas countdown service style!" Instead of helping another family with material gifts, myself, and when possible, my family, is going to provide acts of service for a person or family for the first 24 days of December. Some acts will be small, some will be larger. I will keep a log of them all and then post at the end of December what we did and how it went. Hopefully this will get me back in the Christmas mood and relieve some of the stress. After all, isn't that what Christmas is all about?

1, 2 Buckle My Shoe

I bet you remember how old your child was when they first said mama, or dada, or I love you. I bet you remember how old your child was when they first learn to ride their bike without the training wheels. I bet you remember how old your child was when they first learned to button their shirt or tie their shoes. I also am willing to bet that the ages of 1,2,3,4,5 and maybe even 6 or 7 are coming up in your mind as you think back to all of those amazing firsts for your children. Mine does too...for 3 of my children. Not so much for my oldest son. Most of those things didn't happen until 4 years old or later.

Today, Garrison is exactly 12 years 9 months, and 12 days old. Today, he tied his shoes for the very first time. I cry as I even type it out. This will go down as one of the greatest days of my life. Garrison tied his shoes today!!!! Wow!!! So huge for us! Garrison will go up to a perfect stranger before he will tie his own shoes. It has been a goal of his on several IEP's and a goal of ours for a very long time. Years even. It has always been one of those things that "all of the other kids could do" that I worried my son never would be able to.

When Garrison was diagnosed with Autism, he was 4. The team of 11 physicians who sat before us very wisely said, "You will not have the same hopes and dreams for Garrison that you will have with your other children. Your hopes and dreams for him will be very simple to some but as he achieves those, the reward will be all the sweeter." They were right. For our daughters we see them going to college, getting married, having successful career's and just being great women through and through. We want them to always get good grades, learn to play an instrument, be on the dean's list, be good wives and good mothers, be good examples of Jesus Christ, treat others with kindness and respect, oh and keep their rooms clean. For Garrison, we hope that one day he will be able to have any job of any kind. We hope he will be able to go to the store and understand how to pay for something. We hope he will be able to understand that $10 is a lot more than $1. We hope he will be able to shower every day and remember to wash his hair without being reminded. We hope he will be able to use the bathroom without needing help. We hope that he will always have a sibling to take care of him after we are gone. You see, our hopes and dreams are dramatically different.

Of course we want Garrison to become all that he is capable of being. Of course we want to set goals for him that will challenge him and make him into a strong and independent young man. We have set those goals. And you know what?? He achieved one of those goals today!

Please note that he is not very happy about this new learned skill. In fact, very much the opposite. When I walked in the door tonight, I asked him about it and he argued with me for 10 minutes about how it "made him feel too boring" or "he is too tired to tie his shoes". He broke down crying while telling me "stop telling me I will tie my own shoes. That is not OK." I don't know why he isn't happy. He never is when he hits a milestone like that. He is angry at me that I wont tie them for him tomorrow. Even as I sit and type this, he is running back and forth behind me over and over and over all the while he has his headphones on and is making his repetitive noises that we are so familiar with. He is going extra fast tonight because he is upset. I have managed to mess up his whole night now. He may do this for hours just to get his over-stimulated self to calm down.

I however will remain on cloud nine for the next hours, if not days, because MY SON TIED HIS SHOES TODAY!!!!

My Love and My Trial

How can such a beautiful little girl be such a little stinker? How can someone who brings such joy to my life every single day also drive me absolultey crazy?? That is my Natalie..or Naddie, or bubbas, or bo-bo's. (Depending on our mood at the time)

I remember a post from about 3 1/2 years ago where I, and our doctors, were VERY concerned that my little girl was autistic. Reading that post back now, the emotions come flooding back. As parents, it was a very, very dark time for Buddy and I. We cried a lot, we hoped a lot, we lost a lot of sleep and we prayed every waking minute that it would not be so. For those who do not have an autistic child, it is difficult for you to understand what we had already been through.

Our son, Garrison, went from being a fairly normal child (he had a few quirks) to a child who could no longer talk, would throw HUGE temper tantrums and slam his head against our wooden front door. Watching your child disappear like that is beyond heart-wrenching. There are no words that will even come close to describing it. It makes you feel helpless and hopeless. The thought of having to go through that all over again with my beautiful baby girl was almost more than I could bare. *(This is the point in the story where I would like to place my disclaimer)*We love our son beyond words. However, watching your child "never grow up" mentally or be so severely challenged in every aspect of his/her life...well, I can't even describe how that feels. The thought of having to watch another child suffer like that, again , I cannot even describe it.



Well, now that time has passed, I can say that even though Natalie does have many quirks about her, some even very similar to her brothers, I firmly believe the choices we made (which will not be discussed on this blog) in our daughters behalf, helped us to keep her from falling into that world. Every choice we made was preceded by countless prayers and fasting. Instead of autism we have a very "special" girl.



Don't get me wrong. She is such a joy and I love her dearly but holy smokes! She is SO different than her siblings. I guess a lot of things may factor into that. She is the youngest, therefore she is crazy spoiled by every person in this household. She is also very stubborn. (I have no idea who she gets that from!) She tries and tries my patience. But boy when she is cute, she is SO cute! I tell people all of the time that God made her so beautiful because it compensates for her orneriness. I also say that she is my father's revenge for all of the diva attitude I gave him and my mom during my junior high and beginning of high school years. I can just see him up there laughing up a storm watching me with her.

She says some of the funniest things like "Mom, stop singing! You're hurting my feet" and "I'm not a stinker, I am a sweeter!" (she stole that last one from her brother who also says it all of the time.) She loves her pink sprite from Sonic (again, I wonder where she gets that) and asks me to "text grandma and tell her I want a lala loopsy doll for Christmas." She loves to bring her small Book of Mormon to church each Sunday and raises it up high and sings "Scripture Power" in primary. That cute little act however, is quickly followed by a complete meltdown that ends in the teachers having to come and pull us out of class because she is so out of control.


How will I ever survive her? Well, I look at how close I was to watching another child disappear into the abyss of Autism, then I thank my Heavenly Father for this beautiful, however ornery, girl.

A Boy's Love For His Dog

Garrison is extremely allergic to animals. All kinds of animals. Horses, cats, dogs, well you get the idea. For many, many years, he was also terrified of both cats and dogs. 2 years ago, about this time of year, I brought a dog home with me. I have wanted to get the kids a dog for SO long. Buddy and I both had dogs growing up but due to Garrison's allergies and his fear of dogs, we never pursued it.

Jaydog is a Maltipoo. He looks exactly like my dog I had growing up named Ruffles. I loved Ruffles so much and I cried and cried the day he died. Being a maltipoo, I knew that meant that Jay is hypoallergenic. Meaning, he doesn't shed and all that jazz, (all that jazz really means I have no idea why but he doesn't make my son sneeze) so that meant Garrison could be around him. I brought him home and Garrison wouldn't come out of our bedroom for 30 minutes. He was terrified. He finally came out and the rest is history. He LOVES Jaydog. Too bad Jaydog doesn't particularly love Garrison too much. Garrison is a little overwhelming for Jay. He likes to lay right by him, okay on him, and he also likes to close his bedroom door so Jay can't leave. Garrison of course has no idea that Jay doesn't favor him, Garrison just keeps on loving him.

The other day, Garrison lost a tooth. The tooth fairy gave him a dollar. (cheap tooth fairy around here). Garrison doesn't understand money at all. He only knows that he can put quarters into the claw game at walmart and he gets to move the giant claw around a few times. He doesn't even care if he wins, he just likes to watch the claw move. Anyhow, that is what he usually gets from the tooth fairy, is quarters. This particular night, the tooth fairy only had a dollar bill so that is what he got. Well the next day, we were all in the family room watching tv together when Garrison said "Jaydog sure is hairy. His hair is getting grower." (inerpretation: Jaydog's hair is too long) He continues "Jaydog needs a hair cut." I said "Yes son, I know but that costs money and mommy doesn't have any. Do you have any?" He says "The tooth fairy gave me a dollar." He proceeds to walk over, grab his dollar and brings it back to me. As he puts it in my hand, I said "what is this for?" He answers "Money to go cut Jay's hair!"

Precious I tell you! My boy is precious. He loves this dog so much! He knows Jaydog needs a haircut so he was willing to pay for it with his dollar. These are the moments I treasure with my son.

When people find out I have a son who is autistic, they tend to say "I'm sorry." I typically reply with "I'm not!" Yes autism has made all of our lives so much more difficult and has brought us tears, agony, heartbreak, frustration, sadness, guilt, wonderment, and fear. But it has also allowed us to watch a 12 year old boy still believe in a tooth fairy, and think that a dollar can pay for his dog to get a hair cut. It has allowed our son to maintain his innocence. Sometimes that is a bad thing, but a lot of times, it is a good thing.

I dread the day that we lose our sweet Jaydog. I cannot imagine the heartbreak that will bring to our family but mostly to our son. However, it is something wonderful to watch...the love this boy has for his dog.

Just one of those days.

So it has been just one of those days. A day that I was looking forward to for several reasons. 1) Buddy got the opportunity to go the the Nationwide race to see Elliott Sadler race. 2) I got to go watch Rachel play in a double header. I LOVE watching my girls play softball. LOVE IT SO MUCH!!! 3) Kimbo was having her science birthday party. I love watching my kids have fun for their birthdays. 4) It was the Alabama/LSU football game. If you know anything about me, you know I LOVE Alabama football more than anything! I love it more than I ever thought possible. So that was my day that I was looking forward to. It was going to be a GREAT Saturday!!! Then......

Buddy Got on TV. Look in the background. He is the hottie in the black jacket! :)

The Race: Nothing bad to say about that except for I couldn't go. But I really was okay with that. An awesome friend gave us tickets for free and then another awesome friend got him into the pits with their passes so he was able to meet Elliott and get his autograph. It just meant a lot to me to be able to surprise Buddy with these tickets because he so deserves it. He does so much for me every day! He got to take a very good friend of ours with him so it worked out just fine. Plus he was able to meet Elliott and get his autograph and He got on t.v. Even though he didn't know it until later! :)




The Ballgame: This was going ok until...I look over to check on the kids and I see Garrison with his hand on a boy's shoulder. The boy appears to be about 10. Then the boy pushed Garrison kind of hard. Then he pushed him really hard. Then the *&^$#@ kid punched my son in the chest. HARD. I saw the entire thing! I jumped up, said a bad word, and hauled booty over there. The 10 year old took off. Garrison was holding his chest and bawling! I told another boy who was standing there "Why did he hit him?? He is autistic! He doesn't understand whatever it was you were doing!" That boy looked terrified of me! I get Garrison away from there and bring him over to the bleachers where we were all sitting. I start crying and telling everyone what happened. Everyone at once starts getting upset and telling me I need to go find a parent. I knew that I did but I knew I had to cool down first. I was so upset that at that point it would not have been a good situation. I am not very good at biting my tongue. So 2 moms said "We are going to find the parents of this little punk." So I go with them knowing they will be my support. They found the boy and were bringing him over to Garrison to make him apologize when the dad showed up. I walked up to the boy and very calmly (I was so shocked at how calm the words were coming out of my mouth) asked this boy why he had hit my son. They boy said Garrison was chasing him and he asked him several times to stop. Garrison wouldn't stop so he decided to punch him. He said "I am so sorry. I just didn't understand why he wouldn't stop and I didn't know what else to do." So I explain to the boy "My son has something called Autism. He is 12 years old but his brain is just like a 4 year old child. He doesn't understand things sometimes." The boy said he was so sorry a couple of times. I turned to Garrison and told him that he needed to apologize as well. I told Garrison that he cannot chase people who tell him no. Not everyone likes it. The dad was awesome and very kind with it all. The kid felt bad but I was still very angry and quite frankly so sad.

P.S. Rachel won both of her games! :)

The Party: Kimbo wanted a science party. So we decided to make Ooblek. It is basically corn startch and water. it is a solid while it is sitting there but when you touch it, it turns into a liquid. But we decided to add food coloring to make it fun. Well the kids started putting their hand in it and playing with it. They got very very messy but it was fun. Well, as we started to clean up, I realized the food coloring wasn't coming off of their hands. I panicked. You have no idea how bad it is. Their hands look awful. It is not just a few fingers...it is their ENTIRE hand!!! My awesome friend Danielle stayed here to help out with the party and we both scrubbed their hands with every recipe we could find online but nothing worked. So hopefully, no parents will kill me in the morning when they come and get their kiddo's. Pray for me.




The Game: No words...we lost to the team I hate the very most. In overtime! It was heartbreaking. I hate LSU more than Auburn even. I literally am sick to my stomach. It just aches. I should have known when this day started out crappy, they were going to lose. But no matter what, I never lose faith in the Crimson Tide. I will love them forever no matter what but I really wanted/needed them to win tonight. Oh well. It is what it is. Roll Tide baby!

Tomorrow is another day. I hope it is better. The whole thing with Garrison still bothers me a lot. I keep seeing him get hit over and over in my mind. Not a good moment. It is just another reminder of how different my son is and yet how impossible it is for me to protect him. Heartbreaking on so many levels. You have no idea. Sad mama today.:(

The Words We Say

Words are a funny thing. It has always amazed me how one simple word, depending on how it is said, can make such an impact on a person. I love words. I love to read, I LOVE to write, and I am passionate about things I believe in. I have been known to talk a lot. Since I was little (and yes I still do this) I would be talking to my parents and just stop mid conversation and say "I am talking too much aren't I?" As any loving parent would do, they would always reply "Not at all." We all know I was. I talk a lot and I talk fast. I have tried really hard to not do either of those things as I have gotten older but when you bring up something I am very passionate about...WATCH OUT!!! I will go on forever and good luck keeping up with me.

Since Facebook came into my life, I have had a few situations where I didn't know when to shut up and would end up getting so fired up that I would have to go outside or even jump in the shower to calm down. Buddy, who is the complete opposite of me when it comes to talking, has told me time and time again to not take it so seriously and keep in mind that most people say things on Facebook that they wouldn't say to your face. I happen to be one of the exceptions to this rule because I will pretty much say anything to anyone at any given time. Not always a good thing, but also not always a bad thing.

I have also ALWAYS been a very sensitive person. There again, not always a good thing, but not always a bad thing. I care a lot about others and can become very defensive. I care what people say about me. I will defend myself, my family, and my faith to the bitter end. I often tell people that there are only 2 things that will offend me. 1. Making fun of my beliefs/religion 2. Calling my son the R word. Those are deal breakers. You do either of those and you can turn around and never look back. I have no room in my life for anyone who would do either of those.

Well today someone said something that really upset me and quite frankly hurt my feelings. I immediately went on the attack. Then my wise husbands words were in the back of my head so I quickly deleted my comment and simply told said person "whatever." Big..no, HUGE step for me. I was so proud of myself. Some people came to my defense very quickly. two of whom actually have never even met me but recognized how inappropriate and rude this ladies comments were. One of them actually used the statement "You are not a Nazi Heather, but a child of God, wonderfully and fearfully made." That really touched me.

We make an impact on people every single day. Every person we come in contact with, we impact them in some way weather it be for good or bad. Now, if you know me well enough, you know I pretty much have zero self esteem. Something I have always struggled with, my entire life. But for some reason, that comment really touched me. It made me feel good about myself and reminded me of some things. It is a prime example of the two sides of words. A prime example of how words can be used for good and how they can be used for evil.

Working at the front desk at the Y, I see a lot of people every single day. They walk in, I say "Hi, welcome to the Y." I usually follow with a "how are you tonight dear?" (my co-workers tease me that I call everyone dear and shuge(short for sugar) ). Tonight I thought about these people I see almost every night. That is the only few seconds of contact I have with most of them. I want to make a great contact with them and let them know that I genuinely do care. That I sincerely do want them to have a good day. Who knows what trials and struggles they are each going through. We tend to put on a mask that everything is wonderful in our lives all day everyday even though we each know that everyone has something they are struggling with.

How much better would the world (and yes Facebook as well) be if we would just use our words a little better and a little kinder. Take a moment to really care about people and when you tell them to have a nice day, mean it. You never know what the impact of a few simple words will have on someone. Today, a few simple words brightened my entire day and reminded me that I am someone special.

My 2 Quiet Supporters

In my blog, on Facebook, and in my every day life, I talk A LOT about Garrison and Natalie. I want to take a few minutes and talk about my other 2 AMAZING children. Rachel and Kimbo.

People who do not live in our families every day life cannot imagine what it is like to be the sibling of a special needs child. Heck, I cannot even imagine. I have seen their tears for their brother, I have heard their fears for their brother and I have witnessed some beautiful prayers in behalf of their brother. However, I have never witnessed any complaints, anger, or resentment for their brother.

My daughters Rachel (11) and Kimbo (9 in 3 days) are incredible. They both have always played the "big sister" role to their older brother and always will. I sit back and marvel at how they work with him. They help him tie his shoes, cut his pancakes and make all the funny voices he asks them to so that he will laugh and laugh.

I see the love in their eyes for him and the love in his eyes for them. It is something very special to witness. I cannot tell you how special it is to see this every single day. They get him off of the school bus every single day since I have to work. They ask him how his day was and then call me to tell me he is home safe and sound.

When Garrison has meltdowns, they cry many times, but mostly just try and help explain things to him or get things for him that they know will bring him comfort. They clean his room for him and help him brush his teeth. They sit next to him and read books to him and watch movies with him. Anyone who knows Garrison knows that watching a movie with him can be torture. He watches it in slow motion, or watches several scenes over and over and over. He many times watches it on mute and requires his sissies to do the voices for him. Yet they sit there and do it without complaining.

These two girls are so well behaved, and so responsible, it is not even normal. I have never, ever, ever seen two little girls so good. People always tell me that it is because they were raised right but I quickly say "No, they came to me that way." And they did. I feel like they deserve so much more.

This year has been extra tough money wise. When the beginning of school came around I sat them down and explained to them how sorry I was but we would not be shopping for new school clothes or new school shoes. I sobbed as I told them because they, of all people, deserve those things. Do you know their response?? "Mom! It's fine! We don't need new things. We know things are rough right now and we know how blessed we are to have all that we have." What 10 & 8 year old says that?

When all of their friends are going on amazing vacations and they tell me all the stories that their friends have shared with them, my heart breaks a little because I cannot give that to them. I say to them "I know you girls wish we could go sometime and maybe one day we will" they simply say "Mom, we know. It's no big deal." Deep down, you and I both know it is a big deal. They want just as any other kids their age wants. They deserve it probably more than many.

I feel like they carry such a heavy load and are asked to do a lot but I am confident that these lessons they are learning will carry them throughout their lives and will be invaluable to them as they grow into adults and mom's themselves. How blessed I am to have such beautiful daughters both inside an out. They bring me so much joy. They are brilliant (both straight A students every semester), spiritual (both reading their scriptures and praying in bed every single night), beautiful(inside and out), and caring.

One day, I hope to make it all up to them. In the meantime, I will continue to tell them I love them 50 times a day, I will savor every minute I have with them, and I will continue to sit back and marvel at their individual greatness. Thank You God for blessing our family with these two amazing girls!

Not Just a Piece of Bread

Upon waking up this morning, I realized that all of the pancakes were gone. I felt sick for a minute until I thought, "Maybe there is more in the garage freezer." With high hopes, I quickly go out and check. I open the door and hold my breath. Oh no! We are out of pancakes. With another quick glance, I realize we are out of French Toast sticks too. Oh great. Well, toast will have to do. I get back inside the house, open the pantry only to find 1 piece of bread left. Not only is there nothing for breakfast, now I can't even make a sandwich for lunch. Panic sets in. A million thoughts start going through my head. A mental checklist of items in my pantry and fridge...to no avail. It was no use. What was I going to do now?

As you read this, you are probably thinking, "calm down and act like a grown woman." The problem is..none of that was for me. Garrison eats about 10 things. Every single morning for breakfast, he has pancakes. Not just any pancakes. Very special pancakes that are frozen and come in small packages of three. If by some odd reason we are out of those, the other options are usually french toast sticks. If we are out of those..well, to be honest, I don't ever remember being out of both because I know what it would be like if we were. Garrison probably just wouldn't eat breakfast and go to school hungry. He loves toast but usually will only eat it late at night.

Garrison also takes the exact same things in his lunch box. He has done this since Kindergarten. Same lunch, every day. Now, I realized I didn't even have enough bread to make him a jelly sandwich. Now panic may be a strong word to some of you about something that sounds so trivial. In our home, it is a different world. I was truly freaking out wondering what my son was going to have for breakfast and now lunch.

Rachel has a friend by the name of Brooke. Brooke's mom Jennifer and I came up with a plan to get kids to and from school. She takes them every day, I bring them home every day. I quickly sent her a text and asked her if she had any bread I could have. Now here is something else tricky. Garrison wont eat just any bread. If it looks too big, or wrong color, or has anything on the crust at all like seeds or flower, it is a no-go. He freaks out. She immediately text me back that she indeed had some and would bring it. I am praying that it is bread he will eat.

She pulls up, runs up to the door and hands me the loaf. A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!! The bread she gives me is the right kind!!! I wake Garrison up, gently inform him that we are out of...well...everything. Then hesitantly I say "How about toast?" He sits and thinks for a few minutes then says "ok." Clearly not very happy but it will work. I cannot tell you the relief that washed over me. My son was going to eat breakfast AND have a sandwich in his lunch.

As trivial as this may all sound, this is our life. Garrison is not like your picky eaters so please don't comment that your child is picky too and only likes one kind of bread. I am sure that is true but something so small as a funky piece of bread can set the tone for my son's entire day. It is not the same as your child or even my other children. They are worlds apart.

I am so grateful to Jennifer for bringing that bread. She has no clue what that bread meant to me an to my son this morning. I get a little emotional typing this because it was such a blessing to me. That bread was not just bread to me. It was an answer to this mom's prayer.

What is a best friend?

So I get teased a lot about how "loosely" I use the term "Best Friend." My husband says all the time that I have too many, where others feel that since I have so many "best friends" it makes the title less important. I, for one, completely disagree. I have many, many friends. Only a handful of those would be considered one of my best. True I have about 10 amazing women that I consider my best friends but they all deserve that title. These women have been there for me through so many tough times in my life. Times that most people do not know about, and probably never will.



Some have been in my life since birth (literally) and others have been as recent as a year ago, but each of these women hold a very special place in my heart. Each of these women have qualities that make them so incredible and amazing.

Each of these women have touched my heart and spirit in ways I cannot express and wouldn't even if I could because it is far too personal. All have been there for me, even when they didn't know it.

One of them was with me almost every waking moment the week I lost my dad. She didn't leave my home until I was so tired I couldn't keep my eyes open and she was back at my parents house within an hour of when I woke up. I can never thank her enough for that but someday I hope to be able to repay her in some way.

4 of my best friends were there for me when my husband was gone and I was alone with 4 kids, one of them a newborn and I was going to school full time. Buddy was only able to come home on the weekends and these women kept me going. They watched over me and my kids like you wouldn't believe. I felt like I had a mother and 3 sisters right there on my block when my own flesh and blood was hundreds of miles away.


1 of my best friends has known me since birth. Our moms were pregnant with us together. We have more memories together than any other friend either of us have. We cried over boys who broke our hearts, girls who were just mean, and parents who just didn't understand us. We fought like sisters and drove our parents and teachers crazy.

2 of my best friends are more recent. They have helped me get through the past 3 years. These two have been there for me through some pretty tough stuff. 1 shares the life I live every day with a child with Autism and she is probably the most Christ like human being I have ever met. She has gotten me through many dark times simply through loving me and not judging me. The other has helped me see things about myself that I couldn't or didn't want to see. She has saved me in many ways and brought me into a company that will forever mean so much to me. She inspires me so much to be a better friend and a better mom.

So you see, these women all have such a special place in my heart. Even though I may not see most of them every day, or even speak to them once a week...they are my saving graces and angels that get me through my tough times when no-one else can.


All of my friends mean so much to me. I never really valued my friends until I moved to Omaha. My friends I made there really showed me what being a friend is all about. I hope each friend in my life knows that I am always here for them. I did not speak of all of my friends or even best friends on this post but they each know who they are and they know I am always here for them.

I always say to my kids "Will you be my best friend?" My 4 children and my husband top the list for sure. What better friends to have then those that you hold nearest and dearest to your heart? My list just gets longer. And you know what? That's okay. I will add more best friends I am sure as the years go by and I am blessed to be able to do that. I cherish my husband, my kids, my family and my friends. I love them all unconditionally and thank them for loving me back.

My Hero

Brace yourself for a very cheesy read. I have thought and thought about what I wanted to write about these past couple of days and this subject kept coming back to me time and time again...so I am going with it.

How many times in our lives are we asked who our hero is? How many times have you given an honest answer? Sure, when we were 5, we all said Superman, or Spiderman or some of us girls even threw in Wonder Woman or She-Ra! (My personal favorite)

But now we are grown up, at least theoretically speaking, so I decided to really think about this question. Who really is my Hero? I think I have several. Both of my parents are right up there. I was blessed for 21 years with an amazing father who I miss every single day of my life. I still have the most incredible mother. The best mom ever actually. Of course I have my spiritual hero's. Jesus Christ would top that list for sure. However, I want to tell the story of my biggest hero. This person is someone I admire more than I can even say. There are no words to describe how amazing this person is. Yes it is cheesy, but I don't care. It is how I feel and once you hear my story, you may feel the same.

My husband was born with severe club feet. Not only did the doctors never think he would walk, but his hands were deformed as well. According to his mom, the doctor said "I am not as worried about his feet as I am his hands." He wasn't supposed to have use of those either. As a mother, I can only imagine what must have gone through his mothers head. How terrifying.

Buddy had surgery on his feet when he was 2 or 3 years old. The doctor who performed his surgery was the #1 surgeon in the world for Club feet. To this day, Buddy is told by physicians how "beautiful" his club feet are. Children who were born 35 years ago, who also had club feet, may have had surgery but rarely do they look as good as Buddy's. Surgery couldn't correct everything though. Buddy has been in pain his entire life. Just watch him walk across the room and you will see it. His ankles will swell so large, they are the size of softballs. He is literally in pain every day of his life. However, he has never let that stop him.

He not only has a wonderful job as an engineer (we have done some research and have found many people from our generation who were also born with club feet, collect disability and don't work at all) but he plays basketball, softball and is an avid runner. Last March, he ran his first 1/2 marathon. Did it hurt? More than you or I can imagine. But he did it, and he continues to do it. His toes overlap skin on the bottom side of his foot so he will run with 3 or 4 blisters per foot. He is amazing. He wakes up as early as 4:00 everyday so he can get his run in. He does this so he can stay healthy and lose weight. He knows it will hurt. He knows his ankles will swell. He knows it will mean that just walking down the hall will hurt like you cannot imagine but he does it.

He could use his feet as an excuse. Deservedly so! But he doesn't. He is a quiet champion. He doesn't tell many his story. He doesn't want sympathy. He isn't seeking adoration. So, he gets me who wants to stand on the mountain tops and yell "My husband is amazing!"

Since I started working nights (4-10 Monday - Friday) he is also taking on a lot of my role. He comes home from work, gets dinner made and almost always cleaned up, then gets kids to softball and/or church, helps with any homework necessary and makes sure the kids have done their daily chores. He is the most amazing support to me.

So there you have it . Heather Hopkins hero is her awesome husband. I know you all feel you have the best husband in the world. And your right. He is the best husband for you. I snagged the best one for me and I am so glad I did. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile. He makes me feel sexy as hell. TMI?? Too bad! :)

I married my soul mate and the love of my life. Buddy Hopkins, you are my hero. I love you!

Am I a Good Mom??

For the past 10 months, I have had a job at the YMCA. This is not only the first real job I have had since we have been married, but really the first real job I have had my entire life. I have always dreamed of being a stay at home mom and for the last 13 years, I have been able to do that. Finally it just got to a point where I was going to have to find a job outside of my home. Not an easy thing for me to do...not because of the economy or the high rate of un-employment, but because of my own self doubt and complete and utter fear!

My job at the YMCA landed right into my lap. It was divine intervention..nothing less. As happy as I have been at the Y, it has not been without struggles. Struggles with other employees, struggles with some of the members but mostly, struggles within myself. You see, I am no different than any other mom or any other woman in general. I am my biggest critic. I am constantly second guessing myself and if I am doing the right thing. I have always done that, and I will probably always do that.

I have never been the best house cleaner, best cook, best story teller, best seamstress, best scrap-booker, best softball mom, best room mom, best example of manners..but I LOVE my kids. You see, you may come over and my house probably will not be perfect. There will be dust on some things, there will probably be dishes in the sink, and there is a very good chance that my kitchen floor will not just have been mopped. My kids may eat the exact same 7 meals every week, 1/2 of which involve some sort of fast food. I cannot sew on a button to save my life, let alone an entire dress or costume. I started scrap booking when Buddy and I first got married and did great for Garrison, good for Rachel, fair for Kimbo and awful for Natalie. I love to burp..and I mean burp REALLY loud. I call it my talent. Some call it rude. My kids call it AMAZING! I LOVE my kids.

Now, since I have started to work at the Y, I have been home a lot less which means my house is suffering, our family dinners are suffering, our story time is suffering, our family is not suffering, but sacrificing. Those sacrifices have been very hard on all of us. The hardest has been not being here when Garrison gets off of the bus or here for dinner or here to tuck them in. Those sacrifices start to wear on you fast. You start to wonder...am I a good mom? If I was, my house would be clean, my children would have well balanced meals every night, they would have a snack plate full of vegetables and dip, or warm cookies fresh from the oven, right when they walk in the door from school. They would have adorable clothes to wear to school that nobody would have any idea were home-made because I would have sewn them so beautifully. My hair would always look amazing and my make-up freshly done. I would clip coupons and save us so much money that I wouldn't have to work. That's what good mom's do right?

I have cried countless tears over these thoughts. I have beat myself up until I was so far down into a deep dark hole that I never thought I would make it out alive. Then things like tonight happen. I come into my bathroom after a long night at work and on my bathroom mirror I see "Rachel's Poem to Mom." "Mommy likes to burp, mommy likes to sleep, but most of all mommy likes being the best mommy to ME!" I am a good mom!! You know why??? Because my kids all 4 know that I love them. They know I am here for them. They know I pray for them. They know that I will do anything for them. They know that my favorite thing that I do is being their mom. They know they are my everything. Nothing else matters!

Don't say the "R" word!

This is my son Garrison. He is an amazing 12 year old boy who has a very infectious laugh. He LOVES animals and can tell you anything in the world you want to know about any animal or dinosaur that ever lived. He has a crazy awesome memory. He loves sea world more than I can even express. He loves to ride roller coasters and would play video games for hours and hours a day if my husband and I allowed him to. He is extremely caring, loving, fun and as any other teenager, sometimes rather lazy. Oh and just in case you missed it, he is Autistic and clinically mentally retarded.

Now before you go with "I don't know how his parents do it" or "I am so sorry...how old was he when you got the news?" Please just stop. Think of all of the things I posted above before you focus only on the disease my son has. Let me say this..being his parents is an honor. Are we happy that he has this disease, no but he does and we love him because he is amazing. I talk about him a lot everywhere ago for many reasons. 1) Garrison can be a lot of work for us so I have to spend a lot of time with him and help him with so much more than I have to help my daughters with. 2) I love my son 3) He does things that amaze me each and every day. 4) He has an amazing spirit and light about him that will make you fall in love with him the minute you meet him. 5) I flat out want to raise awareness about Autism and it's many faces.

As you are reading this I want you to just stop right now and think of something. Have you called someone (not "mentally challenged") or something (your car for not starting, the toy you stepped on) "retarded" today? Now think of this...when you did say the "r word" (that is the only way I will refer to that word from here on out because it is so vulgar to me), what were you replacing it with? If someone at work messes up at something. have you ever said "he is so (insert R word here)?" What you meant to say was "he is so stupid" right?? So basically, every single time you use that word, you are replacing the word stupid with the R word. Why??

I have a son Garrison, (in case you missed this part previously), who is Autistic and clinically mentally retarded. Would you ever come up to me and tell me he is stupid? Hopefully not. More hopefully for you because I am pretty sure you wouldn't want my wrath on you after you telling me that. Actually, my son is brilliant. No he cannot tie his shoes, or use the bathroom or shower without much, much guidance. However, he can show you a picture of an Ibex and tell you what it is, where it lives, what it eats, what it preys on, what preys on it, and how long it lives. Do you even know what an Ibex is?

So my point is this. I am on a mission to stop everyone I come in contact with from using that word. It is fowl and it offends me to the bitter core. Next time you say that word, just think, you essentially were calling my brilliant and amazing son, stupid.

LIfe as I know it.

So life has been crazy this past year...a lot, and I mean a lot has happened. Ups, and downs, goods, and bads. But I am going to make a very valiant effort to record more of my thoughts and feelings along with my days I have with my 4 precious children. I have too many amazing experiences to not be flooding my blog with posts on their wonderful lives. The joy they each bring me is unexplainable. I cannot wait to start anew on this blogging journey. I hope you will all enjoy the ride with me.

So proud of my Kimbo

So Kimbo ended the school year with a broken arm..from March until the middle of June, she was in a cast on her right arm (and she is right handed). That held her back in more ways that I can tell you academically. I thought everything was fine until this school year started..when she left the 1st grade, I was told she was reading on a level 18. When she started 2nd grade, she was at a reading level of 11. I was so confused. We read like crazy over the summer. We went to the library every week. It didn't make sense. What I figure happened was this..Her first grade teacher was always raving about how brilliant she was and how way far advanced she was. So, along comes the broken arm and her teacher just let her do whatever. She had told me that she got to play the computer a lot while the kids were testing and stuff (because she couldn't write) but I never thought there was a problem because she was pulling straight A's and again, I was hearing that she was so far advanced, I never really thought to be concerned.

Well, she starts her second grade year dramatically behind. She was so sad and I was so mad. But, thankfully she has an AWESOME teacher (two of them actually) who have worked with her and pushed her and praised her so now she is on a reading level of 20. She has to be at a 30 by the end of the year. I just know she can do it.

I got her report card today..straight A's. This is not the first time for her..in fact she has only ever gotten one B and that was the first quarter of this year and it was in reading. She went from a 86 in the first 6 weeks to a 90 the second 6 weeks to a 96 today!!! I wanted to cry! I am so proud I could just burst!! Kimbo has worked and worked and worked on her reading. Now her handwriting leaves a lot to be desired. I cannot read one darn thing that girl writes but we will get there! She is my little rockstar!!!!

Whose judging who?

So Buddy says that Facebook killed my blog and to some extent, he is right. But the thing about a blog is that it is an awful lot like a journal. That has good and bad things about it...The good is obvious..I have a journal that I can print out and keep for my children for years and years to come. The bad thing is that I need to sit down and just do it. I can say I don't have time (which is a very valid argument at this point in my life) but I am also lazy. Part of me doesn't want to write all of my life down for everyone to read. I am a very open person in one sense but also a painfully private person. I don't like my faults exposed. I constantly want everyone to think I am holding together beautifully and that nothing can get me down. Well, that's not true and we all know it.

One of my biggest complaints about women is that we are constantly judging ourselves and others. Who has better make-up? Who has better clothes? Whose house is cleaner? Whose children behave better? Who is a better mom? Whose car is cleaner? Who has a nicer car? It is exhausting for everyone involved. Why do we hold ourselves to standards that are not even attainable? It makes no sense to me. I am 100% guilty of it. Probably worse than most women. I drive myself crazy with it..

I hate that I can go and clean others homes and do an AMAZING job but then come home to a filthy mess! I get embarrassed every day when I go to pick my kids up and the teachers see the inside of my van. It is a disaster and that is not the person that I am. I am not a slob.. I love my car and my house to be clean but I get sick of doing it alone. I feel like nobody helps me do anything. Why is it that everyone expects mom to do it all? I am working 3 jobs (selling my jewelry, working at the YMCA and cleaning houses) and I am expected to cook, clean, help with homework, take care of problems at the school (mostly Garrison issues),do my church calling, have a clean car and look amazing while doing it all. Or am I? Do people really expect that or is it all in my head?

My husband is phenomenal. He offers every night to come home from work and cook dinner himself and yet I feel awful if I let him..that is my job. He has busted his butt at work all day so I try really, really hard to have a good dinner for him. Every single Saturday, he cleans. He would probably love to just sit and watch football but he is cleaning. (granted football may be on in the background) So who is it that I am feeling pressure from? Myself probably..society for sure but I think we do a lot of it to each other. It's OK to admit that you are not super woman. It's OK to go to walmart in your sweats or heaven forbid with no makeup on. It's OK to walk into someones house and see an inch of dust on their piano or TV. It's OK people. In the long run is that what is important? Would it be nice to always have a clean house? Heck ya but I don't. I am sure there will come a day when my world will run much more smoothly..when I feel like I have it all together. Maybe not but let's stop judging each other and just realize that we are all trying very hard to make it through each day without losing our minds.